You know how it is when you fell so hard for the first time and all along, your siblings were there to catch you so that you would not even be hurt even if you fell from the highest spot on Earth?
People used to wow when they saw the three of us, as in my elder brother, my younger sister and I, went out together for a day or night out. Between my brother and sister, I would honestly say, I used to be really close to my brother although we did argue and quarrel over the pettiest stuff you could never imagine!
Yes, over who would be the first to use the bathroom the moment we stepped into house from school, over who would have the last piece of fried chicken on the dining table, over the issue of watching Barbie instead of Sailormoon, over who won a fight and over a lot of things none of you could ever imagine!
Well, mum and dad got irritated of us and after quite some time, they totally just let us be. I remember the moment my brother left for USM to further his studies. When I was sending him off at the airport, I felt heavy-hearted - I knew there'd be less chance for us to argue because going to university means that you're ready to step into adulthood. I wish I could stuff myself into his luggage and flew to Penang with him but of course, that wasn't meant to be.
Even so, whenever every year's semester break came, I looked forward to it because my brother would always bring back some treats for me and stupid sister.
Three years later, it was my turn to go to university. Even though I didn't end up in USM with him, I did visit him at Penang occasionally. I remember, once I was down with food-poisoning after dinner, my good ol' brother went out and searched high and low for medication in the middle of the night because I was groaning in pain. There was even a time when I was so, so sick that he had to rush from Penang to KL just because I wanted him too! See... my brother spoilt me way too much!
Every time when people around me asked about my brother, I wouldn't be hesitant to tell them how wonderful he was just because not all elder brother could make sacrifices like how my brother could.
I have to admit that I am not someone with the best temper. It does seem difficult to make me angry but when I am angry, I tend to burst it out, all at one go. I am the kind of person who will keep all the petty stuffs to myself in the first place and through time, all these angers multiply. Unfortunately for both my brother and I, both of us possess similar trait and because of this trait of ours, we ended up with quarrels after quarrels but for always, he would be the one to come to me with all the nice words and some times, even presents so that I won't be angry at him for long.
I guess those were the days we all of us were still close to each other but through time, even though I hate to admit it but people change. This little fact applies to each and everyone of us, including my brother and I.
Our lives changed the moment my brother moved to KL and I moved in with him. Well, all fairy tales end and thereafter, come realistic and materialistic tales but never would I have guessed that in my life, I am not that person who falls from the highest spot on Earth by accident but I was being pushed to hell by my own blood-related brother!
All the angers that have piled up over the years finally burst because I really can no longer tolerate him. Okay, I may not be a perfect sister and I've never said I will be one but that doesn't give him the right to step on me just because he started earning for life already and I am still stuck with doing my thesis.
He might not have seen it when he labeled me as, lazy bum, but when I was working hard, did he see how much pain I've to go through? Did he ever has to feel the hardship of having to study and taking up 5 different jobs at one time? Did he ever has to work until 10pm and after which it was time to go home, you still needed to do your assignments until wee hour of dawn and sometimes, ending up not getting any sleep but traveling straight to workplace or university? Did he ever has to experience the feeling of having to bow down to your other siblings just because you need his help?
NO, HE HAS NEVER FELT ALL THE PAIN THAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH TO HAVE BROUGHT ME TO THIS WHERE I AM TODAY AND HE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS TO BE LOOKED DOWN BY YOUR OWN SIBLING JUST BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THE WORLD ONLY REVOLVES AROUND HIM!
I've never known my existence in the house has made him feel suffocated. I've never known I've made him felt threatened. I've never known that at the back of his mind, he's been scheming a plan so that both stupid sister and I would be moving out of our current place without having him to raise the issue.
Right... the reason that he has changed?
Initially, I thought it could be due to his stress at workplace but ever since April 2010, my brother has completely changed to someone that I have never expected him to be. When I first started taking up the job as part time lecturer at one of the local colleges in Kelana Jaya some time around May 2009, it was due to HIS PRESSURE that I did it because he promised I don't need to worry about not having transportation as he would be lending his car to me.
After a year or so, he told me, "From now on, you've to decide how you'll be traveling to Kelana Jaya from here because I will not be lending my car to you any longer since I need it for my own."
