Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Be strong!

Honestly, I think I have really been strong enough - too strong to the point that the person of the opposite gender might find me being too independent and I can live a live without a partner.

That was how my parents trained me - you've oughta be independent and strong and NOT to ever, ever cry over petty issues. Life isn't a bed of roses, so, you've gotta strive, dive and get hold of it in order to become successful.

I guess I did learn from mistakes. I'm just like any typical girl out there - I cried at the screening of A Walk to Remember. I cried at heartbreaks. I cried at times when I felt stressed. In fact, if you don't know, I cry all the times. It's just that sometimes, experiences in life taught you to put on different masks to hide your tears.

For the past 16 days I've been going through hell lotsa things. If you've been following me on my twitter, you'd know I've been counting days ever since The Witty Wizard and I stopped SMS-ing or talking to each other after making our points clear.

There is NEVER anyone who's right or wrong in our case.

Seriously, for those 16 days, life wasn't a living hell but most of the times of the days, I'd spent on thinking why certain phases in our lives happened and what I should do to overcome them. Other than that, I'd be thinking what is the problem within myself. I guess... if relationship never works out, it's always my problem.

At least I was taught that way ever since I was a kid. I remember clearly my maternal grandmother used to tell me, "No matter how bright or smart you are, if you look like a pile of shit, then, you'd never end up with any good guy."

If you don't know what a pile of shit my maternal grandmother was referring to... here, you go but don't say I never warn ya!

At that point of time, I told mum, "What does grandma know? She's getting old, she doesn't know what she's talking about. I'm smart, I can conquer the world, who cares about getting a partner?!"

Little did I know, growing up was the hardest phase in my life when I was being laughed at just because I was and still am fat.

So, whenever anything happened back then and it was because of relationships, when I turned to my parents for advice, mum would especially say, "It's all because you're fat and ugly that no guys like to be near you."

When I hit 19 years old, upon grandma's passing on, I finally came to know how important it was to be confident about yourself. She was right but to gain back that self-confidence which was long lost, I need to learn to be able to live healthily and to love myself for who I am.

I guess things don't really change, right? Even from looking like the girl on your left to the girl on your right, I guess relationship isn't in the HG of my life.

Who can I blame?

I went through hardships trying to carry myself better and to love myself more. It wasn't easy. Even up to this very day, I don't own 100% of self-confidence. I'm still lacking somewhere, somehow.

I was talking to one of my buddies last night and she was telling me not to let go of The Witty Wizard because good guy like him is hard to come by. For sure I know but good guy is hard to get. I don't want to go through another 16 days of having to count each and every day, reminding myself that one of these days, he will come knocking on the door.

There's a part of me that is pretty certain he will NEVER do that because yeah, I blame myself for not being attractive enough. I guess up to this point of life, things about being attractive or not, it just doesn't matter any longer because all of us are growing older and when you're older, looks just go out of the way.

Therefore, I shall learn to just move on with my life and be strong, at the same time, counting my blessings.

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