Sunday, January 16, 2011

A piece of my memory

I guess I've been too deeply being sucked into the world of cosmetic junks, thus, abandoning my life lately.

There are so many things going on these days and some of them left me pretty puzzled, angry, worried and happy. I can't deny there are problems that make me wonder if I'm choosing the right path in life. In the mid of agonizing on how to solve my problems, all of a sudden, a person's memory popped into my mind.

Lemme tell you a story.

I used to be such a noob when it comes to relationships. Before I was 21, I was never really exposed to the world of courtship because I was raised in a conservative environment with the thought, if a guy touches you, you'll get pregnant.

So much for the conservativeness in me back then.

Everything pretty much changed when I got to know Brandon.

We practically started out as stranger like every other people in this world. From what I could remember, he was one of the most outstanding guys in our course. Our friendship started when both of us were paired up for an assignment.

I was pretty skeptical about the whole pair-up thingy because I thought I couldn't go along with him because I used to be pretty laid back especially if I was with somebody out of my clique. Little did I expect we did very, very well for our assignment and slowly, our friendship blossomed - from stranger to acquaintance.

From acquaintance to somebody whom I could actually laughed happily with. We did a lot of silly things together from laughing about other people's works to laughing about our own works.

I guess, it was really good to have somebody who would humour you whenever you need humours in life. Occasionally, we would spend time out of lectures at nearby mamaks or restaurant with a few friends, laughing and crapping about things in life.

It sure didn't look like it but he was one of the crappiest but funniest person ever.

After quite some time of hanging out with friends, I guess things changed - we began going out together, not as in dating, but just going out without the presence of other friends. Being a gentleman he was, most of the times, he would offer to foot the bills. Of course, it was good for me.

I guess with so much time being spent together - it was pretty natural when I kinda developed a feeling where whenever he was nearby, I would have butterflies in my stomach.

Yes, right... butterflies in my stomach... I was nervous and excited whenever he was around. I didn't want this feeling to be discovered by him, thus, I pretended like nothing happened.

So, there came a day, when I was going back to my hometown, he offered to send me to KL Sentral. I was pretty much quiet throughout the journey from Section 11 to KL Sentral. Most probably because both of us were not the only ones in his car.

Upon reaching KL Sentral, I hurriedly tried to get into the bus so that I could skip bidding goodbye but just as I was going on board, he called my name and I didn't know what in the world happened but my body decided to turn to face him. He just smiled at me when I said goodbye.

The engine started - I was feeling a little heavy-hearted when the bus I was in, moving away and away from him. Yes, no mistake, I was frustrated too and wished he would at least give me a hug.

Just about 5 minutes from my departure, he sent me an SMS, "I was feeling so heavy-hearted seeing you leave. I'm going to miss your company. Come back soon!"

I almost cried in the bus when I saw the SMS but again, I pretended like nothing happened because I have a friend with me.

The next day, I got another SMS from him, "I miss you so much."

Honestly, I didn't know what happened - again, my fingers went against my will and I guess... I told him I missed him too. So, for the next 2 weeks I was at home, he would call and SMS. Nothing special, we didn't say anything to each other. It was just like casual, friendly chat.

The day when I returned to KL was Mid-Autumn Festival. We spent the evening at my place - had a good laugh and of course, dinner. After dinner, like usual, I guess his life pretty much involved around online-ing. While, he was busy online-ing, I was busy getting my beauty routine done when he told me he would be leaving.

Without realizing, all of a sudden, this guy pulled me into his embrace and told me, "Please let us be in this position." I was too shocked to even move... erm... okay, I have to admit it... he was the first guy who ever hugged me. The shock I was feeling left me speechless until a few moments later, I stupidly said to him, "I think that'd be enough for now."

I was feeling so embarrassed through and through when he left. My cheeks were so warm that I couldn't believe my heart was thumping like no tomorrow.

Hahahaha... You can laugh now but 5 minutes later, he called me again and realized he had forgotten his house's keys on my table. I sent the keys down to him and guess... my heart jumped faster when I saw him standing there. Just as I passed the keys to him, instead of taking them from me, he pulled me into his embrace again for the second time.

Everything felt surreal after that... Correct me if I am wrong but at that point of time, I was feeling so adored and loved.

Things went on fine - we went out for occassional movie and dinner dates. There were times when we would just go for stroll somewhere and life had never been so perfect.

There came a night, when I sat down and talked to my roomies about what I was feeling, my roomies weren't happy about it. I knew I shouldn't even date this guy but we were not in a real courtship. Okay... we held hands and stuffs like that but... again... sighs... after a thorough thought, I had decided to ditch my feeling because I couldn't possibly let the guilt I was feeling engulfed me. I told myself, "Please come to your conscience! He is attached to your friend!"

True enough... he was attached to a friend of mine... So, I was the third party or better known as 狐狸精 hu li jing. I cried to myself and forced myself to ask him the truth, "Will it be me or her?" I guess a guy's answer will always be the same...

He chose her over me with the reason, he couldn't give up on her as she was threatening him with her life. I was so guilty... could I be the sole reason that my friend was threatening to end her life if he breaks up with her?

I left no room for my mind to think about it until the day when I lost my phone, I couldn't get in touch with him. With him being worried, he called one of my roomies to ask of my whereabouts. I was out at that time and wasn't sure what happened but roomie told me he did wait for me for about half an hour downstairs at our condominium.

I was so determined not to get back to him when I got home because at that point of time, I was positive he was a player because another friend of mine was in a similar relationship with him as well. But when I saw his SMS, my heart softened, "Please tell Angel to get back to me when she's back. I'm worried."

I guess... I was so useless. I couldn't even protect myself... I couldn't even say 'no' to him. I replied his SMS and then, everything was good again. I admit, I was a selfish person... I thought perhaps, I could change him and who knows we might just end up together if he breaks up with that friend of mine but well... I wasn't the person who could make him do that because not long later, we stopped seeing each other.

It was mutual. We just stopped seeing each other because I told myself, "You should not do this... Bring an end to it because he's your friend's boyfriend and he's a freaking player!"

I managed to do so with the help of few friends. I was glad that I could run out of this complicated relationship but honestly, after that, I felt very much alone because there was nobody to share my feelings with.

We still saw each other during lectures but both of us pretended like nothing happened. We stopped smiling and talking to each other. We stopped greeting each other. Both of us were like an invisible being to each other.

It was one of the hardest stages of life to go through because every now and then, I saw him with his girlfriend but well... that proved I would never be the one for a player like him.

That concludes my story.

I'm feeling pretty nostalgic this time around, I don't know why. It could be due to age is catching up and I'm not ageing gracefully for whatever reason it is. Well, the thing I am very sure of, he did make me feel like a princess and every player knows how to play the game and of course loved and cared for.

Time, oh, time, why do you have to sizzle?

There you go... a be-early Valentine's Day entry - my first love broke my heart for the first time and I was like...

Baby, baby, baby ohhh,
Like baby, baby, baby no,
Like baby, baby, baby ohh,
I thought you'd always be mine, mine...

Hahahahaha... It was totally unintentional but yeah... he was the first person who made me feel loved though it might not be REAL.

Enjoy your new week!


Varsha Pandey said...

Loved reading your article!

Angel Valerie said...

Thank you for following, Varsha! Yeah, I am glad you've enjoyed reading what I've blogged.