Body shaming - the struggle is real

I was at Singapore not long ago to attend a job interview. I didn't inform my friends of my trip there because I didn't want to make a big fuss out of it if I don't get the job.

I'm going to do this - Mean Girls Edition.

Since the interview was scheduled to be at 5pm, I took a morning flight from KL to Singapore on the day itself. Due to unforeseen circumstances, my morning flight was delayed for an hour and I reached Changi Airport at around 1.45pm. It was quite nerve-wrecking because my initial schedule was perfect and because of the delay, somehow, my schedule was f*cked up.

After rushing through lunch, I actually thought of checking in into the hostel I booked but due to insufficient time, I had to drag my luggage all the way from Changi Airport to Novena. Yes, the interview was at Novena. The journey took approximately 45 minutes and by the time I reached my destination, it was already 4.10pm. I had to hastily get changed and prepared for the interview in less than 30 minutes. I ran over to C. Fitness after I have gotten ready and headed to the reception counter, telling the receptionist I have an appointment for an interview at 5pm. Instead of greeting me politely, the receptionist's facial expression totally put me off.

"Where's your working visa?" she asked me.

I was taken aback and answered politely, "Excuse me, I'm here for an interview - I need a job and in order for me to get my working visa, you guys have to hire me."

"No working visa, cannot work!" she replied.

At that point of time, I was a bit angry but I tried to keep my sanity. I was VERY clear to the person who sent me the job interview email that I am a Malaysian and currently based in KL. How on Earth can this rude receptionist demand for my Singapore working visa?

I repeated, "I am here for an interview."

Period.

My expression changed - I am not someone who could tolerate nonsense and idiots.

"You go there, you sit, you fill form."

I was thinking, "WTF! What kinda staff do this place actually hire?!"

It took me around 5 minutes to complete the forms. I handed those forms back to the receptionist and I was told to have a seat and the interviewer will be attending to me shortly.

I waited.

Waited.

Waited and waited.

30 minutes had gone by - that Mr. XXX finally came out to the reception and had the nerve to ask me, "Now who scheduled today's interview?"

I retorted, "You."

Obviously, it was him - why on Earth would I travel all the way to Singapore if I don't have any job interviews from any companies?

"Oh, you know what? You take a seat and I will come back to you in a bit," Mr. XXX told me.

At that point of time, I was annoyed. What kinda company C. Fitness is? How can someone scheduled the interview and totally forgot about it? Furthermore, I had to travel all the way from KL to Singapore for this kinda nonsense?

Fine, I guessed I had to deal with it - I waited again.

5 minutes passed by...

10 minutes were gone...

Another 30 minutes of waiting...

BITCH! I WAITED FOR THE INTERVIEW FOR 1 F*CKING HOUR! 

Never in my life had I met companies that treated interviewees like so - 1 freaking hour of waiting? No explanation or anything even after he showed up again? I thought C. Fitness is supposed to be customer service oriented now, how can they even have irresponsible staff like so?

Again, I tried to keep my sanity amidst of all the troubles I went through from the KLIA2 to C. Fitness in Novena.

Okay, here's the interesting part - the first thing Mr. XXX told me at the moment I sat down for the interview, "I'm sorry but the position of trainer has been filled."

I was ready to blow - what the f*ck was he thinking? I didn't go all the way to Singapore to be treated like a lower class person and I definitely do not deserve to be treated like that even if they didn't want to hire me. They should have informed me earlier if the position has been filled so that I didn't need to rush all the way to Novena for NOTHING!

I admit, I am a Malaysian and I am seeking a job opportunity in Singapore but we Malaysians do not go all the way to Singapore to be treated like dogs or servants. We have our integrity and we certainly do not deserve to be treated like that, C. Fitness.

Then, Mr. XXX further said, "You know what? We will be opening another trainer position in either March or April this year, why not you come back by then?"

BITCH!

After what I have gone through earlier, did he really think I would want to go back to C. Fitness again for another interview?

HELL NO!

"If you don't mind, we do have a position as a sales consultant. I'm not sure if it is going to interest you."

Hello, Mr. XXX, I didn't go all the way to Singapore just to get the position of a sales consultant. If I wanna do sales, I would just settle down in KL. I was thinking too, I could be mean too by telling him to go to hell because my parents certainly didn't send me to universities just to end up as a sales consultant. I am not looking down at sales consultants but I am seeking a job that is related to what I have been doing. I am not a good sales person and I never will be.

Of one question that really made me angry, "I'm wondering how are you going to travel from KL to Singapore on everyday basis if you get a job here?"

Bitch, please!

That was like the stupidest question I have ever gotten in my entire life! Now, have you seen anyone who travel from KL to Singapore on everyday basis just for a job, Mr. XXX?

As I was prepared to leave, he stopped me, "Since you're already here, why not do a body analysis? Who knows you'd stand a better chance to work for us?"

I knew it was nothing good but I went ahead because I wanted to know the result as well especially after all the CNY munching. When the result was printed, he sat me down and finally told me the reality that HE IS NOT HIRING ME but in the WORST WAY ever!