Suddenly, I was at a loss of words. It was like, all the times, I would drive to the college and suddenly, he was asking to dress up formally, carried my laptop and all the documentations and walk to the college? Hey, I wasn't a permanent staff at the college, hence, how the heck was I entitled for a free seat in the office? If I did not carry all the stuffs to and fro, where the heck should I store it since there wasn't even a tiny space in the staff room that was meant for us, the part-timers? I wasn't teaching only one students, okay? I have several classes to attend to and one student if they were to submit one assignment, by the time the number count stopped at 30, I would be dead from carrying their assignments back home!
Did he ever think on my behalf when he said that to me? Instead, what he said was, "That's your problem and I don't have the time to think for you. Further more, the car is mine, hence, if I need it, I have the priority!"
Imagine how I felt when he threw those words to me. Yes, he felt nothing but I felt something. In order to stand up for myself, I asked him, "Do you still remember the promise that you've made 2 years ago? You've said no matter what if I move in with you, you'll make sure I can travel to places I need and want to go with your car but now, you're backing out at your own promise? How am I going to travel out of my university especially if I have night classes?"
His answer was, "How would I know how you'd travel? That promise only valid 2 years ago and now it is not valid any longer."
For your information, my classes usually ended around 9pm and without your own transport, it was almost impossible for you to travel out in the darkness of the night. Walking to the nearest exit would take around 20 minutes or so!
Well, that is my brother for you.
It's like immediately, my heart sunk to the bottom of my feet when my own blood-related brother said those things to me. When I talked to mum about the issue, I just wanted mum to listen but little did I expect mum made it worse by calling and scolding him. I guess this raised his anger that he jumped to the conclusion that I was the culprit that did all the tell-tale to mum. He shouted at me so loud that his voice really shattered my heart into pieces! At that time, it was beginning of April 2010.
Hence, after that, my attitude towards him changed 360 degrees. Since he did not even try to talk things out with me and that was his choice, I obliged - what else was there to be discussed?
I stopped talking to him from then on until October 2010. In that duration of 6 months, so many things happened. I did not even try to borrow his car from him because I just wanna made it the way that he wanted it to be, "The car is mine, hence, when I need it, I've the priority!" Well, he wanted it that way, so why should I borrow the car from him? It was only sometimes that stupid sister needed the car, hence, she would go and pestered him for it like... twice every week.
In between, I did realize he tried to make up but I did not feel the need to because honestly, he made it so obvious that I was depending on him and his income when in reality, I did not. I earned on my own and he did not even realize it!!! Instead, whenever he called mum or dad, he would be backstabbing me in a way that he would tell the parents that stupid sister and I never helped him with housework and that we were lazy.
Okay, now how true could that be? I don't wish to comment but if he did think we were lazy, he should be thinking back - it was him who was lazy or were it us? So, the dried clothes on the hangers could fold themselves and the floor could sweep and mop themselves? Could it have been magic that the dirty dishes in the kitchen could clear themselves too?
Mum and dad even made it to the point to call stupid sister and me and scolded us for never helping around with the household chores. Ouch... that wasn't the reality but nevertheless, it wasn't important. I was disappointed, hence I just wished not to even discuss that issue with him. He could say whatever he wanted to and I didn't care.
I went back home to my parents on 21st of October 2010 and I did not even get him to send me to the airport because I just didn't feel the need to even talk to him since he did not even respect me as a sister. It was only on the 20th of December 2010, I returned to KL. I had yet to talk to him because I didn't feel the need to do so.
It was only until I wanted to help Jeremy that I finally had to talk to him. Why? Jeremy is the next best friend I have after Vince. So, I finally talked to him again after 8 months but I noticed something different about him - he was reluctant to talk to me and kinda ignored me even when I tried to ask him something.
So, I guessed it could be probably he was still mad at the fact that I did not give him a chance to explain what went wrong in April 2010, hence, I just let it be. I did not want to create more troubles. I tried to reconcile our brother-sister relationship by trying to be nicer, not because I was at wrong but it was because I thought we could still be like how we used to be in the good ol' days. Another reason was that I do understand the fact that sometimes, I needed transportation, so, I did not want to anger him.
Little did I expect, all the things I had done were fruitless and useless. Thing just got worse and I started to notice the obvious difference.
Whenever he went out, he would no longer ask stupid sister and I out together.
Whenever he bought something back for a meal, our shares were no longer there even though he did buy a share for his roomie.
Whenever he cooked something, it would normally meant for him and his roomie.
Whenever stupid sister and I tried to talk to him, most of the times, he would never even look at us in the eyes.
Whenever we wanted to ask for his advices and opinions, he would just pretend to ignore us.
