Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Perhaps you'd be a bit surprised how often, if you knew, a joke, a song, a memory will make me think of you. Then, I'll be smiling and laughing, reminding myself, "You've told me all those before."

When I passed by Paddington , it reminded me that you've told me that we'll be going there one of these days...

When I saw puppies around, it reminded me that you've told me stories about Max...

When I saw raspberries, it reminded me how I burnt my fingers trying to bake raspberry cheesecake to impress you...

When I was told of the stories of the frog prince, it reminded me of our tin kai stories...

When I was at KLCC, it reminded me of the best birthday present in my life, having you to be there for me...

Those are the times when I realize I really, really do miss you a lot more than words can say... Somehow, I can't tell you all that I'm feeling lately, hence, I cry myself to sleep at nights because tears are words the heart cannot express.

It honestly doesn't feel good having to keep everything to myself. I wish I could share it with you but somehow, I know that part of me doesn't want to burden because both of us might be really trying hard to let go something that has never bound to happen.

A million words would not bring you back, I know because I have tried, neither would a million tears, I know because I have cried.

Although it scares me that I have to get used to the life without you from now on, what else can I do? I fear of imagining me without you but still, life goes on and I have to learn to cope with a future without you in it.

As sad as I am, I cannot be selfish because I should be counting my blessings and one of the blessings that I'm most grateful for this lifetime is knowing you. I would give up everything for one moment with you; for one moment is better than a lifetime of not knowing you.

Walking away isn't easy the best decision but sometimes, it is the best choice but I promise, I'll not let it be a burden for you because you really deserve someone better.

Perhaps, you'll wonder, "If walking away is tough, why do you want to walk away?"

If both of us are feeling tormented, why do we need to stay on? I cannot bear seeing you unhappy. I cannot bear having to imagine you're going through bumps.

I guess we've reached the ending of the entry - if you're wondering... yes, I've fallen for him. Fallen for somebody who is never mine to begin with.

Even if I could fill a thousand pages telling you how I feel, still the ending will be the same. So, now, I will leave without a sound, except that of my heart shattering as it hits the ground because you know you love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you're not part of it.

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