Warning - This is a LONG, I mean DAMN LONG entry.The date 26.4.2004 marked the day we got to know each other… and five years have passed since that day.
He entered my life as a total stranger. As he made his way into my life, I realized that I have fallen for him – so deep that my heart could no longer find its way back to where it once belonged.
From the very first time I saw him, I know deep down inside, my life would never be the same again.
There were times when I felt like crying when the thought of him disappearing from my life came about. I could never imagine what my life would be without him.
Whenever I was anywhere near him, I had always felt secured. He would do whatever it takes to make me smile. There were indeed times when I was angry or throwing tantrum at him but his smiles often melted my heart. I would be lost in thoughts whenever the memories of him bounced about in my mind.
Him: Hey (elbows me), you’re not angry, aren’t you? C’mon, say something!
Me: What do you want me to say?
Him: The thing I scared most is when you’re being too quiet. That’s just so not you!
Me: So, tell me what you want me to say then.
Him: How am I supposed to know? There must be a lot of things running in your mind.
Maybe it was just me or it was true that when I was mad or worried over things, he could sense it from my quietness. To him, I was a person with a lot of thoughts, bubbly and always smiling. There were just too many things playing in my mind when I came face-to-face with him.
Him: I wanna get married. Don’t you want to get married?
Me: No, I don’t want. I wanna stay single and I wanna earn a lot of money.
Him: You’re crapping. Make sure you don’t get married if you’re a person of your word.
I lied. The only person whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was him and no one else. I could see my future within him. I knew he would be the one.
All in all, knowing him was just like a blessing in disguise. At the moment I needed someone, God sent him to me.
It felt just like a fairytale, sometimes.
Our first letter to each other was still in my drawer. I still kept the pictures we took together. If he still remembered, the memory of a red toy puppy that came along with a birthday CD would still be in his mind.
I knew there were times when he was mad at me but he never let it out. Instead, he would be letting them out to my buddies, telling them what I should and should not do. There were times when I was freaking mad that he never told me these, in person. I would rather have him, scolding me in the face, rather than having him, telling my buddies about them. Still, I knew he had his own reasons not to let it out in front of me.
As good as things seemed to be, life was not always a bed of roses. We did argue sometimes but he always gave in even though sometimes he knew I was wrong. There were be times when he would always stick to what he believed in and I knew that I better stayed clear of his routes.
October 2006 marked the month that changed my life for once again. Maybe, to him, October 2006 was just any other typical month but to me, it was the point when my life began to take its route, leading to the time when the heartache started.
Him: Actually, last year, I’ve come to know that you like me.
Me: So?
Him: I just want to hear it from you personally and not from others.
Me: Why must I admit?
Him: I think I’ve every right to know.
Me: What kinda right are you referring to?
Him: You’ve been doing a lot of 'researches' about me before knowing me, right?
Me: (quiet)
Him: If there were no 'researches,' you wouldn’t know all those around me.
Me: Okay, I admit. I’ve liked you like since three years ago, so what?!
Him: (quiet)
The thought of him, talking about his 'rights' to know the truth made me wondered – I had the rights to keep the truth from him too. I did not know what drove me to the corner of my mind and admitted the fact that I was into him since three years ago.
Then, I went on telling him that I had long put behind the feeling I had for him and I was in a relationship with B. He seemed uncertain and critical over the issue of my relationship with B.
Him: Somehow, I don’t agree on your relationship with B.
Me: So?
Him: He’s attached, remember?
Me: So? You’re doing the same thing too.
Friend: I really don’t understand what both of you are thinking.
Him and Me: What is the thing you don't understand?
Friend: (pointing at him) You’re into S.
Him: So?
Friend: (pointing at me) And you’re into B.
Me: And what you’re doing to do about it?
Friend: Since both S and B are attached, you guys might as well forget them!
Him: And then?
Friend: And both of you should just get together as a couple!
Me: (looking at him and friend)
Friend: Let's just clear this doubt tonight, shall we?
