I will call it #foreveralone as inspired by Cheesie in one of her most recent entries. Err... I almost cried when I was reading her entry. Okay, I wasn't really in an emotional mode but somehow, what she wrote really made me thought about a lot of things.
As the matter of fact, I was about to delete this entry already because I have really been busy trying to finish up my thesis these few weeks because I'm lacking of time. I need to graduate by this semester because I freaking don't want to pay another few thousand bucks for the fees next semester. My life is pathetic... I feel pathetic too, especially when I am working on my thesis alone and having no one to even tell me, "C'mon Angel, just a bit more and you'll be done with it!"
No motivations, no inspirations and #foreveralone!
Even now, as I am re-blogging about this entry, I've spent the entire morning at my faculty's library and since it has closed an hour ago, I moved to the main library because first of all, nobody would teman me as most of the friends are either busy working or busy with their lives. I only got to see BFF for like 2 hours for breakfast and after sending my sister off to work, there I go again - it happens every single day - #foreveralone!!!
I get a lot of that-kinda-look when people ask me, "Hey, when are you gonna get married?" My only question is, "No boyfriend, how to get married?" Then, when I answer their question with another question, they would forever reply this is sweeping statement that I forever hate, "You're ain't getting any younger for goodness sake!"
Stupid questions with redundant answers!
I mean, you know the answer already, why keep on asking me the same questions when I am also paranoid about the phobia of having to grow old and die alone?
I don't hate weddings or anything, in fact, my ultimate dream job is to become a wedding planner aside from a doctor, which is clearly not achievable because I don't have what it takes to become one - I scream at the slightest cut so, how do you expect me to stitch a wound?
Then again, just for your information, I love attending weddings and hearing church bells. In fact, I kinda know why I get those kinda questions all the times...
Friends of my age are either getting engaged, married or even having children when I am still bumming from one place to another, having no freaking job and still studying. FML! For the past 20 years minus the initial years of being too-young-for-school, I have been studying non-stop.
This is certainly NOT the kinda achievement I want in my life if you were to ask me but at the same time, I am thankful I have achieved so far in my studies.
No, I don't think having this achievement is a blessing in disguise or anything because there are certainly more influential and wealthier people who did not have the chance to attend schools but they made it big with their hard work and perseverance.
It is freaking annoying when you get statements like these from people around you...
"You are a girl, why do you need to study so much? Get yourself a man and marry him!"
"If you were to study PhD. for sure it'll be harder to land yourself with a man."
"It must be you're too choosy that no guys could match your criteria."
"When you complain about guys who don't look good, remember they're criticizing you as well."
What is freaking wrong with you all???!!!
I am perfectly fine on my own and I do not need anyone to preach me with what-they-think-is-correct philosophies even though I admit, I do feel lonely especially on Friday nights and weekends.
Just like Cheesie has mentioned in her blog, yes, I eat 2 to 3 meals alone everyday because stupid sister is working and I don't get to see her from Monday to Saturday except when she returns home from work.
It is embarrassing to admit but having been where I am today, aside from being in 4 different relationships that never lasted longer than 2 months. Not that I am materialistic or expecting something but sometimes, a small gesture is enough to show you care about your partner but I have never received gifts, flowers, teddies, bla, bla, bla from any pursuers before.
Oh, I have something... at least Sam proposed to me even though it wasn't real but at least he made up for what both of us missed out on 9 years ago. Wait, wait... I did have this cute deco - a gift from Sam when we were 17.
Okay, at least not so pathetic.
Yeah, so... when I still looked like that, I thought to myself, "One day, I will meet someone who will not say I am fat and accept me the way I am and then, I'm gonna marry him and live happily ever after."
Oh, boy... what a simple mind I used to have!
Well... I did not meet any guy when I was still looking like that because guys around me were more interested in hotter, slimmer and sexier girls.
Hence, I've decided, I should have a new resolution... Ito lose weight.
When I have lost weight, I still cannot find Mr. Right, with passing time, I begin to blame God for my freaking pathetic life.
I told one of my BFFs about it that God has forgotten to include my ultimate wishlist of meeting and marrying the right guy when He created me. When I was still fat, I couldn't find the right guy and when I've lost weight, I still couldn't find him - I blamed God.
I am not as lucky as those girls out there who can splurge like crazy. When I say crazy, I mean spending few thousands a month just on shopping alone! Again, no luck with great careers because I am still stuck in university like now and yeah, thank you God, no luck in finding love.
Don't tell me not to blame God or anything because you are NOT me and you will never be me to understand what I've gone through to be where I am. Those who have it, they don't appreciate it, those who don't have it, no matter how much they want it, they'll never get it.
Stuffs like, "Your time will come and by the time it comes, he will be the BEST guy for you!"
Honestly... stuffs like that are CRAPS!
Good stuffs come to people who wait patiently? Have you ever heard of the Mandarin sarcasm that goes 慢慢等 or it can be directly translated into slow-slow wait? So, if you wanna wait, you go ahead and wait because time and tide wait for no man!
Anyway... I should stop complaining here because well... I have come to term with the state of my life at this point of time already.
#1 - you won't die without a boyfriend.
#2 - graduating is your priority.
#3 - traveling around the world is a must.
#4 - dolling yourself up is not for the sake of others.
#5 - landing yourself with your dream job is your main goal.
So, lonely? Fuck lonely, yeah!
I just have to find something to do... Lonely in UM library? You bet but... I am checking out the guys here!