Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Once and for all

My mood right now - agitated and angry.

This entry is not gonna anything related to make-up, beauty or health. I'm a typical human being just like you all and I do have my ups and downs in life. 

Initially, this trip back to my hometown was not intended to be so long. One of my main intentions was to meet Sam. I did not know whether or not I would be able to bump into him but I took a shot. Erm... Sam and I have a lifetime stories growing up seeing each other as well as watching each other transform while being where we are today.

Honestly, one of the reasons why I am staying single after my previous relationship is because of Sam. I wanted to give both of us a well-deserved chance because we the chance to be together 9 years ago. Yes, 9 years is such a long time that none of you could ever imagine. 

Another reason is that, Sam is attached to a girl already and I do not wish to become the reason he breaks up with the girlfriend. I want nature to takes it's course, so, all these times, I keep a low profile as possible if we were contacting each other. Sometimes, I think I am the dumb one because I know he is attached but I do have a little bit of feelings for him especially after knowing how he feels towards me as well. I am scared because I'm not someone who would go after an attached or married man.

Before I came back, I told Sam I would be visiting Kuching for a day or two and he was thrilled and promised he would be taking a few days off to accompany me. I was happy and felt appreciated because never in my life had a guy taking leaves to be there for me. 

I was happier a week ago when he suddenly came back for Raya holidays. He said it was sudden because he did not plan on coming back. When he sent me a SMS saying he was on his way to my place at 12am, my heart dropped. I couldn't believe what I read. He had just taken a 7-hour ride back from Kuching and all he thought was dropping by my place for a visit? How can a typical girl like me feel not appreciated, right?

We met up the next day and that was the first time he came into my house to greet my parents out of courtesy. I couldn't feel more than happy. Just before he left, I jokingly asked, "Hey, Sam... we have only seen each other for less than an hour. Is it enough? Do you wanna see me again before you leave tomorrow?"

He stared at me with those eyes that would melt any girl's heart and told me, "I want to see more of you but I can't stay longer because I need to go shopping with my mum and grandma. Do you wanna join us?"

I was like... oh, okay, he asked me to join his mum and grandma for some shopping spree. For a moment, my heart stopped beating but in the end, I declined because I wasn't as courageous as I thought I could be. At the same time, the thought of him, still attached to his girlfriend, made me feel bad, so... I did not go out with him.

Well, everything else seemed pretty insane because talking to Sam over the phone after he returned to Kuching was dreamy and all that but those moments did not last long until we had quite a mind-boggling argument regarding what we are going through. He sent me a SMS about a week after his trip back home, telling me that he had broken up with his girlfriend.

I did not even think he would be courageous enough to do so because all these times, the Sam that I knew was a little... you know, obedient. When his girlfriend started to cry or taunt, he would give in. Honestly, I don't like girls like that and I am certainly not a girl who would sit on the floor and cry like a baby.

Two years ago, Sam told me the same thing that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that he felt a heavy burden being lifted. At that time, I wasn't feeling anything because I thought I had nothing to do with his break up and that whatever he was doing, they were not my concern. So, it was only 3 days later, he called and told me that they got back together. I went like, "WTF?! I thought you are tired of this relationship?"

He admitted that he was indeed tired of a bossy girlfriend that ordered him around and expecting him to move over to KL, into her place, staying with her mother.

Let's face it. If you are a guy and your girlfriend demands, "You cannot go back to Sarawak because I want you to move to KL and stay with my mum. I am the only child, so you have to understand my situation. I have a mother to take care of and since you are my boyfriend, you have to move to KL because Sarawak is too ulu and I don't like it there."

Guys and girls, if you are a fellow Sarawakian and people put you down just like so, how would you feel?

I don't hate Sam's girlfriend but I merely dislike her attitude of looking down at Sarawak and it's people.

Then, I got to know the reason they got back together was because the girl threatened to commit suicide if Sam did not return to her and that if she dies, Sam would need to take care of her mother.

Talking about nonsense, that girl is rubbish!

If I were Sam, I would dump her for good - psychotic bitch!

This time around, when told me he had broken up with the girlfriend for the second time, I doubted that would really be for good or not. Stupid sister was telling me, "I can play a bet with you - 3 days! Within 3 days Sam will go back to her psychotic girlfriend."

I told stupid sister not to tell silly jokes and bet on stupid stuffs.

Night fell... it was a little over 12am, about 3 hours later, when I got another message from Sam - that was less than 3 days bet as being placed by stupid sister. It read something like this...

"She called back and cried. She wants to get back together."

At that point of time, I was a little angry. I was angry at Sam. I knew I was not in position to be angry but he shouldn't even told me about the whole break-up story if it wasn't decided.

What are all these nonsense about breaking up, threatening and getting back together? Just because she knows how to cry and make life-threatening stories so Sam should get back together with her?

I couldn't stop wondering too...

What is wrong with the psychotic bitch and also Sam? Am I a toy for Sam to just lift the burden his girlfriend put on him temporarily?

I shall quote from Princess Jasmine of Aladdin, "I am not a toy to be won!"

I replied his message like this...

"I don't know what in the world you're trying to do and I am not interested whether or not you are breaking up for good. It's your decision and I don't want to know anything."

His answer was...

"Why are you angry? I still haven't decide yet."

By that time, I was more furious...

"I don't like it when you are giving me false hopes. I thought you would be serious this time around especially about US. In fact, when you told me you've broken up and I am the first one to know, I was over the moon and now, you're disappointing me!"

Perhaps, he was trying to get away from more problems and said...

"I'm having headache - drank too much. I'm heading to bed."

My last message to him was...

"All I know is, I don't like indecisive guys and I don't plan to know what you wanna do! Good night!"

He did reply but with an unhappy emoticon.

Who cares?! I was already feeling so disappointed with him. Think of it, first time trying to break up, the girlfriend threatened him that she would commit suicide. Second time trying to break up, committing suicide again?! WTF?!

Friends around me have been telling me that if the psychotic bitch wanted to really end her life, she would have taken her life by now and not clinging on to Sam.

Whatever it is, I don't give a damn about what they're going through. It is not my problem anyway and I don't intend to get together with a guy who disappoints me over and over and over again.

As complicated as my love life would be, I think I deserve better than Sam. 

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