Can you lend me your shoulders?

I was crying pretty bad last night, hence it explains my sudden disappearance from blogosphere, MSN and also Facebook. Yeah, I pretty much wet my mattress and pillows, thus, I slept on the floor.

What a confession?!

But things aren't so bad, really.

I come to know there are people like me out there.

Turmoils and bad memories of past relationships do haunt, I mean, for God knows how long. I understand the feeling of being dumped, played, toyed and cheated on. I was in a worse situation than those mentioned above. It does take MORE than time to heal. I do believe him when he told me, "Time does heal the wound but the scar will be there forever."

True enough, the bad scarring that was left by the ex haunts me for 4 years already. I didn't dare to get into new relationships because I was terrified of guys. I was and am scared that when guys approach you, all that are in their minds are sex and cash. Due to all that, I stayed away from love, I didn't wanna find love and didn't want to do anything related to male-female stuffs.

Perhaps, those were just another cases of stupid cupids, I don't know.

4 years back, just half year before I got to know him, I was in a tormented relationship with this asshole and it left me NOT wanting to ever, ever get into any relationships ever again! I told myself, there isn't any guy that's worth waiting or crying for, therefore, I shouldn't have my youth wasted on any guy.

When I first met him, honestly, there were no sparkles or anything but it overall, I had a good impression on him. If I were given the chance, I would like to get to know him better but I guess chances weren't there. The timing was off - I was scared to even be friend with the person of opposite gender.

*hits self*

*langgar dinding*

*bites self*

*pinches self*

When he told me how scared or terrified he is to be in another new relationship due to the bitter memories of the past, imagine what kinda situation I was in. I wished I could be strong enough to tell him that he's gotta walk out of the shadow or else it'd haunt him forever. It happened to me.

It took not only courage to do so - really.

It took like years of my youth time, effort and also supports and loves from everyone around me!

It shook me real hard that no matter how hard I wished I could be in a serious relationship, because of all the tremors, I just couldn't force myself into one - I even lied to my pursuers that I was attached and that I would be getting married soon so that they'd just stay away from me.

So, that was how scared I was...

I guess after today, I'm REALLY positive that life is NEVER about relationships for me. It'll never be. Maybe what I have had in my premonition is true after all.

My life will FOREVER revolves around studies, work and also few close friends.

Perhaps, it's time for me to come to the realization that my life will be in such a way that it'll never change for as long as I live.

Hence, I promise myself...

I will not dwell in what had happened, instead I will move on with courage.
I will not go and search around for what that is not meant for me.
I will not be bothered with relationships any longer.

Instead...

I will put more effort into making life a better place for myself.
I will learn to love myself more.
I will be counting my blessings everyday.

Probably with passing time, I'll be able to embrace what my life is and just carry on living without worries.

I WILL BE BETTER, I PROMISE!