Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Part 3

I was really feeling so touched when Alice left a comment in my previous entry. At the same time, she also wrote an entry on how she felt being an XS as well as being in size S now.

Thanks, kakak, for always being there regardless of how annoying I was, going on and on about my weight issue.

Life is not easy when you are being labeled as "the fattest kid on the block." Even if you try to ignore those stupid people, they'll still call you some idiotic names like "gorilla," "king kong," "si tua pui," "gemuk," "oil tong" or stuffs like that.

I've been through the times when friends, relatives or even strangers called me all those names. Yes, I was frustrated. I believe no soul would ever wanted to be called such names, especially if you're a girl.

Mana maruah diri if people are to label you with such names?

Yes, I used to be the fattest kid on the block and some people kinda hated and picked on me. Thing didn't help much when I was already fat and people think I was ugly. To add salt to injury, I felt so fugly back then and I went through everyday like living hell.

With a picture like above, how would someone not say I'm so fucking ugly? You tell me.

I used to cry at nights because my life back then during high school was really terrible. People made fun of me, people despise me, people looked down on me... JUST BECAUSE I WAS FAT.

There was once, few ex-classmates of mine made fun of me. Initially, they were supposed to be jokes but those stupid jokes ended up making me crying like mad that I didn't want to go to school after that.

# # # # # # # # # #

Situation 1

Idiot A: Do you guys know why Angel can pass her Maths this term?
Idiot B: You did her paper for her?
Idiot A: No, I didn't! I found out that fat girl copied my paper during exam!
Idiot B: Typical fat and lazy people!
Idiot A: You see she was sitting behind me during exam, so it's possible!

Okay, true enough I was sitting behind Idiot A but I wasn't sitting DIRECTLY behind him. How did I copy his Maths paper when it is almost impossible for one to copy another one's Maths' steps to getting correct answers?

Even if I got the answers correct but I didn't get the steps correct, I wasn't even able to score one mark for my Maths. Furthermore, I didn't even pass my Maths paper at that time! It was just that idiotic Idiot A spread false rumour about me. I got a 17% out of 100%.

Our Maths' teacher accidentally heard it and demanded an explanation from Idiot A.
Idiot A: She copied my paper!
Mr. K: Angel, did you copy his paper?
Me: No, I didn't and I swear I didn't.
Mr. K: Do you know I can send you to the office if you're lying?
Me: I.did.not.
I still remember the looks on Idiot A and B's faces to this very day.

Situation 2
Idiot B: You know Angel is actually not-that-fat.
Idiot A: Yes, she's obese in fact!
Idiot B: Have you guys ever thought that she might be pregnant?
Idiot A: She? Pregnant? She's so fat, cannot get pregnant.
Idiot B: I think she's pregnant.
Okay, now, our form teacher overheard it and she called me to the office during break time that day. She wanted me to tell her the truth.
Miss R: I heard people said you're pregnant.
Me: (shocked) No, how can I get pregnant?
Miss R: I've heard stories about you, hanging out with guys...
Me: No, I did not!
Miss R: Angel, I might need to send you off to the discipline teacher if you continue on lying.
I insisted I did not hang out with guys nor did I get myself pregnant at the age of 18. Then, Miss R told me to go back to my class. Little did I expect the discipline teacher, Mdm. C to call my mum. It so happened that Mdm. C and mum were best friends.
Mum: Mdm. C told me some classmates said you're pregnant. What happened?
Me: I am not pregnant and I did not have sex.
Mum: Now, girl, you'd better come clean with me.
Me: I swear mum, I swear with my life.
Mum, upon seeing me crying, finally believed it was just a rumour n those idiotics made it big because they wanted to make my life miserable. I cried for two to three nights and refused to go to school because of that but I still had to go.

Situation 3
Idiot C: Do you think Angel, The Fat Girl next door has a crush on you?
Idiot D: Yes, I think she has a crunch on Ray.
Ray: Stop your nonsense, she was just being nice.
Idiot C: Ray, OMG, you've fallen for that fat girl?
Idiot D: You're going to be Mr. Fat Guy if you like her!
Ray: Enough!
It was at the same time I passed by that class and I heard what Idiot C and D said about me and I was so fucking furious that I entered their class and I shouted at them right into their face, "If you think you have balls, bitch about me in front of me and not behind me!"

Idiot C and D shut their mouths for a while but after that, another friend of mine who was in the same class as them told me that they continued bitching about me.

I had no relation to Idiot C and D in any situations. I didn't know them well, I never talked to them n I never even looked at them during my schooling years. Then, I found out that they picked on me because I was fat, ugly and looked weak.

