The past few days have really been terrible. I've been crying and crying and crying because yes, honestly I've met countless disappointments and failures that dad was so worried that I might just commit suicide anytime. He basically called every 2 hours just to make sure I picked up his call and said, "Hi, dad, I'm okay, I'm good."
Then, he'd hung up.
That's how cute dad is. Guess I've like half of his genes. Hahaha.
Life is as always, not a bed of roses but life is always better at the other end of the rainbow, hence, I promise myself, I will NOT look at what has happened pessimistically. I shall be optimistic about it - yes, everything happens for a reason and sometimes, we don't even need to know why certain things happen.
The important thing is that, just have faith in yourself and God.
If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
As much as I was looking forward to a great future with him, I guess it takes two to tango. Perhaps I was being too naive, perhaps I was being too silly and perhaps I was being too sucky at this kinda game. Probably, it could be combination of all perhaps-es.
Hence, once and for all, I've told myself, "Angel, you need to brace up and be strong! You're living for yourself and there isn't anyone that's worth crying for because you only live once, so, you've gotta live a life so meaningful that when you look back some day later, you'll tell yourself, 'I have no regrets coming so far in life.' Please, please don't make yourself go through torments and pain."
I will pull through as how I pulled through my painful childhood memories. The pulling-through phase wasn't easy but honestly, I am glad that I've tried and made it through with success! Okay, end of story about childhood memory, I don't wish to go on.
I woke up this morning, feeling very, very numb. I must have sat on my bed, staring at the wall for like a good half an hour or so. I remember, I was feeling stupid, honestly. I was asking myself, "Gosh, Angel, what the heck are you thinking, just wake up and go shower already!" when bestie SMS-ed me asking, "Angel, are you okay? Talk to me!" It took me half an hour to reply her SMS and she got a little nervous that she called to check
But, why was I daydreaming?
Geez... I can't even recall anything - short term memory loss. I get my fair share of being emotional, okay? Remember the ageing process? LOLX! Blame it on the hormones!
Okay, let's skip that topic for now, okies?
I went out for a be-early birthday celebration with few of my close friends at Kuchai Lama today. Pictures later, not now or maybe not forever. Hahahaha... Too ugly to be shared. So, I was talking to bestie and all of a sudden, she went, "Hey... are you actually okay? You don't even look okay to me!"
I was puzzled and asked her, "Why would I not be okay? I'm good, still alive and kicking!"
"You're not having a fever after a month of being sick, right?"
No, of course I am not sick. She was just worried why I didn't look worried, tensed or anything.
"Hey, you should still be angry, right? You're hiding it from all of us, right? Angel, if you feel like crying, you really should cry it out loud once and for all. After that, life goes on no matter how tough it is."
My answer was, "I don't know why but I don't feel the existence of anger or hatred towards him. Maybe it's just me or maybe I've already cried my heart out that I have no more tears left. I don't think I should go on being angry because I'm nobody. We're just another passerby in each others' lives, hence there's nothing to be angry about."
Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I am not feeling angry at all, not a bit.
She asked further, "Are you guys still friends?"
"Though it may not be the same for us any longer, if he appreciates the friendship I offer, he'll come back to me and we'll still be bestest of friends because he's been a great friend. If he just walks out of my life after what had happened, then, he doesn't worth the friendship I'm offering. As much as I hope he'll come back as a friend, let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?"
She stared at me blankly and said, "Err... too complicated."
No, it's actually NOT so complicated.
I'm just like any typical human being out there. At times, I do have mixed emotions, hence, I grumble about it. But sometimes, some of the things are not for me to grumble about because I'm in no position to do so. I have my own flaws and I am NOT perfect. In the mid of trying to embrace my flaws, sometimes, I get a little diverted from the original path. Thus, it explains everything that I've been through.
Faith, Angel, faith!
Right, faith is the key!
Nope, not about Mr. Right. I'm way ahead finding Mr. Right. No, no, no! Let's just said, I don't believe in such thing as Mr. Right in my life and honestly, I don't think I want to ever get attached, probably, maybe or just as of now.
There are other goals in my life that I need to reach for. Exception for love cum partner, I want everything in life.
As for now, I just need to get my arse outta UM by graduating as soon as possible and thereafter, leave Malaysia. Yes, I'm gonna leave Malaysia for a better place and if God permits, I really want to just settle down elsewhere where nobody knows me so that everything can start fresh for once again.
No, fresh but not for relationships. I don't think I will ever, ever, ever be ready for one because honestly, I'm scared of one already. I just wanna go through a life where I don't have to worry about so many things in life.
Let's just say, my ONLY goal for 2011 is to graduate!
By 2012, I'm supposed to be somewhere outta country and I promise, I will be saying hello if I ever leave! LOLX!
Okay, honestly, my opinions towards relationships will never be the same again but then again, hey, it isn't so bad. I've told myself I shan't let others worry about me so, I will keep all the stuffs to myself from today onwards!
Anyway, I will be smiling again, yes... smiling because I know tomorrow is another new day and new adventures will keep on coming to me. Hence, I will keep the smiles so that I can be stronger than yesterday!