"Let's take a look at your body fat percentage here - 36.1% and that is way too high. In order for you to get the position as a trainer here, your body fat percentage has to be 23% or less. Let's do it this way - give yourself one month time, lose some weight, lose some fat and come back to us. You have my email so, keep me updated, okay?"

F*CK YOU SO VERY, VERY MUCH!

To someone who has spent more than 10 years of her life trying to lose weight, that was exactly the most shameful and disrespectful thing to be said ever!

All my life, I struggled to lose weight and only last year alone, my weight was at its lowest. I gained back my long lost self-confidence and then, Mr. XXX totally murdered it. If you don't intend to hire me, please be honest and just let me know that the position has been filled, there is no need for you to bring me down to my weakest and literally murder me.

If you're thinking it was my own fault to apply for the position of a trainer in a fitness center was my fault - did they even state the requirement in their advertisement?

Things like 23% or lower body fat percentage, fit, slim and slender should be in the advertisement!

Mr. XXX totally made me felt so ashamed of myself with my weight. I felt fat and ugly. My self-confidence was lost again.

People may tell me, "It's okay, you don't deal with Mr. XXX or other Mr. XXXs on everyday basis, so cheer up."

Do you actually know it affected me emotionally and mentally? For people who have been trying so hard to lose weight, this kinda body-shaming discussions totally murder them. I felt it at that point of time.

If I could lose weight within one month and my body fat percentage could be less than 23%, why would I be working with you? I would go into modelling, you idiot! I'm just a typical human being, searching for a job and the way Mr. XXX treated me was certainly not the right way to deal with people. Nobody deserved to be treated like that.

On the topic about going back after one month for another interview - whatever!

I am not interested in Mr. XXX or the company any longer. I may be better off searching for a job elsewhere.

One thing that I learned on that very day - there are people out there who will bring you down no matter how good you are.

The reasons I quit my job - Part 2

After much procrastination, I'm going to blog about part 2 of the reasons I quit my job. If you're interested, you can read about part 1 where I stressed on how important it is for a boss to treat his or her staff right.

In the entry, I am going to discuss more on issues related to management - the 7 deadly sins of bad management. I will relate some of my personal experience in my previous organization to these sins.

Now, the keyword is being consistent to each and every staff within the organization. When the organization is small, it is easy to be consistent but as the organization grows bigger, somehow or rather, one would notice the management being inconsistent. They begin to choose sides. If you're lucky and valuable to the company, the management will try to suck up to you. However, in my previous organization, even idiots get sucked up just because they have higher qualifications. 

The management failed to understand each staff is unique and despite the uniqueness, they have to be treated equally. If you begin to choose sides based on merely your race, religion and belief, sooner or later, you'll lose the staff.

The second deadly sin would be forgetfulness - where you promise your staff something and then, you forget about it. It doesn't matter whether it is done intentionally or intentionally. If you have the guts to promise the staff something, by all mean, you should carry out your promise.

My previous management promised a raise of above 4% of annual increment for all the staff during staff meeting but when we received our payslip, we had a shock - the increment was below 4% and on top of that they gave excuses like, "Oh, you're not the HOD and you haven't done as much as the others." Some of us even got an increment of less than 3%.

It doesn't matter if one particular staff is working his or her arse off or not. If you've promised something, do it! 

It is sad to say but sometimes the management is okay but there are certain people within the management who are selfish. These are people who play politics within the company. The reason for doing so is simple - to advance and to climb up the corporate ladder faster. These are the people who are selfish and they would care less about what would happen to others as long as they get what they want and what they think they deserve.

There were people who played politics in my previous organization. In fact, I was one of the victims. In order for this particular lady to get promoted, she began to back-stab everyone. Then, I was warned to not even wear spaghetti strap outside of the management. My idiotic boss told me, "Sometimes, if the management doesn't allow you to wear shorts, you are not allowed to wear it even outside working hours."

There is NO and WILL NEVER BE a one-size-fits-all thing. A bad management will never understand this because their mentality is to hire just one person to do everything. In a way, it's cheaper but they have never thought about the effect it may have on the company in long term and to the staff himself or herself.

My previous organization - hired someone from background A and expected her to do things related to background B, C and D. When the staff questioned the management, the management said, "In life, there is not perfection. I hire you and I expect you to be able to do all that."

They had never given a thought whether or not that particular staff would be able to perform given the field wasn't related to her first degree.

Complacency is yet another deadly sin of a bad management. It is when the company is overly pleased with themselves to be aware of what has taken place in the surrounding. 

What happened to me was - during a meeting, I remember my boss told us during a meeting, "Even if you quit, we have nothing to lose. It's easy for us to find someone to replace you." He made a mistake - yes, it is easy to find someone but it takes time to train someone. Soon, bosses of other departments began to use the same statement to staff who wanted to resign.

Positive part of it - staff leave and good luck in finding the right person who would stay.

Training should be conducted to all staff from time to time to ensure staff are well exposed to the new things or technology in each field. Information should be shared to everyone within the organization without choosing sides - that is opaqueness. You do not choose whom you would share a piece of new information with.