Situation 4
Aunt M: Just look at my daughter - she's so beautiful in the dress I've make for her.
Uncle M: Yes, my daughter is the prettiest.
Dad: (keeps quiet)
Uncle M: I don't think your daughter will be seen in such a nice dress like my daughter ever because she's so fat.
Aunt M: (laughing and mocking) Yes, your daughter will never fit into nice clothes.
I was geram. I knew dad was geram because as much as he wanted to fight back for me, he needed to respect my Aunt and Uncle M because they were elder.

# # # # # # # # # #

There was once another idiot who said something like, "She's so damn fat, so guarantee cannot get married and she's going to be alone all her life! Fat, ugly, lonely and pathetic!"

That was a girl. I got so damn irritated with that girl.

If I could choose, people, I didn't want to be a 91kg person...

If I could choose, people, I didn't want to be fat...

If I could choose, people, I didn't want to be called a fatty...

If I could choose, people, I want to be slim and slender too...

I didn't ask to be born fat or ugly. I didn't ask to be born a loser. I didn't ask to be born a pathetic soul. I didn't ask to be born weak. In fact I wasn't born fat...

I was like any normal child. I used to be underweight and refused to eat but there was a point of time, because of hormonal changes and depressions, my appetite grew and my size increased.

At that point of time, all I wanted was to have people around me to accept me for who I was and not because of my appearance. I tried my hardest to please people but they still accept me for who I was because I was F-A-T.

Fat people is lazy...
Fat people is clumsy...
Fat people is very stupid...

Those were the thoughts that people around me used to relate to me.

Do they ever realize how many liters of tears I could have collected from all those years of crying because people looked down on me?

Do they ever realize how miserable I was during my high school years just because I was fat?

Fat people deserve chances like any other people too! They are human beings as well and they have feelings. You don't like to be looked down at and fat people don't want to be looked down at as well.


MiMi said...

Angel,你已经成功一半了...你变美了...其实曾经胖过并没什么不好啊!至少我们尝试到从丑小鸭变成天鹅的滋味...从不可能到可能...从没自信变成有自信. 不好吗? 乐观点...有时侯胖也可以胖得很漂亮的...=)

Princess said...

angel dear, don't look back to those days and don't remind yourself that you are fat. You may look a bit fleshy compared to those slim ppl, but what you have is the confidence in you that makes you glow as i always tell you. Don't push yourself too hard.. You are pretty... :p

melon ♥ funk said...

I came across your blog as I was searching for a suitable short haircut for a "chubby face". Then I began to read more into your bog and it's very interesting! This entree was very heart wrenching because it goes straight to my heart. I guess right now, I am in the boat you were in. I'm chubby and really not attractive. It hurts most to get the rudest comments from the people closest to you such as relatives. I too did not choose to be fat. :[ I am though, very much looking forward to a perhaps and part 4 where you get to your routine and how you lost so much weightt! :]

simply Ed said...

hey look through the old photos.. u have achieved so much... you should be proud of yourself...

If not I am proud of you.

Angel Valerie said...

mimi - both u and i have been through the darkest times of our lives when we experienced the same feelings and situations. thanks for being there.

dear princess kakak - u know me too well from those years of being together. u know how i went through those times, trying to regain the lost confidence. through time n tide, although the confidence is there, i hate it when i feel it decreasing. sigh... wish i could be like u.

dear cecilia - thanks for dropping by and also leaving a comment here. i appreciate it a lot :) yes, maybe comments from strangers dont hurt much but the hardest part is when ur friends n relatives make rude remark of us, being "typical, fat, lazy, careless" persons.

as for Part 4, honestly, i dont see the BIG achievement in me but if u want to know, i'll be glad to write an entry about it soon. at the same time, we can always discuss about haircuts ;P

sweetie, where have u been all these times? sob... have been wanting to contact u the other day but i was scared that i might even bother u since u're working...

Ed, thanks for always having faith in me. its just sometimes, i feel low whenever i remind myself on how ppl used to look down at me previously n some, now.

Simpleton said...

Hello....i know its sad and pathetic to always be the butt of jokes. I understand your every pain and torment. I believe what you say. Cause I know it's the truth. None of it are lies.

I was there too. The exact same position as you were before.

People despised those who dressed like nerds and doesn't look as good as those self-acclaimed.

Just don't bother about what others say. Those insecure will make others feel insecure to feel secured. Be proud of yourself. Beauty is inner not artificial.


Visage of Faith

Angel Valerie said...

dear Bernard without -ette... haha... dont worry about it, brother. this is what life is. perhaps, this is what people said by experiences assist in growing up :)

thanks for cheering me up, Bernard-ette! haha.

LydiaKong said...

you had changed alot. just dun look backwards, look at now. but keep yourself fit la.

clara8050 said...

oh dear, dont look back at those things that had passed, those that bitching about u, they will hv their pay back time. in future their partner will be 10x fatter than u.now u become a pretty girl n u r always a pretty.i hv u as my besties, is d best things in my life