It's NOT what it seems

To some people out there, I may seem like I have a perfect life.

A perfect life without having to worry about family and friends,
A perfect life without having to worry about financial burdens,
A perfect life without having to worry about weight,
A perfect life without having to worry about work,
A perfect life that everyone wants...

This is not the life I want, if I could choose.

Over the past few months, I have encountered countless heartbreaks and all these heartbreaks are the result of the doings of people whom I used to think are family and friends.

I was always thought by my parents to be understanding especially to your own family members. Plus, I have always thought I wanted to be the perfect sister. When my siblings reached out for help, no matter how difficult things may seem, I would try to offer a helping hand because I believed in one good deed earns another.

In the beginning of the year, a lot of things happened between my siblings and I but I tried to positive to the point when it became a bit too hard. After months of struggling, when I thought I could almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, things turned back and worse of the worst, my own sibling turned the back on me and chose to leave for the interest of the heart, leaving me behind to pick up all the wrongdoings that was left behind by the departure.

At the time, I was left broken, thinking how can family members be so selfish and inconsiderate?

I told myself that I had to pick myself up and start anew.

There were and are times when my little heart tells me to forgive and forget but I find that forgiving is one of the toughest thing to do. Whenever I am alone, the memory of how I was left heartbroken haunts me.

I wish forgiving and forgetting are easy but they're not.

Few days ago, I had a great argument with my fiance due to wedding planning.

I hate the fact that he is always occupied because his eyes are forever and ever fixed to the phone.

Most of the times, I don't really care if he's playing his mobile game or surfing the Internet with his smartphone but when I am trying to discuss important matter with him, that's when I expect him to put down his phone and get engaged in the discussion.

8 out of 10 times, his eyes would still be glued to the screen of the phone while he would just answer for the sake of answering (not meaning what he says).

He rarely listens when I want to discuss about something. Most of the times, he would ask again after his game sessions are over. By that time, I would be frantic - very frantic.

 All of a sudden, I don't feel like getting married any longer.

I just want to grow alone and die.