When I applied for training, although my immediate boss approved my application, it was rejected the moment it got to the higher authority. That was the only time I appreciated what my previous boss did - to approve application to attend training. The reason given by the management for rejecting my application, "We would conduct an in-house training soon for all the staff."

Three months went by - there wasn't even news about the training. One day, when I called HR and inquired about the training, HR told me, "Oh, the training was conducted last month. I didn't see you signing up?" I was flabbergasted. There was an in-house training but some of us weren't even informed about it.

It is utterly important for the management to include praises if any staff has done well in his or her job. Sometimes, these staff just thirst for a word of 'thank you' or 'well done'. A bad management will never address appreciation to the staff but they will think that it is due to themselves that the company has been doing well. 

My previous organization - they kept all the praises and at times, they would even thank the wrong person. Imagine you were me, you did something but instead of getting a 'thank you', the praise went to another person who didn't do much. 

It was truly devastating for me to stay on in the organization. I was hurt mentally, threatened, ignored and totally being treated like I am an idiot. I didn't see how much they value my effort and work at all. I ended up resigning after 2 years of going through nonsense and bullshit.

At this point of life, I am happy - after I quit my job, I traveled a lot and came to understand a lot of things.

The reasons I quit my job - Part 1

Before you jump into conclusion and start pointing fingers at me, let me clarify few things:

1. I have never stated I hated teaching or educating others.
2. I have never stated I hated my previous job.
3. I have never stated other jobs are easy.

Read the disclaimers above before you pass your judgments.

True enough as an educator, I often get these kinda kind remarks from people around me:

"A teacher has high salary."

"It's so nice that you have so many holidays."

"Teaching is an easy task - you just need to go into the class and start blabbering."

Let me clarify the statements above.

First of all, a teacher doesn't have high salary be it you are in government or private sector. Those teachers who earn a lot are those who run tuition centers outside. They teach and earn at the same time.

Who on Earth made the statement that an educator has so many holidays? We are not students so, how are we going to enjoy all those school holidays? When your children are having their semester breaks or year-end holidays, we are still working our arses off. We have to travel to our institutions to carry out our tasks before the beginning of a new semester. To make the matter worse, we have so many examination scripts to mark when your children are enjoying their sweet time at home.

Which idiot thinks that teaching is an easy task that the only thing we need to do is just walk into the class and start teaching? We need time to prepare our teaching materials as well as teaching aids? We are not robots and we can't be pre-programmed to teach because your children differ greatly. Different individuals require different teaching approaches. Furthermore, we have to prepare lesson plans before the class. After class ends, we have a report to write as well.

Even when being an educator is not an easy task, I have to admit I love teaching. I love sharing my knowledge with others and best of all, I love to be able to stand on the stage and deliver my lessons.

Just for your information, I was a lecturer and my job required me to deliver lectures to foundation as well as degree students. The reason why I love lecturing more than teaching in primary and secondary schools is that the students that I deal with are adults and they pretty much understand what is right and what is wrong.

Some of you may ask, "If you love your job, why did you resign?"

I'm not sure about others but the sole reason of my resignation was due to my immediate boss. Let's call him Mr. Fearful, shall we? A lot of researches proved that the main reason why employees resign is due to fact that they have bad bosses or managers.

Throughout my two-year service with that institution, I have came to learn a lot especially on how Mr. Fearful handled his staff. I told myself that one of these days, if I ever have the chance to become a boss or manager, I will never repeat his deadly mistakes.

A boss inspires fear while a leader earns respect.

Two years ago, when I first joined the institution, I never paid too much attention to Mr. Fearful. All I knew was that he was our boss and we needed to respect him. I didn't thought much of him at all until one year later, he began to showcase his power.

It all started with threats and more threats. More than often, before he started a meeting, he would read out employment's terms and conditions before anything else. To him, it was a reminder but to those who were present during the meeting felt like he was trying to impose to others that he was the boss and nobody should go against him.

On top of that, I remember Mr. Fearful threatened us by telling the staff to resign if he or she wasn't happy with the job and that it would be as simple as A-B-C for him to find a new staff to replace the the resigned staff in his or her jobs.

A boss is impersonal while a leader is compassionate

Mr. Fearful often told us we had to learn to be more understanding towards another person but then again, from as far as I understood, he was more impersonal then compassionate. He often thought very highly of himself.

Once, he made this statement, "Sometimes, you have to choose between your family or your job."

What was he trying to imply? Was he trying to tell me if I were to choose my family over my job, I should resign?

A leader will listen and poisition himself in your situation but Mr. Fearful was expecting us to make decision exactly like his - eg. giving up his family vacation because of work.

A boss micromanages while a leader delegates

It did appear to me personally that Mr. Fearful always said, "I will delegate task to each and everyone of you." Correct me if I am wrong, when you delegate, your staff would have to agree with task delegated to him or her. Mr. Fearful would use the term 'delegate' but then again, it appeared to me that he was more towards micromanaging and staging everything on his own. Eventually, he would 'delegate' tasks to the staff.