Him: You’re being silly but… that isn’t fully impossible… but…
The thing about us was… there were too many 'buts.' As usual, our conversations were distracted when somebody SMS-ed him. It was S. He had totally forgotten about what we were talking about when the SMS-es came. Friend was prompting him to talk but it was to no avail because his attention just was not there any longer. I was pretty much disappointed in fact. If he could tell me to let go of B, I would do just that.
I thought to myself, perhaps, my relationship with B had an intention – to annoy him. He was smart to figure it out because after the talk, I came to realization that he was the one I really wanted to be with, for all of these times – his thoughts, words and actions meant a lot to me.
I cried for two hours that day when I thought about what he had said to me few nights before. I did give it a thought that if he could not promise me anything, why would he choose to talk things out – like wanting me to admit that I was into him?
After much hesitation, both of us finally had decided to sort things out. Honestly, the thought of meeting him to talk things out never ran across my mind. He insisted that we should sit down and tell each other what both of us felt. Friend was worried so, she insisted on going with us.
Friend: Since you guys are out now, please talk.
Him: (looks at me) Is there anything you want to talk about?
Me: (tears welling in my eyes) Why did you have to make me admit I'm into you?
Him: No special intention, I just wanted to know.
Me: For you, it means nothing but for me it means a lot.
Him: What do you mean?
Me: If there's no possibility for the chemistry to work out and why did you have to embarrass me by making me admit especially in front of others?
Him: I don't understand what you're talking about...
Friend: (interrupts) She’s trying to say that she doesn’t know why all these happened and how is she going to face you later on in life after which when she's admitted she's into you, you neither reject nor accept. If you have no intention of getting together with someone, never make him or her admits!
Him: Huh?
Me: You left me with no choice.
Him: What kinda choices are you referring to? You can choose to sort things out optimistically but you just don’t want to.
Me: How am I supposed to do so?
Him: You have choices!
Me: What choices do I have? Letting everything go and then, the next day sitting here again and laughing over every pain I've been through just because I'm into you?
Him: Then, you tell me, what I should do?
Me: If I could turn back the time, I’d choose the road where you never existed. The road where I would never get to know you. The road where I would live happily with what I have without having to go through so much just because I love you. If I really have chosen that road, then, I wouldn’t even fall for you!
Him: (tears trickling down his cheeks)
Me: I’m really distressed, can’t you see it? I’m struggling. I just want to start a new life without you in it and the only thing I can think of now is to dump every memory of you.
Him: Why do you have to do so?
Me: If God is to give me another chance, I don’t want to know you this lifetime or any other lifetimes…
It struck me that he was crying as well after I had said everything. The sight was not pleasant because it was the first time I saw him crying. I felt guilty. He should not be crying over what I said because I knew it, for him, there was just NO chemistry between at all. It was an unexpected reaction. I wanted to comfort him but somehow, I could not. I was still deep in tears.
He asked me out a week later saying that we needed to talk. Nonchalantly, I agreed.
He told me that he would pick me up when I reached the KTM station. Guess what? When I was almost reaching the station, he called and told me he was not able to do so since he had promised his friends to join them for a badminton match. I did not want to create a fuss over the petty issue but what that angered me was his sensitivity. He should at least SMS me to make sure if I had reached my friend’s place safely. There was no transportation to my friend’s place as I was not sure how to get there and I had to find my own way to get there because I told my friend he was going to pick me up.
I felt like he was avoiding me. Even if he wanted to avoid me, he should not have dumped me at the station all alone, asking me to figure out how to get to my friend’s place. Eventually, I forgot about it when I saw him the next day.
One particular day, I was depressed over the loss of something materialistic that I treasured very much. I was crying and the only thing that appeared in my mind was him and his number. I reached for the phone and called him. I knew he was worried when he heard me crying at the other side of the line because he told me that he would be at my place as soon as possible. We went out after that in his car.
Him: Are you okay?
Me: (looking out of the window) it's raining...
Him: Yes, it’s raining already… Raining cats and dogs.
Me: Yeah.
