Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A deed for a deed

I wasn't feeling very motivated on a Monday morning earlier. Something have been bothering me. Yes, I know, I've been missing my aunt who went back to Sydney yesterday and apart from that, I have other worries.

Few weeks back, dad came over for a visit and yeah, just like any typical parents, he was reminding me, "I am gonna be 70 soon and you know what you ought to be doing at this age. You're near to 30 and yet, you're still bumming around like a kid?"

I told him, "Relax, dad, there's nothing to worry about."

Well, I was honestly trying to hide my fears. Yes, I knew what he meant but what can I do?

Prior to his visit to KL, another week ago, mum called and told me the same thing, "You've to think of your future - stop being in and out of relationships."

I mean, yeah, I don't want to be in and out of relationships too but it doesn't help if I keep on bumping into Mr. Wrongs.

If you're thinking about telling me stuffs like, "You've to be optimistic, you'll meet the right person one day," well, halt and just scram! You are NOT me and you'll never know what I've been through to be where I am today. If you think that 'one day' will come, tell me, when will that 'one day' comes? If you're thinking that 'wait patiently,' then, tell me, how long do I need to 'wait patiently' for him to come? If you're thinking to ask me to 'pray hard,' how would you know I don't 'pray hard' for him to come by?

So, please stop assuming if you don't know.

It hurts to be myself when I have to pretend I am strong in front of my parents. Yes, I know how much they want to see us walking down the aisle with our other halves, especially my dad. Every time when I see him, it hurts to see him age and at his age, none of us could give him a grandchild.

It's not that I don't want to move on but I really can't get over Wei Sheng. It is just like, for every little thing that I do, it'll remind me of him. I admit, I have a thing for doctors but I did not know he is a doctor when he first started out.

The moment when I saw him holding hands with another girl, the first person I called and broke this news to was to mum. I couldn't utter any word but cried. I knew, once again, all that I hoped for in this relationship would be over!

Seriously, I am scared.

I am scared I will stop trusting guys.

Now, don't tell me, Mr. Right will come again because I certainly don't want to hear that from any of you. I don't think I wanna hear something like, "If you don't want to hear us saying Mr. Right will come soon, then, we'll tell you, Mr. Right will never come."

I'll appreciate it if you just read and forget.

Sighs... sometimes, I wonder, what have I done wrong to deserve meeting all these jerks that toyed and broke my heart.

Stupid sister told me, "It must be karma and you're getting it now!"

I toyed with no one before, I did not break anyone's heart and yeah, so... tell me, what the hell is going wrong with my life?

As much as I am being pressurized into thinking about this issue, I still can't get over my thesis at the same time.

My life is horrible.

I was complaining to Andrew about how my life sucks and how scared I am because my thesis deadline is drawing near and I basically have not done the editing part. All he could do was to tell me he'd be there if I need a hug but in reality, I need support and motivation which, I guess... at the time being, nobody could give it to me except for my parents.

My parents are the most wonderful parents anyone could wish for but sometimes, you know... well... I feel useless. I mean, they deserve a better daughter, someone better than me but... God sent me to them.

Guess my future is kinda uncertain now...

Let's hope I can feel good again in a day or two... please give me more support and motivation, dearest people!

I just wanna get a hold of my life!

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