A boss thinks of short term while a leader thinks of long term 

Mr. Fearful always thought it was easy to replace staff because everything on his mind was just, "You're not happy, you quit."

Little did he realize it takes time and effort to develop a staff. By replacing the staff from time to time, it could jeopardize the quality of education provided by the institution. Since he made the point it is easy to get a staff with a Master's degree or higher, easily, I guess he could offend people easily without considering how the whole thing could affect the organization in long term.

A boss behaves like a king while a leader is everyone's colleague

I do not remember if there was once Mr. Fearful actually mix and mingle with his staff unless there was free food and drink. Most of the time, he would only hang out with those of his friends who possess similar qualification as him.

To him, it could be nothing but in the eyes of others, he was merely looking down at the more younger and junior staff.

A boss focuses on process while a leader focuses on people

Honestly, from what I could remember, Mr. Fearful focused on getting the job done. Little did he realized that in order to get job done, you need your staff to fully support you. He focused too much on the process of getting his tasks completed thus, neglected the importance of maintaining a good relationship among the staff.

I do not remember there was even once he would show his empathy to his staff. Even in my issue, instead of trying to look at the bigger picture, he was telling me to understand his situation. Aren't you the boss? Aren't you suppose to reassure me that your decision is good and fair? Instead, he put me down by trying to threaten me and forcing me to choose between my job and family.

Honestly, after my previous experience of working under him, it scared the hell out of me of landing another job. Even after I quit my job, I had nightmares of him trying to threaten me. In worse cases, I would wake up with cold sweat because he tried to strangle me - he wanted me dead.

I was completely restless for 2 to 3 months after that.

Whenever people asked me about my work experience in that place where people deemed it's "prestigious", my only resort was to tell them that the place was good but the people in that place weren't as good as outsiders may imagine.

I am not stating all the superiors out there are bad. Indeed, I have met good ones who truly knew how to inspire and motivate others. I told myself, if there would be a day that I would become a boss, I will make sure I will not repeat Mr. Fearful's way of managing my staff.

Damage has been done - mentally.

Things I have learned at work

If you do not know yet, I have resigned from my job about 6 months ago and ever since then, life has been blissful. I am blessed to have chances to fly to several places despite not earning a single cent. Next month, I will be flying off to Seoul for another most anticipated trip. I have never felt so thankful in the past when I was still holding a job. 

Even people that I have met told me, "It's good that you have left that hell hole."

In fact, I do feel that the choice to leave that organization is by far the best decision I have made in my entire life.

Being in the organization for a full 2 years, I have to tell you all that it's more than enough. I know there are some of you who have been working 5 to 10 to 20 years with the same organization and I'm positive that you're going to tell me things like, "Oh, it happens in all organization so you've gotta crawl to learn to adapt."

My answer to your statement, "NO!"'

If crawling enables me to learn and to develop myself, I don't mind crawling but in my previous organization, I couldn't even envision my future at all. I have met too many idiots, two-headed snakes, ass-worshippers and so on - enough is enough.

Today, I am going to share with you, some of the things I have learned at work, hopefully to those of you who are reading this, you may benefit from it.

1. Possessing higher education does not make you a smarter person.

Seriously, up to this point of my life, even if I have a Master's degree, so what? There is nothing special with that piece of paper. However, there are certain people in the organization that behave like they have it all just because they have PhD. 

Remember, even PhD doesn't make you a smart person - learn to be humble.

2. Not everyone is fighting the same battle as you.

I know you are going to tell me to go with the flow but sometimes, I do feel going with the flow is going against my conscience when the flow is cheating another person. Why do I have to oblige when I very well know what other people is doing is wrong? 

Problems come when you have decided to go against them.

3. Not everyone is competent enough to hold their positions.

You may be a senior manager but then again, when your staff asked you a question and your reply is, "Eh, is there such thing? I didn't know about it! Too bad for you."

What the fuck is wrong with the HR for recruiting these kinda people to be managers or upper level management?

If you possess the qualification to be a manager, prove it! I'm not telling you to prove it by being an idiot.

4. Not everyone is your friend.

You may want to keep a low profile because backstabbers are everywhere. There are times people around you may seem like friends but think twice, they may be ones who are going to backstab you if you are not careful.

Learn not to tell everyone about everything. Learn to keep certain things to yourself. Learn not to talk too much too.

5. "Worshipers" are everywhere!

You have to bear with it. Sometimes, you will meet an idiot boss whom will mislead you but instead of correcting him, you will see people that goes like, "Oh, boss, you're very smart! We are going to follow you!"

So, if your boss is telling you to jump off the cliff just because he is an asshole, are you going to do so? Stop worshiping the ground your idiotic bosses or friends walk on.

6. There are differences between a "boss" and a "leader".

A leader leads while a boss orders around. You get the difference, right?

A leader will correct you if you're wrong but a boss warns and scolds you in front of everyone when you've made a mistake. 

A stupid boss will ask you to choose between your family or your job.

7. Threats will be thrown around if you do not comply to what your superior wants.

This happens when your boss doesn't get what he or she wants. 