Whenever we wanted to discuss something, the first phrase that would come out of his mouth would be, "Don't expect me to lend you my car, I will not do that!"
Okay, put yourself in my situation. If you were trying to talk to your siblings and he or she is physically there but ignoring you, would you be patient enough to just sit there and wait for him or her to respond? If this situation happens for once, perhaps, I could still tolerate but it happened several times already, in which, every time when I talked to him, he would act as if he didn't care.
Perhaps, he already hates me and stupid sister so much that he has decided to ignore us like totally. We did not know what the heck happened until 2 nights ago, we had the biggest argument in our whole life in which, EVERY LITTLE THING THAT HE HAS SAID HAS COMPLETELY PUT HIMSELF TO SHAME AND BROKE OUR HEARTS INTO PIECES THAT NO GLUE IN THIS WORLD COULD BRING BACK THE BROKEN PIECES!
So, all these times, stupid sister and I have been guessing hard what prompted him to change so much, all our guesses have been wrong!
Can you imagine how I felt when your own blood-related brother blamed you because he did not get a promotion? He shouted at me that it was because I borrowed his car so often last semester that he could not work in night shift and it made him did not get the promotion, thus I was the one to be blamed and I deserved to be treated so coldly because I was the reason that he failed to be promoted?
OMG... so all the times, the reason behind why he has been treating us like invisible is that I am the sole reason that he did not get the promotion he was supposed to get last year?
Okay, sounds great but has it ever cross his mind that he didn't get the promotion because of other issues? How can he be so sure I borrowed his car then? Why don't he just go and blame it on stupid sister or other people? So, all these while, he has been targeting me just because he thought I'm easily bullied?
Lemme tell you, I am not weak nor do I need to depend on you! I swear, one of these days, I'm going to make it big in this world and if the time comes, you can be sure, I won't even be addressing you as 'elder brother' any longer. I don't think I need a brother that is very demotivating, rude, disrespectful towards the younger siblings and think so highly of himself. Lemme repeat, no, I don't need a brother like that.
Readers, whosoever you are, do you know how it feels when your own blood-related brother refuses to stand up on your behalf when his friends humiliate you? Have you ever feel that before?
For once, I have and yes, thanks to my brother I've come across that experience - an experience that I will NEVER EVER forget this lifetime - the experience of being humiliated with him being on spot and did nothing. Obviously, it could be seen his friend was on in side when he kept on saying I was the one being disrespectful that a younger sibling shouldn't even raise his or her voice at the older sibling.
Listen, there is NO rules and regulation that younger siblings should never raise their voices and there is rules and regulation that an outsider like his friend doesn't have the rights to even open his mouth when we are in the mid of argument because his friend, has no blood-relation to the family! His friend is in NO position to even give comments such as, "I don't think your brother is at fault, you are at fault because if I'm in your brother's shoes, I'd hate it if my younger sister raises her voice at me."
Don't expect everyone to be like you. When I don't talk back, it doesn't mean I agree with you. When I don't reply, it doesn't mean you're right. When I keep quiet, it doesn't mean you've to rights to step on me.
When I am already talking back, I've already reached my utmost limit because all these times, I've been trying to control my temper no matter how my brother treats me or what he has said. Even if sometimes, I do feel like he shouldn't talk to us in a certain way, still, just because I need to travel around using his car, it doesn't give him the reason to look down on us!
Yes, can you believe that? His friend even told me that even if he is my brother, I cannot be dependent on him because I have to learn to be independent.
When I am asking for advices or suggestions, does it mean I'm not independent?
When I am asking for my brother to do something for me especially when I am busy, does it mean I am not independent?
When I wanna borrow his car to do something, does it mean I am not independent?
Even if I am not independent, his friend doesn't have the rights to even comment because the person I am dependent on is my own blood-brother and not the friend!!! He has no one to turn to but it doesn't mean I should be like him, having no one to turn to when I know I do have an elder brother around.
I daresay comparing myself to my brother, I am much more independent than him. I went through more traumas in life comparing to him.
I'm through a brother-sister relationship like that - I've completely come to the term that what that we've shared over the years from our childhood to adulthood, has completely be murdered by him. There will no return for every word that has been spitted out of his mouth, even the strongest superglue available is not able to glue back the shattered glasses.
Nevertheless, I'm glad I still have a sister to depend on.
From today onwards, there will only be two siblings - stupid sister and I.