Of having phobia in finding love...

Note - Mrs. T, this is for you, hence you've to read word by word, carefully as I think I'll be sleeping soon. Hahaha... My life isn't so great over here, so, the best medicine would be to sleep early and dream of my prince charming.

Honestly, being a single for the past 3 years has really taught me a lot of things, especially the bitter experiences have somehow taught me to be a more independent and stronger person mentally and also emotionally.

I went back to Serdang today and on the way, I passed by Minlon. I guess that building really brings back a lot of memories - not a very much worthy to be remembered memories but still it's part of the memory. That was the place where I traveled all the way from PJ to Serdang just because I wanted to meet this particular person on weekly basis.

This person, however, let me down, disappointed me as well as gambled and lost my trust upon him. No names mentioned, hence, please don't be perasan if you so happen to be that person in real life.

After that, I got to know THE WORLD MOST FUTILE-CAN-DIE-AND-GO-TO-HELL GUY and brought sufferrings upon myself. Whenever I thought of it, the nightmare still haunts me up to this day when the son of a bitch kept on pestering me for money as well as sex.

I don't know why but no matter how much I wish to be in a relationship, I just can't seem to put the bitter memory behind - I've tried but it kept on haunting me, just like a wound, after recovering, it leaves a scar.

For 3 years, I've been asking myself...

What if the next guy I bump into is another son of a bitch?
What if the next guy I bump into asks for sex and money too?
What if the next guy I bump into humiliate me like that sucker?
What if the next guy I bump into is typically as useless as that fucker?

Similarly, there are other things I'm scared of as well...

What if the next guy I bump into happen to be a gay?
What if the next guy I bump into happen to be a player?
What if the next guy I bump into happen to be not sincere?

There are just too many "what if-s?" in my mind right now and I'm being tormented by them. Now, you know the reasons why I've been running away even if chances come by. Sometimes, it's not that I don't wish to erase the bitter memories but the memories just won't go away no matter how hard I try to get rid of them.

I often heard people saying, "When you've forgiven someone, that is when the love isn't there any more - friendship is there."

I find it a TOTAL bullshit because I don't give a damn about friends like that. I'm better off without people like them and perhaps the Earth is better off without them too.

The hatred for that son of a bitch leaves my blood boiling and there's NO WAY, definitely NO WAY that I am going to even forgive somebody who humiliate me in front of my friends.

After few ups and downs in finding love, I find it very hard for me to even trust the next guy, even if he happens to be my Mr. Right.

I was talking to mum earlier about the issue as I was feeling quite awkward when JJ told me, "I know you've been very outgoing and you might not wish to stay in Malaysia after graduating but if there will be a day that you're tired of everything, fly to me. I'll be here."

Mrs. T, no mistake - he told me something like this.

Hence, I pretended to be stupid because I was a little scared over things like these. Well, I changed topic after that.

Then, as we went on, he was asking me, "If I were to ask you to marry me, what will be your answer now?"

I took it as a joke and told him, "Come back to me in 5 years' time and I'll tell you the answer."

MT said I was being ridiculously stupid. I am, I admit because, I don't know if it's for real or if he's pulling my leg.

Stupidly, yes, me, as in, Angel, stupidly told him, "Are you saying this just because you're trying to tag along with my silliness or you're forcing yourself to ask me that kinda question?"

Mrs. T, very much anticipating his answer, right?

"Do you think this kinda question can be forced out of my mouth if I'm not willing to ask?"

Okay, I didn't give any reply because I was saying to him, "I don't even know what you're talking about."

Mrs. T, please don't slap me!

End of story. No more story because we just kinda stopped there.

I mean... I don't know how to go on telling this story but... right now, the mini me is telling me to avoid all kinda boy-girl relationship because bad things will go around and around and it will NOT go away.

Another part of me - yes, I'm a typical human being too, hence, there are times when I really do envy those who have found their Mr. Rights - I mean, what is there not to envy?

Mrs. T, I super envy and love you at the same time.

If God is to give me another chance to bump into my Mr. Right at the nearest time, I guess I'd still missed him because - the phobia is there.

Yes, you've read it right.

I have phobia, goddammit!

Phobia of finding love again after being toyed around, cheated out of my wits and bumping into Mr. Wrongs.