"I don't care if there is no volunteer and if nobody wants to volunteer, I will randomly choose two of you to represent us and you are not allowed to decline."

Rings a bell?

Hello, boss, why not you volunteer yourself?

8. Courtesy may not always be available.

We all know we are paid to work but we are not well informed when people asked for help, there are no 'please' and 'thank you'. 

9. There will always be someone who is eyeing your position.

Face it - it happens everywhere. People wants your position even if they are not qualified. They will think of every possible way to throw you out of your position so that they could climb up and sit there comfortably.

10. Keep your life to yourself.

Do not, I repeat, do not approve friends at work. Do not update your personal life on facebook, instagram or twitter. It may stir the jealousy button and people may just report you.

Not happy? Eat on it.

There you go, 10 things I have learned at work.

I hope this entry will be able to help those of you who are going to be thrown in the working world.

Good luck!

You're just too picky!

This is the topic that I am quite reluctant to talk about for the longest time.

I have been trying my best to avoid it because I know if anyone within my circle of friends start to talk about it, I will be the first or probably second target in the conversation.

You want to know why?

It's all because I am 30 and I am still single.

Okay, welcome to my life!

True enough, over the years, I have series of unhappy events when it comes to relationships and most of the times, I did blog about it.

Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with me, confiding in my blog because certain times, when you talk to people about your story, people do not understand your situation and that makes everything worse! To me, my blog is a person to whom I could go on and on about one thing and he doesn't respond negatively to me - if you're not happy reading my blog, you are always welcome to leave.

Okay, here comes the real thing.

I have been getting a lot of questions from people around me, "Angel, why are you still single?"

At this age, I do get it when people question you about it but the thing that really makes me angry is when people ask me the next question, "Are you too picky?"

First of all, let me tell you this - when you direct this question to a person who is single and still searching, the person being asked may not tell you anything but it could be offensive to them.

I hate it when people label me as 'picky'.

My argument is that if you think I am picky, why not we divert the question to yourself for a bit? If you are not picky, would you end up with your current boyfriend or husband? If you are not picky, would you just randomly choose a stranger and marry him or her?

The answer is a 'no', so, quit labeling other people as picky when you do not know their stories.

I know I can complain a lot about being single but at the same time, I refuse to do something about it.

Do you know why I refuse to do something about it?

If you do not know why, let me tell you again - I have had enough experiences with jerks and assholes who were only eyeing money and sex. My life is not about lending my money to any guys out there and it certainly has nothing to do with sex or even one night stand.

Sorry to those who are practicing this but seriously, if you come to me just because you are thinking about sex without string attached, my only sentence to you, "TO HELL WITH YOU!"

If you love sex or one night stand so much, go and find yourselves some professional prostitutes out there because one thing I know for sure, I am not one of them.

If you're thinking of preaching me that I should know how to satisfy a guy sexually, then, I will advise you to stop trying to preach me because I am a lady with high ego and I am not going to listen to your preach since I have my own life to lead. Seriously, I have no interest in wanting to know how you perform blowjobs on your boyfriends or how good you are in all positions in bed - save it to yourself!

To me, finding the right person is more important than any other things in this world and if sex is bound to happen, let it happen with the right person so that even if you guys do not end up getting married, still, it happened without regrets.

Once, a friend came to me, telling me, "Angel, I envy you because you are still single and you have no worries about relationships."

 You are not me, how would you know I have no worries about relationships? Sometimes I just do not talk to people about my relationship problems because I believe certain things shouldn't be spread.

When you are in a relationship and at the same time, your friend is single, stop telling him or her, "I envy you because you are single - you don't realize how troublesome relationships can be."

In that case, break up with your current partner and stay single!!!!!

Why do you even need to worry when you can break up?

Don't tell me, "Oh, you wouldn't understand my dilemmas - we've been together for almost 10 years and breaking up is not an option." 

Quit telling me also, "We've been married, it's not as easy as you've thought."

Sure it sounds easy to me when you are trying be 'envious' over me, being single.

If it is not easy, quit telling people how 'envious' you are - it doesn't work that way! Certain things may look easy to you but it is NOT that easy for the person who is actually going through it. Quit telling people that they do not understand your situation because you do not understand their situations too.

Worse still, I hate it when people tell me, "Maybe the time is not right, when it is right, Mr. Right will appear."

Hey, do you think Mr. Right is like a wizard whom can appear and disappear as he likes? If you are unsure, save the consolation to yourself. I do not appreciate your consolation at all because it irks me. It makes me feel like you are trying to laugh at my misery.

You do not know what I have been through so, don't just jump into the picture and tell me something offensive. It would be better if you switch to another subject that is less offensive.

I do not mind people telling me about their relationships but I get annoyed and angry when people try to label me as picky and stuffs like that. I have been in pathetic relationships with wrong guys and if you are gonna tell me I am not trying hard enough, you should just commit suicide!

Lesson of the day for all of you out there:

1 - Do not tell your single friends that maybe they are too picky - it's not your call.

2 - If you are gonna preach them, make sure you can tolerate it if they preach you.

