Thursday, May 21, 2015


As I am documenting each of my feeling down right now, all that I am feeling - I miss you more than words could say. Sometimes, I wish things would stay the way it is from the very beginning but somehow, our relationship took a big turn and our lives are changed - forever.

We started out more than just enemies - we hated each other. We couldn't tolerate the sight of each other. We got annoyed at each other's name. We pretty much did not get along well.

There were times I wished you were not in my way but somehow, fate always seems to prove things will forever happen the opposite of what we have always wanted - our paths crossed. There you were, not my knight in shining armor but my worst nightmare ever.

As time passed by, things started to take their tolls. Little did we know, all the hatred we had for each other would blossom into friendship - a friendship that I never even imagined.

Things got a little complicated and then on, we were suddenly 老公 and 老婆. It wasn't intended - all that happened was that I was hoping you would pay a little bit more attention during class rather than chit-chatting with your friends. You may think I am an idiot but the trick did work - I started to see you paying more attention during class.

Well... we managed to clear our misunderstanding and soon, we started talking more to each other. It was then, I came to realize that we were similar in so many ways. Even those around us were telling us that we were the opposite gender of each other. I guess it could be one of the reasons we hit it off.

From talking to each other to messaging to whatsapp-ing to hanging out.

Do you remember the time when I visited Miri with some of our friends? 

You told me, you were not that close to these friends and yet, you still came because I asked you to. You made yourself available on those two days just to come and see us?

Even though your place is a little bit far away from where we were staying, it did not stop you from meeting up with us.

I wasn't exactly in a good mood at that time but somehow, you managed to cheer me up with your typical annoying jokes.

Do you remember the time when I met your mum for the first time?

Honestly, I wasn't quite prepared for it because I wasn't expecting auntie to want to meet up. My heart was pounding so fast that it almost fell out when I was waiting for you and auntie to arrive. I kept my sanity because I knew I was the one being paranoid.

When you finally sent us off on our last day in Miri, I was feeling weird. That feeling was just like butterflies in the stomach.

It suddenly struck me...

Perhaps, in the past, both of us were too busy hating each other to even notice, "Hey, that's a real awesome person you've got there!"

I seriously did not know why but as days went by, I found myself doing little things for you. On your side, I noticed you were doing the same thing. These were the things that put smiles on our faces as we braced each and every day.

I didn't even get to thank your mum for the yummy cheesecake and the CNY red packet that she sent. Well.. she had to get you to send the cakes and red packets to travel with you to me. Oh, oh... that was the time when you met my parents for the first time too.

The time when you fell sick and your mum called and asked for my help to send you to the hospital, honestly, I wasn't feeling too good myself. I knew I was worried about you but I was too sick to drive that I had to get my sister to be our driver. I ended up vomiting in the car =.="

What a sight to behold!

After that all of us spent the next few hours in the hospital.

Do you remember the first time you stayed over at my place? 

My mum whipped up a simple traditional Chinese chicken mee sua with boiled egg for your dinner? You were enjoying the meal because you told me the mee sua's texture was unique and you had never come across it in Miri.

Fast forward to early March 2015...

I had finally gotten my long-awaited trip to Belawai...

Little did I know you had a little surprise prepared for me at Belawai.

It was a birthday surprise!

I was at a loss of words when you and your friends took out a birthday cake out of nowhere and started to sing the birthday song to me.

To be honest, I felt the butterflies in my stomach again but I ignored it.

I was ready to cry but I held my tears because I knew crying would make me look ugly on a joyful day which was to be celebrated.

You told me, "Sorry, the cake is kinda melting because there is no fridge at my place. The girl at the bakery told me that Tiramisu is the only cake that could last without fridge - hence, the ugly cake."

It was a fruitful day for me because of you and your friends - I was honestly very, very touched and happy. I guess, I managed to hide my feelings quite well.

By the time the day ended, I was dead tired. I fell asleep in the car and this was what you did to me!

I mean, seriously?!

It was really a tiring day - all of us woke up at 5 to get ourselves ready for our Belawai trip and by the time it ended, I didn't even realized I had fallen asleep on our way back home.

I certainly didn't realize what happened but everything between us happened so fast that we started attending events together and soon, we were labelled as 'they come in pair'.

It was really weird - when we were on our own, you would never tease me but when there were friends around, sometimes, I felt like you went over the limit. I told myself that you didn't mean it because those were jokes. Well, I guess there is truth when people say that you get angry or mad because you care, right?

Do you remember the time when you had to go to each and every bakery around town just to custom-made my double-storey birthday cake? 

You told me you were a bit frustrated because you knew how much I wanted triple-storey birthday cake and you couldn't find any bakery that would accept your order. You resorted to ask my sister for help in the end. My sister was laughing and telling me that, "No, you shouldn't get a triple-storey birthday cake for Angel because that means she's gonna be 30 so, get a double-storey cake instead!"

I almost couldn't believe it when you pushed the trolley towards me while singing the birthday song the second time this year. I was very, very, very touched... again, I held back the tears because I was pretending to be the cool kid next door.

Look at my happy face!

When you knew I wasn't having a good day, you would go, "Let's do waffles and pancakes!"

You knew how much I loved waffles and pancakes, just like yourself.

Honestly, I could never imagine how my life would be if you were not there for me. I was thankful and grateful for having you next to me but somehow, good thing always comes to an end.

I had to leave for KL.

I was heavy-hearted but I lied that I wasn't. I lied to each and everyone around me that I wasn't feeling a thing because I knew between you and me, there would never be anything. Again, I pretended to be cool. On the day of my departure, I was really hoping you would at least give me a hug but you didn't.

You saw me getting out of the car and yet, there wasn't even a goodbye.

It broke my heart but I knew you have your reasons for not doing so. I told myself, I didn't wanna know why but I couldn't avoid asking, "Hey, why didn't you give me a goodbye hug? Don't you feel heavy-hearted when I left?"

Your answer was, "I wanted to but there were others around so I didn't do it... Furthermore, I know myself too well. I am scared if I hugged you then, I wouldn't want to let go."

Butterflies in the stomach - again.

I guess God was trying to test my patience. In every friendship or relationship, there is bound to be love and hate.

At the time you denied me, I told myself, "Perhaps, this was only a dream - a dream that I wish would go on forever."

Hearts are left broken with the words left unspoken.

I never really came to realization how true this phrase was.

The time when you told me, "Between us, there is nothing and there never will be anything. I wasn't pursuing you and you will definitely meet a guy who's better than me."

My heart bled. I cried, but, why?

There was nothing I could do. All of a sudden, I felt the distance between us - we were one South China Sea apart from each other.

I started to question God... did I meet the right person at the wrong time?

God, if You were listening or even reading this, is generation or age gap keeping us away from each other?

Why, me?

Why, him?

Why did things have to develop just to have them destroyed again?

If I have to choose to be honest, God, there isn't a day spent without thinking about him. However, I come to understand that there is no point holding on because between us, there are just too many impossibilities.

For once, I will continue to persevere and pretend that nothing happened because just as you have put it, you will definitely meet a better girl in the future and I am pretty certain she would be way better than me. She would be the one who would melt your heart. She would be the one who would hold on to you.

Good luck!

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