Him: Then, you want to stay in the car and skip your dinner?
Me: Any other suggestion?
Him: I’ve an umbrella. Let’s get you something to eat.
Me: I don’t feel like eating.
Him: As unhappy as you are, please eat something. You’ll be having a gastric later!
Me: Then, let it be, it's not the first time.
Him: Hey!
Me: What?!
Him: Listen to me. I’ll get the umbrella and we’re going for dinner.
Me: Then, are you going to eat with me?
Him: I’ve taken my dinner.
Me: Then, no point eating alone.
Him: Okay, I’ll eat with you!
He got out from his car and went to thew boot in the rain to get an umbrella that was big enough to occupy both of us. I got out when he came over to the passenger seat. The rain was heavy and I was shaking and shivering from the coldness of the rain and night. I did not realize I was standing quite a distant away from him.
Him: (holding the umbrella under the heavy rain) Am I scary?
Me: No… why?
Him: Then, why are you standing so far away from me?
Me: No reason.
Him: (pulls me closer to him) Stand closer! You wouldn’t wanna catch a flu!
The moment his hand touched my shoulders, I felt like being electrocuted. As much as I was shivering from the coldness, I was shivering from his touch too. Suddenly, the warmth that I had always prayed for, came to me. I wished for the time to stop then.
Him: Are you going to order anything?
Me: No.
XXX: What are your orders?
Me: I want a glass of cold chrysanthemum tea.
Him: Hey!
Me: What?!
Him: You ought not to drink cold drinks! You’re shivering!
Me: Then?
Him: Please give her a glass of HOT chrysanthemum tea. I’ll have the same order.
Me: (smirks at his bossiness)
Him: Are you going to order your dinner?
Me: (feeling not happy) No.
Him: No, right? Well, okay. Then, we’ll just sit here until you make up your mind to eat.
Me: Oh… you…
Him: If you’re not going to order, I’ll order for you.
Me: No! I’ll do the ordering on my own.
Him: Good.
Me: Then, what are you going to have?
Him: You don’t need to worry about me.
Me: That means?
Him: I’ve promised you I’ll eat along with you, so, I will.
Him: Hey, this is good for you, eat it.
Me: (looking ahead) What are you doing? That’s your share.
Him: I want you to eat it and don’t question too much.
Me: (grinning)
Him: What are you grinning at?
Me: You’re annoying.
Him: That’s because you never listened to what I’ve said.
Me: Thanks for cheering me up.
Him: Nah, please don’t mention about it. I ought to do so.
Me: Oh, okay… Anyway, I’m going up now.
Him: Are you sure you’ll be okay? You’ve mentioned earlier you’ve a headache.
Me: A little.
Him: Do you want to go to the nearest 7/11 to get few cans of 100 plus?
Me: For?
Him: Add 1/3 of 100 plus to 2/3 of water, it’ll make your headache better.
Me: Nah… Thanks but I’ve trouble you enough tonight. Anyway, see you.
Him: Do you want me to send you up or anything?
Me: No thanks! I’m going to be fine.
Him: Will you faint on your way up?
Me: You worry too much. I won’t. Please drive back safely.
Him: Okay, I’ll give you a call when I've reached home.
Somehow… his concerns towards me stirred my feelings. He moved my heart wholly and totally. I was like,
"What would my life be without him?" A part of me knew that he was just merely a friend trying to show his concern for another friend but I just could not control my feelings.
Once, when we were SMS-ing, he was talking about S. I found myself crying again when he told me he was depressed over S. She kind of rejected him. He was feeling down but why was the person crying was me and not him? I felt it in myself – the pain of being rejected. He did not know I was crying when he told me all those.
Him: She really hurts my feeling.
Me: I thought you guys are fine?
Him: We’re not.
Me: I wouldn’t mind if there’s anything you want to share.
Him: Nothing.
Me: Sure?
Him: No… She’s getting on my nerve nowadays with the way she talks.
Me: Then?
Him: I am really hurt despite all that I’ve done for her. I mean, can’t she see them?