3 - Stop trying to sound professional when you are not.

Why?

As I am documenting each of my feeling down right now, all that I am feeling - I miss you more than words could say. Sometimes, I wish things would stay the way it is from the very beginning but somehow, our relationship took a big turn and our lives are changed - forever.

We started out more than just enemies - we hated each other. We couldn't tolerate the sight of each other. We got annoyed at each other's name. We pretty much did not get along well.

There were times I wished you were not in my way but somehow, fate always seems to prove things will forever happen the opposite of what we have always wanted - our paths crossed. There you were, not my knight in shining armor but my worst nightmare ever.

As time passed by, things started to take their tolls. Little did we know, all the hatred we had for each other would blossom into friendship - a friendship that I never even imagined.

Things got a little complicated and then on, we were suddenly 老公 and 老婆. It wasn't intended - all that happened was that I was hoping you would pay a little bit more attention during class rather than chit-chatting with your friends. You may think I am an idiot but the trick did work - I started to see you paying more attention during class.

Well... we managed to clear our misunderstanding and soon, we started talking more to each other. It was then, I came to realize that we were similar in so many ways. Even those around us were telling us that we were the opposite gender of each other. I guess it could be one of the reasons we hit it off.

From talking to each other to messaging to whatsapp-ing to hanging out.

Do you remember the time when I visited Miri with some of our friends? 

You told me, you were not that close to these friends and yet, you still came because I asked you to. You made yourself available on those two days just to come and see us?

Even though your place is a little bit far away from where we were staying, it did not stop you from meeting up with us.

I wasn't exactly in a good mood at that time but somehow, you managed to cheer me up with your typical annoying jokes.

Do you remember the time when I met your mum for the first time?

Honestly, I wasn't quite prepared for it because I wasn't expecting auntie to want to meet up. My heart was pounding so fast that it almost fell out when I was waiting for you and auntie to arrive. I kept my sanity because I knew I was the one being paranoid.

When you finally sent us off on our last day in Miri, I was feeling weird. That feeling was just like butterflies in the stomach.

It suddenly struck me...

Perhaps, in the past, both of us were too busy hating each other to even notice, "Hey, that's a real awesome person you've got there!"

I seriously did not know why but as days went by, I found myself doing little things for you. On your side, I noticed you were doing the same thing. These were the things that put smiles on our faces as we braced each and every day.

I didn't even get to thank your mum for the yummy cheesecake and the CNY red packet that she sent. Well.. she had to get you to send the cakes and red packets to travel with you to me. Oh, oh... that was the time when you met my parents for the first time too.

The time when you fell sick and your mum called and asked for my help to send you to the hospital, honestly, I wasn't feeling too good myself. I knew I was worried about you but I was too sick to drive that I had to get my sister to be our driver. I ended up vomiting in the car =.="

What a sight to behold!

After that all of us spent the next few hours in the hospital.

Do you remember the first time you stayed over at my place? 

My mum whipped up a simple traditional Chinese chicken mee sua with boiled egg for your dinner? You were enjoying the meal because you told me the mee sua's texture was unique and you had never come across it in Miri.

Fast forward to early March 2015...

I had finally gotten my long-awaited trip to Belawai...

Little did I know you had a little surprise prepared for me at Belawai.

It was a birthday surprise!

I was at a loss of words when you and your friends took out a birthday cake out of nowhere and started to sing the birthday song to me.

To be honest, I felt the butterflies in my stomach again but I ignored it.

I was ready to cry but I held my tears because I knew crying would make me look ugly on a joyful day which was to be celebrated.

You told me, "Sorry, the cake is kinda melting because there is no fridge at my place. The girl at the bakery told me that Tiramisu is the only cake that could last without fridge - hence, the ugly cake."

It was a fruitful day for me because of you and your friends - I was honestly very, very touched and happy. I guess, I managed to hide my feelings quite well.

By the time the day ended, I was dead tired. I fell asleep in the car and this was what you did to me!

I mean, seriously?!

It was really a tiring day - all of us woke up at 5 to get ourselves ready for our Belawai trip and by the time it ended, I didn't even realized I had fallen asleep on our way back home.

I certainly didn't realize what happened but everything between us happened so fast that we started attending events together and soon, we were labelled as 'they come in pair'.

It was really weird - when we were on our own, you would never tease me but when there were friends around, sometimes, I felt like you went over the limit. I told myself that you didn't mean it because those were jokes. Well, I guess there is truth when people say that you get angry or mad because you care, right?

Do you remember the time when you had to go to each and every bakery around town just to custom-made my double-storey birthday cake? 

You told me you were a bit frustrated because you knew how much I wanted triple-storey birthday cake and you couldn't find any bakery that would accept your order. You resorted to ask my sister for help in the end. My sister was laughing and telling me that, "No, you shouldn't get a triple-storey birthday cake for Angel because that means she's gonna be 30 so, get a double-storey cake instead!"

I almost couldn't believe it when you pushed the trolley towards me while singing the birthday song the second time this year. I was very, very, very touched... again, I held back the tears because I was pretending to be the cool kid next door.

