Sometimes, I find myself standing in the middle of a crossroad, deciding which route I should be taking. One of the routes happens to be the typical route that everyone takes and life is pretty predictable while the other route promises all kinda crazily promising future but in order to reach for your dreams, there are certain things you'd need to give up.
So, there I am, wondering if I should opt for a life that was pre-planned or doing something extraordinary.
More than often, I'm torn in between what is the truth and false are when deciding on what to do. I have to admit, sometimes, I am pretty indecisive and due to that, a lot of misunderstands come about. As a result, I disappoint people around me when I am trying to be myself.
I do realize there are times when I try to be honest, there are people who can't accept that I'm being too straight-forward in telling them how I feel towards certain things.
So, what is the nonsense about honesty or being myself when others don't seem to be able to accept the person who is standing right in front of them?
This especially applies when you've finally gathered enough courage to let the other person know how much you care about him or her but somehow or rather, he or she starts to avoid you after knowing the truth. Does it mean all these times, you are pretending to care about me even if you did tell me how much you care about me before?
It does strike me how much I am affected on this very day, 17th of May, when today is your birthday. I've been feeling really bad throughout the day and wishing all these never happened. I wish I could turn back the time to the very moment when we have not known each other.
Perhaps, if our paths did not intervene, all the heartbreaks would never happen. I could still be the carefree and happy me while you can still be your happy-go-lucky accountant. Perhaps if we did not come across each other, our lives would be better.
It really does hurt so much having to lose someone whom you thought he or she would care as what he or she promised but somehow or rather, it ended up all those they've promised you are just empty promises that were meant to keep you happy.
What are words when you don't mean them when you've said them?
I've always thought you are somehow different from all the jerks that I've met before because you've given me courage to live on everyday with smiles from the moment I've known you.
Those words still linger within me now, waiting to be freed because, I don't think I'll be needing any of those promises that you've never meant to keep. Perhaps, those promises are meant for another girl who has forever been there for you to keep you strong but I am not that person.
Do you realize how much I wish you could at least be honest with me regarding how you've felt but I guess I will never know the answer this lifetime. Even though I do know truth hurts but I'd rather you choose to be honest with me.
Do you know how much I anticipated for your replies every other day and how I wished you were the person I see every morning when I wake up?
You've promised you'd stay but in the end, you left.
You've promised you'd never be far away but in the end, you walked further away.
You've promised you'd always be there if I need you to but in the end, you weren't there when I really need you to.
You've promised a thousand promises but in the end, all those promises never came true.
You left me with nothing but a broken heart and a failed friendship.
Walking away isn't the easiest thing but since you and I were not meant to be, there is no point to drag on. It pains me even though I know you don't feel a thing. If you do feel something, perhaps, you should have approached me and talked to me about it but you did not.
You've chosen to walked out of my life the second time and this time around, keeping me OFF forever.
Where is the honesty that you've told me about?
Where is the non-judgmental trait that you've told me about?
Where is the 'I-am-not-gonna-hide' personality you've told me about?
You left me with nothing but a broken and disappointed heart, knowing that I've chosen to trust you when in reality, I should not.
Maybe it is my fault - I shouldn't have entered your life, I shouldn't have contacted you, I shouldn't have been expecting more than what you were able to give, I shouldn't have felt anything back then...
I was too naive and perhaps, stupid and idiotic as well.
Now that I've gotten my heart broken and once again, my faith towards L-O-V-E was ruined, I will just walk away silently. Sometimes, silence is gold and ignorance is bliss. Perhaps, that could be the reason why you've chosen to ignore instead of facing the reality which could hurt both of us.
So, this will be the very last last entry in which I will ever mention about you, Vern. This will also be the last ever entry that I will rant about how much you've meant to me and how scared I was at the thought of losing you and eventually, I've lost you. This will also be the first and last birthday wish from me to you.
Happy birthday, Vern and may your wishes come true. Stay happy, cheerful and healthy. I'm sure all the years ahead of you will be blessed with happiness and blissfulness.
Perhaps when one of these days when you've bumped into Miss Right, treat her right, appreciate her and stay honest with her. Please do not ignore her if anything crops up. I'm sure she'll know how to appreciate you more than I did.
With this... it means goodbye...
Goodbye to the existing friendship we've built, goodbye to the the trust we've given each other, goodbye to all the memories we've shared and goodbye to every single thing we've known about each other.
Once again, happy birthday, dearest Vern, good luck in your undertakings and finding Miss Right.
I'm sure you'll be having a blast!
Gosh... I am tearing while doing this entry... Well... sometimes, we just have to give and take even in friendships.
Hence, for the friendship between Vern and I, it ended - although it isn't my will but I do realize something - sometimes I just have to be my own hero in my life.