Me: She’s not blind. I’m sure she knows.
Him: It really hurts so badly, you know?
If I could shout everything out, I would have let him know everything I had done for him in the past three years. He was feeling what I felt. I knew it really hurts when the person you love rejected you but you could do nothing about it.
Little did I expect the biggest misunderstand was on its way. I admit, when I was mad at him, I did use some unpleasant phrases to describe him but that were not what I meant in real life. But, these phrases were what that were used to initiate arguments between him and I.
I almost gave up our friendship at the time of disappointment when he blamed me for something that was never proven to happen. I was crying like there was no tomorrow when I knew what happened. His speeches really hurt me and even the worst pain I had gone through could not describe the pain I felt at that moment. My thought was why he never bothered to ask me for the truth. He chose to believe what others said instead of trusting me like what he always said he would.
I called him that night when I got to know the rumours that were spread. I wanted confirmation from him. He was angry at me and told me not to disturb him. Never in our three-year-old friendship, had he said anything like that. It hurt so badly.
Him: You should have known what you’ve done!
Me: What did I do?
Him: You’re too much, you know? I’m a human being and my anger has its limit!
Me: Anger? Tell me, what I have done that angered you.
Him: You were backstabbing me all these while!
Me: How?
Him: Did you use some nasty words to describe me?
Me: Like what?
Him: Bla, bla, bla... I trusted you so much, how could you?
Me: It was out of anger!
Him: Even if you’re angry, you shouldn’t tell your mates about what we had talked about!
Me: I insist to know who the person behind this story is.
Him: You don’t need to know.
Me: I did not tell you I talked things out with my friends, so, how did you know?
Him: Quit asking!
He was shouting at me. Tears welled in my eyes at the end of the line. I cried myself to sleep that night.
He called back and apologized the following day and assured that nothing would get in between us but it was useless. Another friend called and told me that she could be the witness of what happened earlier. I learned that he did curse and said nasty things about me but he did not admit. That friend told me she could forward those SMS-es he sent if I did not believe her.
It was not worth it to have a guy coming in between you and your girl friends. I saw the SMS-es with my very own eyes. He was accusing me of backstabbing him and he did the same thing but not admitting it.
My mind went totally blank before I made up my mind to call him one last time to have everything sorted out.
Me: I don’t want to care about this friendship any longer! I feel so stuck!
Him: You can’t do just what you want when you never ask me what I want!
Me: I don’t want to care what you what you want any more!
Him: What do you mean by that?
Me: I’m tired and I wanna end everything.
Him: I know I shouldn’t be letting all these happened. I was careless.
Me: It happened…
Him: I know and I’m apologizing to you. You can’t do just that when…
I hung up on him – for the very first time. I was crying and could not continue with my speeches although I had so many things to tell him. I cried and cried for few hours that day. I just could not stop my tears.
After that, he actually called a best friend of mine to get to know what had happened. What he got to know was something minor only. It was just a communication breakdown, gossips and rumours that caused the misunderstanding. So, he called again the following day.
Him: Why are you not responding?
Me: (crying)
Him: C’mon, please let me know what you think.
Me: I… I…
Him: I can’t hear anything. You’re mumbling!
Me: I don’t know what to tell you already…
Him: Okay, okay. We’ll end this thing once and for all.
Me: How are you going to do that?
Him: From now on, I’m not going to reply to her SMS-es or even answer her calls.
Me: (quiet)
Him: Can’t you believe me?
Me: How?
Him: I don’t know but I promise you I’ll ignore everything others say from now on.
The question was not about believing or not. It was about trust. It was not there any longer after so many things happened.
The following week, another friend called when he got to know what happened and he told me what he had heard. For once again, all the evidences that he had given me did not support him. They all went against the statements he made. So, I decided, for once, I wanted to end the friendship to stop the pain that both of us were going through.
Me: Why didn’t you answer my call?
Him: I was away.
Me: For how long are you going to hide things from me?
Him: What are you talking about?
Me: You lied to me!
Him: About what?