Look at my happy face!

When you knew I wasn't having a good day, you would go, "Let's do waffles and pancakes!"

You knew how much I loved waffles and pancakes, just like yourself.

Honestly, I could never imagine how my life would be if you were not there for me. I was thankful and grateful for having you next to me but somehow, good thing always comes to an end.

I had to leave for KL.

I was heavy-hearted but I lied that I wasn't. I lied to each and everyone around me that I wasn't feeling a thing because I knew between you and me, there would never be anything. Again, I pretended to be cool. On the day of my departure, I was really hoping you would at least give me a hug but you didn't.

You saw me getting out of the car and yet, there wasn't even a goodbye.

It broke my heart but I knew you have your reasons for not doing so. I told myself, I didn't wanna know why but I couldn't avoid asking, "Hey, why didn't you give me a goodbye hug? Don't you feel heavy-hearted when I left?"

Your answer was, "I wanted to but there were others around so I didn't do it... Furthermore, I know myself too well. I am scared if I hugged you then, I wouldn't want to let go."

Butterflies in the stomach - again.

I guess God was trying to test my patience. In every friendship or relationship, there is bound to be love and hate.

At the time you denied me, I told myself, "Perhaps, this was only a dream - a dream that I wish would go on forever."

Hearts are left broken with the words left unspoken.

I never really came to realization how true this phrase was.

The time when you told me, "Between us, there is nothing and there never will be anything. I wasn't pursuing you and you will definitely meet a guy who's better than me."

My heart bled. I cried, but, why?

There was nothing I could do. All of a sudden, I felt the distance between us - we were one South China Sea apart from each other.

I started to question God... did I meet the right person at the wrong time?

God, if You were listening or even reading this, is generation or age gap keeping us away from each other?

Why, me?

Why, him?

Why did things have to develop just to have them destroyed again?

If I have to choose to be honest, God, there isn't a day spent without thinking about him. However, I come to understand that there is no point holding on because between us, there are just too many impossibilities.

For once, I will continue to persevere and pretend that nothing happened because just as you have put it, you will definitely meet a better girl in the future and I am pretty certain she would be way better than me. She would be the one who would melt your heart. She would be the one who would hold on to you.

Good luck!

The thing about weight loss

It has been almost two years since I embarked on my weight loss journey. After the three toughest months in my life, I went back to eat normal meals and I stopped going to the gym as well due to few factors, one of which would be my laziness.

Reverting back to normal eating style was pretty easy in the first place but soon, it went haywire. I was constantly going through psychological battle of choosing good food over bad ones.

I know I should avoid sugary food like desserts and stuffs because it will cause a lot of side effects to my health as well as contributing to the increment in my weight. Soon, the craving went out of control a bit and I began to eat junk food and desserts.

Before I knew it, my weight increased from 58kg to 62.6kg within half year of stuffing crappy food down my throat to my stomach. I could feel certain dresses starting to get tighter and worse still, I felt bloated all the times. As if it wasn't bad enough, I didn't feel the need to get back on track.

Suddenly, it struck me, I am a kinda a yo-yo dieter.

I am very much aware of my problem and yet, I still repeat this yo-yo dieting routine from time to time. But hey... it isn't that I am enjoying every bit of it but I am that kinda person who has very low metabolism rate. That particularly means I do not sweat easily even in the hottest or dry weather. I have to be on the treadmill for more than 45 minutes only then, I could spot a little bit of sweat.

#firstworldpain

The motivation to get back on track was practically zero or it didn't even exist at all until April this year when my students decided to surprise me with a birthday gathering.

When I finally received the pictures, I was totally at a loss of words - how can I be so fat and I didn't even realize it at all? What on Earth was I thinking when I put all those crappy food into my mouth? Did I never even think of my waistline? Did I even want to gain back all the weight that I have lost over the past 2 years?

I was even more shocked when I went through the rest of the pictures taken during my birthday week.

How could nobody tell me that I have actually gained a lot of weight?

I mean I know I was gaining weight but I didn't realize it was so pretty dang obvious!
Look at my round face and big mighty arms! OMG... What has gotten into me?!

I was even more confirmed that my weight gain was horrible when I finally got the two maxi dresses from TCL and VGY.

How on Earth could I gain so much weight and still, I could be pretty ignorant about it? There was no way I could believe it was me, looking back at my own reflection in the mirror!

A million times NO!!!

*sighs... sighs... sighs... sighs... sighs...

For the next one week, I was practically emo-ing over my weight gain and finally, I decided to get back on track. I need to be at my pre-weight gain weight. I want to look healthy and most important of all, pretty. I need my confidence back. I need to feel alive for once again!

I left my hometown from KL - yes, peeps, I am back at KL for good and this time, never gonna go back to my hometown and that hell of a work place! Then on, I decided to once again, embark on another weight loss journey. Now, you see? Yo-yo dieter...

The first week into eating clean went by pretty easy because I could easily find healthy food supplies in KL. Unlike in my hometown, salads are like 3 to 4 times more expensive than what we have here in KL. Eating clean in my hometown was literally impossible because every now and then, my parents would whip up good meals or I would go out with friends.

