Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Beating hearts

I guess at this time of the year, I am so feeling it that I really would love to seek opinions and thoughts from whosoever reading this entry now. I am emotionally frustrated and I don't know what I should or should not do.

Sometimes, when I see loving couples, I awe at their love. I do understand that they have been through ups and downs. I awe at their persistence to make their relationships work. It is then, I will start thinking, "Dear Ryan, are you going to fight for us?"

I thank God for creating a chance for us to know each other.

I thank God for bringing him into my life at the time I thought I have no one to turn to. 

I could not ask for more because for me, having him in my life is just like a surreal dream that I never thought could happen.

He may not be the perfect boyfriend who sends me roses everyday.

He may not be the perfect boyfriend who could be with me 24 hours, 7 days a week.

He may not be the perfect boyfriend who knows how to sweep me off my feet.

He may not be the perfect boyfriend who is romantic.

Yes, he may not be the perfect boyfriend any girl would ask for but to me, his is still precious.

I don't need him to send me roses everyday.

I don't need him to be with me 24 hours, 7 days a week.

I don't need him to sweep me off my feet.

I don't need him to be romantic.

All I ask is for him to find time for us and also for him to be more sensitive and caring.

After walking this path for exactly 2 months, I have finally decided to let go - I am tired... I really am very, very tired.

Some friends asked me, "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Honestly, this is NOT what I want. If I could choose, I don't want to let him go, I don't want to be away from him but what can I do if he doesn't make an effort to keep this relationship?

Someone who wants to be a part of your life, will make an effort to BE in it. Don't reserve space in your heart for anyone who doesn't make that effort.

I get that advice from people around me all the times. If you were to ask me now, I'm not sure if he wants to be in my life. 

For every decision that I have done, the first person I've thought of was him - how would he feel, what would he do and would it affect him?

All that I have wanted was just to see his smiles.

As days passed by, somehow, I realized something... most of the times, even though we are in a relationship, I feel very much alone. When I was sick, he wasn't around. When I needed him around, he would be busy.

There is nothing like too busy for your partner or too tired for your partner in a mutual relationship.

I am not trying to be bitchy and dominant but I do understand sometimes, your partner needs time out too. I never requested for him to travel all the way from Kajang to KL everyday. All I have wanted ever since the beginning of the courtship was for him to care about me.

When I say care, it does not mean he has to be physically there. Sometimes, even the shortest phone call like, "How are you doing today? Is everything good?" or "Have you eaten?" would make my day. Even if it is impossible for phone call, the simplest SMS like "I miss you" or "Are you tired?" would make me smile. At the very least, I know I am on his mind.

Frustrated over the things that took place, I asked him twice if we should break up over the duration of 2 months being together. He did not want to and promised he'd try to find more time for us as well as not making empty promises. He knows I never like empty promises - if you cannot fulfill your promises, don't make promises.

After that, I keep on telling myself, he's just being mischievous... it'll be better soon...

Every time telling myself that, the situation gets worse...

I thought hard over it... for the past four days, even though he was on leave, he did not even spend one hour with me. I thought to myself, "It doesn't matter since I am working and I don't have time to spare too." There wasn't even one MERRY CHRISTMAS from him if I didn't wish him first.

On the day after his leave was over, he SMS-ed and told me he was sick that he couldn't make it for dinner that night. I lost my mind at that time. I cried in front of Patrick when I read the SMS. It has been like so for several times.

I don't want to be the 'understanding' girlfriend. Call me selfish but there are times when I need him to be around too.

He was not like that when we first got together... Maybe I shouldn't hold on any longer...

I am tired - tired of a life where I have to be one planning our dates and also asking him to do this and that. I am really tired that I wish he'd be able to read my mind.

God, please help me...

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