Me: What did you told my friends about me? I’m really disappointed… You lied to me.
Him: I did not! I admit, I’ve said something bad about you too but it was out of anger.
Me: Liar!
Him: I’m not lying!
Me: I’m really tired. Please let me go. I don’t want to continue this any longer.
Him: I can’t control what you want to feel but I didn’t say all that to your friends.
Me:You’re trying to say that they made up stories to frame you?
Him: No! Alright, alright, forget it. I thought everything was settled but…
Me: I don’t want this to happen but you made me.
Him: Forget it… This is not the right time to talk.
Me: There won’t be right time any longer. I’m tired. Bye.
After that argument, although he said our friendship would be the same, but, somehow, I felt that we were not as close as we used to be any longer and the feeling really disturbed me sometimes. The time when we used to SMS each other very often and even conversing with each other became a nostalgia for me when we stopped doing so. When I brought this topic up, he would always say,
"Nothing has changed nor will it change, please don’t worry about it. I can assure you of that."How could I not worry back then?
I was afraid of losing him… even as a friend…
I was afraid of not being able to see him again…
I was afraid that one day, he’d come to me and say, "I’m getting married."
If lies could be accepted, I would tell you that we will still best friends but lies do not exist. Our friendship was affected with the misunderstandings. We were not as close as we used to be before the argument. I found myself avoiding him and he was doing the same thing to me. I could not stand the situation that I asked him out to talk about it because ending a friendship is not something easy.
Me: I feel like our friendship is going nowhere…
Him: You mean?
Me: Can’t you see it? We weren’t like this previously…
Him: Let me tell you one thing. Our friendship never changes.
Me: How can you say that when I feel it is changing?
Him: It never changed and it never will.
Me: Then, why am I feeling so? You’re trying to hide something from me!
Him: I apologize if my actions caused misunderstandings between us.
Me: And what are you trying to imply?
Him: Okay, listen. I was trying to limit everything between us.
Me: What do you mean by limiting?
Him: I thought you’re trying to reignite the fire when you suddenly get in touch with me.
Me: (getting mad)
Him: Isn’t that enough to explain why I’m avoiding you?
Me: What do you mean by reigniting the fire?
Him: You know… guy and girl stuff…
Me: (feeling so fed up)
Him: Alright, I’m sorry if I misunderstood your intention.
Me: Forget it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. This talk is going nowhere.
Him: Whatever you say… One more thing… I’m sorry.
I was really angry when he mentioned 'reigniting the fire.' Why must it be that whenever we converse? Why could it not be some other things? I did not have that intention when I talked things out with him that day. I just wanted to know where our friendship was heading because I felt so many things changed in our friendship.
The reason I chose to talk things out was because I cherished the friendship among us so much but it seemed to me whenever I was trying to come in peace, he would think that I was trying to make him my boyfriend.
Honestly, I really wanted to throw everything out at him, right in his face if I could. He should know stuffs like…
Do you think you’re the last guy on Earth that I’m dying to be with?I know you’re gifted in a lot of fields and you’re good-looking while I’ve nothing but that does not give you additional qualification to tell them what you think they should do all because of your rights.What makes you think I can’t lose you, even as a friend?Soon, the memories of him faded.
I think it is time for me to face this story – my story, instead of avoiding topics about it. Forgetting does not mean avoiding. We have not been talking or SMS-ing each other for more than two years already and I am getting on well with great friends and people around me.
Memory is a funny thing. It will get to you no matter how hard you want to erase it but for me, perhaps, this is something I will never forget this lifetime because honestly, his presence has changed my life since the very beginning. I learned to face realities and I learned that if people of the opposite sex treat you well, it does not mean they are into you. It's just they care for you as a friend and nothing more than just normal friends.
At the same time, I found out that it was because of him that I am standing where I am right now. I'm grateful of that.
All I could wish for now is for him and the girl he loves to have everlasting love.
Once again, another year has gone by and today is the day he was born 24 years ago, that explains this brings back memories.
Happy birthday!