Lemme share with you what I have been eating and doing for the past 3 weeks in KL.

If I were going out, I would opt for brown rice or quinoa with salad. I especially love the brown rice served by Three Little Birds Coffee in D7, Sentul.

The bento box isn't exactly cheap but I was aiming to eat healthily to shed a few pounds off so it has to be done that way.

If I were to order coffees or teas, I would go for either low fat milk or soy milk. At least from what I understand, these two types of milks have lower calories compared to normal fresh milk. Well, sometimes a girl gotta do what she gotta do.

I try to stick to only order salads without mayonnaise or thousand island sauce. I usually opt for balsamic vinegar, garlic or a little bit of chilli here and there for my dressing.

If I were going to order chicken, it has to be chicken breast and well... grilling would be the best option

One thing you have to bear in mind if you were going to order salad outside - it is not entirely cheap. Let's say I am trying to cut down on my spending on food, what would I be eating?

To be honest, I do not particularly like Yong Tau Fu because I know that every bit of it is processed food. The trick on ordering Yong Tau Fu is that, do not be greedy and get everything in sight. You have to know what is the food that your body needs.

If you do not know what processed food is, it basically means food that has been altered from its natural state.

Examples of processed food would be fish balls, nuggets, hot dogs, sausages, sodas and others.

Hence, if I were going to order Yong Tau Fu, I would go with tofu and fresh vegetables. However, my diet isn't extremely strict to the point I have to get rid of all processed food from my life once and for all. Occasionally, I still eat my hot dogs and sardines.

As far as fast food like McD and KFC, well, to have none would be the best idea if you are going on a diet.

Most of the times, I try to keep things simple. That explains why I prefer to prepare my own food at home. One of the most important reason why that is so is because at least, I know what gets down my throat to my tummy.

My utmost favourite meal would be this!

I bought myself a spirelli so that I could make zucchini noodles.

You may be telling me that it is a waste of money to buy hings like that but lemme tell you - sometimes, you have to cheat yourself in order to make yourself feel good and zucchini noodles is one of the ways to end my craving for pasta.

At least, I feel like I am eating noodles.

Carb craving - settled!

The spirelli has to be one of the best products I have ever bought because I am kinda hooked on making zucchini noodles every day.

If I were too lazy to cook, I would just throw in some lettuce topped with Yellow Mustard and well... if there are chicken stripes, that would be the best.

I do take carbohydrate but I try to minimize the total amount of it. I would opt for either protein or probably just salad.

By the end of Week 1, I actually feel less bloated and I could feel my tummy flatter.

At the same time, I frequented the gym two to three times every week. I would do squats, cardio and a little bit of weight lifting. During weekends, I would go swimming.

I am not aiming for a model-like body but I just wanna be 58kg again.

During the second week, my mum came to KL and it was almost impossible for me to get her to go on a diet with me so, over the few days she was with me, I did eat food like nasi lemak, thosai, curry, rendang, fried squid and all those unhealthy food. The trick is to eat some and not a lot.

I'm sure you get what I am trying to tell you.

On those days when mum went out with her friends, I would stay in and whipped up my own meals.

Sometimes, I would prepare extra so that I could pack up some late dinner for my brother. The pasta that you see in the picture above is not mine though. I am trying to avoid carbohydrate so, you get what I mean.

Another easy salad recipe would be this...

No cooking required.

You basically just throw everything in and believe me, the combination is good. I love the flavor that the tuna gives whilst the corns are really, really sweet!

On days when I do not feel lazy, I would cook a bit...

Well, easy dish like what you see above is really good for your body. You basically just boil the french beans and cook the minced chicken.

Voila, ready to be eaten!

Oh, please cut down on the sodium and salt, okay?

By the end of the second week, I actually feel good about myself.

It could be psychological but I do feel lighter.

Pants are starting to feel loose once again. I am determined to keep up my good work!

This week is the third week and I am trying to experiment with vegetables that I have never tried before - brussels sprouts.

I just popped everything into the oven after drizzling the brussels sprouts with a bit of olive oil. After 25 minutes, done!

Fried myself an egg with half link of Chinese sausage.

For dinner, I would usually go a bit lighter by taking raw vegetables.

Well, I kid you not when I tell you everything that you are seeing here in my blog is so easy to prepare. I usually could eat after 15 to 20 minutes and best of all, I would meal-prep for the next day or so. Life couldn't get anymore easier.

So, this week's update...

Please excuse my flabby thighs...

Pants are loose, I have mentioned that. I feel like my collar bones are getting more obvious. My thighs aren't as gigantic as they used to be.

Best of all... I could feel my face getting slimmer too.

 Life has never been so good with dieting.

Hopefully by the end of this week, I would still be motivated to continue to eat healthy to reach my goal weight of 55kg to 56kg.

I haven't have the chance to go and weigh myself yet but I would do so soon.

Before I head off to bed, I really hope my entry would be useful to those of you who are trying to shed off a few pounds.