Thursday, March 31, 2016

Confidence in finding love

I'm going to blog about something that is very close to my heart - dating.

To some of you, dating may be effortless and easily done but for me, I've gone through waves and waves of tears, disappointments and heartbreaks to be able to stand where I am today and tell the world and everyone out there, "I've pulled through and I am still alive!"

Growing up in a very conservative family, we didn't talk much about love, relationship and sex. I never knew the feeling of being "in love" or even being somebody else's girlfriend. I could never understand the mentality or guys pursuing girls or the other way around. 

You can or more less put the blame on my weight for being ignorant because all I knew back then wasn't about love, relationship, boyfriend or girlfriend - it was about the love for food.

Staying with my grandparents made food even more accessible. My grandparents would feed me to the point my stomach would explode from being too full. I basically ate everything I could set my hands on. Life was wonderful. My life was filled with the love for all the food I could stuff in my mouth. For me, the feeling of full from eating was pure love. I had a perfect relationship with food.

There wasn't even once, I thought about finding a person to be in relationship with. I had the mentality that the right person will just "appear" when the time comes.

I was wrong.

When my weight ballooned up to 93kg, I was devastated. I was being bullied and picked on by other students in my high school. Other than being one of the weakest students in my class, I was the fattest. I wasn't even gentle and ladylike, just like another friend of mine who was about the same weight as I was. Some of the teachers disliked me, I knew my weight was one of the reasons why they disliked me. 

It was until when I was 15 years old, I felt the urge of needing to lose weight because all the friends around me were either slim or skinny. Things got worse when I finally felt it - butterflies in my stomach. Cupid stroke at the time you least expected. The feeling was indescribable. I felt it every time I met Eric*.

*name has been changed to avoid issues and misunderstandings.

I felt the need to lose weight because I wanted Eric to feel the same way I did. I wanted to attract Eric's attention and I wanted him to notice me. My urge to lose weight wasn't strong enough. I began piling on more weight when Eric's friends made fun of him, saying that, "Hey, Eric, you've got a fat girl waiting for you outside the classroom!"

I could pretty much understood the embarrassment Eric had to go through every single day if I were anywhere close to him. True enough you shouldn't be affected by what others say about you but sometimes, you can't help but these talks actually kill you from the inside. 

There goes your self-confidence and self-love.

I began hating myself and thinking of ways to hurt myself because I knew nobody would like to even be friend with a fat girl. I remember how envious I was towards my friends when they actually had guys pursuing them. I hated myself. I hated my life. I hate everything and everyone around me.

Once, when a guy started to approach me, I thought, "This is it! He's pursuing me!"

I was wrong. He was merely using me to get to my best friend. I was hurt from deep within. I stopped wishing or praying for a guy to pursue me because I knew no guy wants to me with a fat girl especially if you're in a typical Asian country.

My self-confidence dropped to a level where I totally turned to food. The urge to lose weight because I wanted to impress Eric, failed. 

It wasn't until I got to know Ninja* at the age of 17. He was exactly the guy whom I wanted to be with - tall, fit, handsome and most importantly of all, he's a Catholic. I was a little obsessed about him that I started to daydream about marrying this "perfect" guy. I knew I was the one who was carrying the torch for Ninja but there wasn't much I could do when I clearly knew that a perfect guy like him would be asking for a perfect girlfriend. I knew I wasn't the one but still, I persevere because I thought God would create miracle.

At that time, I was around 88kg.

I was having the mentality that Ninja would be "the one" because he was the one who advised me so much on having to love myself the way I am. I thought to myself, "He is the one! At last there is a guy who doesn't mind a having a bigger girlfriend."

I was wrong - very, very wrong!

Reality finally hit me - I got to know Ninja was into another girl who was so much prettier and slimmer and perhaps smarter than me, my heart broke. I wasn't able to accept the fact that I failed for once again.

It made my self-confidence dropped below negative. I was miserable. I felt like dying. I didn't want to live anymore. I cried myself to sleep for the next two months and knew if I didn't do anything about my weight, I would be miserable the rest of my life and that nobody would accept me the way I was. 

Thus, I embarked on a journey to find myself and to learn to love again but this time around, I knew I had to learn to love myself.

It took me years and years to be where I am today because throughout the years, trying to look for Mr. Right, I had met a series of assholes and players. There was a point of life where I thought I could change a person but believe me, I've learn it the hard way - nobody can change anyone unless he or she wants to change for better.

Few friends of mine made quite sarcastic comment that I didn't pray hard enough, that's why God doesn't lead Mr. Right to me. That was one of the remarks that I hated most. You are not me, how do you know I didn't pray hard enough? Sometimes, I wish God would just speak to me. I wish He could tell me what wrongs did I do to deserve all those sarcasms from people around me. All those unkind remarks had make me steered away from topics about dating, relationship and love.

Then, I began channeling energy to a different thing - weight loss.

I knew very well that my weight was one of the barriers that set love away because majority guys are looking at slimmer girls. Being born an Asian, even if you are slightly meaty, people would address you as fat. If you are fat, people would always associate you with lazy. When you are lazy, you basically will never have a good life.

I wanted to change that. I didn't want to be associated with fat, ugly or lazy. I knew I wanted to feel loved and to be confident of myself again. It took me 10 whole years to realize what I have always wanted and to be where I am today. I worked hard to shed 40kg off and even up to this very day, I am still trying hard to lose more weight.

I have to admit. My confidence increases with more weight that I have lost. All of a sudden, I found guys started to flock around me - not a lot of them but there were few. However, still, I couldn't seem to find Mr. Right. I was devastated that I finally gave up looking. I left my hometown for good because I didn't want to be reminded of a failure I was. I started caring less and less of the materialistic things around me and learning to accept myself the way I am.

Little did I know, when I finally learned to love myself and stop being too hard on myself, Mr. Right actually tagged along. To my surprise, he has been always around me but I was too busy pursuing somebody else whom is not my destiny. I couldn't deny the fact that I was stupid enough for ignoring the fact that he was there all these times. When we finally made it official, it suddenly struck me, when you start to love yourself and careless about other things, you will start to feel happy and confident about yourself. When you are happy and confident about yourself, Mr. Right will tag along.

So, now, if you want to know, I am still not any better than I was in the past but at least, Mr. Right has taught me so many things in life and one of it is to ignore all the negative people and vibes around me and to focus on being happy with what I have.

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