Saturday, August 16, 2008


Alice, AM, SY and I were attending a function where there was a performance from the drama club. My attention was fully on the performance because the guys on the stage were cute. Soon, I realized Alice, AM and SY went missing.

Few moments later, I received a SMS from Alice, telling me that they went food-hunting at the nearby cafeteria. I replied her SMS by asking her why she never asked me along. Alice said it was because she knew my answer would be "I'm on diet" if she was to ask me, so, she skipped asking me this time around. She said she'd be back in an hour or so.

I sulked when I got her reply but since I didn't know the way to cafeteria, I decided to wait for them to come back.

Somehow, a force urged me to turn around to look at the entrance of the hall after I put back my mobile into my handbag. As I turned around, something got hold of my attention - a group of friends who entered the hall. Among the group of friends, someone was in the group - someone whom I used to adore...

Upon seeing him, our eyes met. I hastily turned away from him and pretended as if I never saw him. Unexpectedly, he approached me at my seat and asked if he could have the seat next to mine or not. I ignored him. He proceeded to sit beside me and tried to initiate conversations between us.
Him: How's life lately?
Me: None of your business.
Him: Working yet?
Me: You don't need to know.
Him: Why? I thought friends are supposed to care about each other, no?
Me: We're not friends but strangers.
I stood up and left the hall. I did not wish to talk to him. I was walking down the path leading to cafeteria because I wanted to catch up with Alice, AM and SY when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around and saw him - he was following me. I heard his running footsteps behind me when my pace was fastened. As I was just preparing myself to run, he got ahead of me.
Him: Why are you running away from me?
Me: Why are you following me?
Him: We need to talk.
Me: We have nothing to talk about.
Him: I know you're still mad with me.
Me: No, I'm not.
Him: Then, why are you ignoring me all these times?
Me: Did I?
Him: Please give me a chance to explain everything at least.
Me: Why should I?
Him: Everybody deserves a chance to put things right.
Me: I don't wish to listen to anything you want to say. Goodbye.
He got hold of my left arm just before I could leave.
Him: You might not want to listen but I want to make explanation.
Me: Not in this lifetime!
I stepped on his feet and ran off.

As I was hastily running away, I bumped into Alice, AM and SY when I was halfway through making my way to the cafeteria. When they saw me huff-puffing, Alice was worried. She asked if there was anything wrong. I told her I met him... Alice smiled at me and another conversation was initiated between the four of us.
Alice: Why are you running away from him?
Me: What is the reason for me to stay?
SY: Maybe you should listen to what he wants to tell you.
AM: Yes, let him explain.
Me: I don't want to remind myself of the past.
Alice: I guess it'll do you no harm if you just listen to him.
SY: Don't you want to know what what was the reason behind the countless misunderstandings between you guys?
Me: I don't think I need to know.
You know what I've been through to put the memories of us behind. I don't want to remind myself of those memories.
Alice: At least, give him a chance to talk things out.
Me: I've given him a lot of chances to put things right but he kept on hurting me.

AM: Are you sure you've given him a lot of chances? A year ago, you came to us, crying because something got in between your friendship but you never did give him a chance to explain.
SY: You never gave him chances to sort things out after so many misunderstandings took place.
AM: You said you're not mad at him any longer but did you give him a chance to put things right again?
Alice gave me a squeeze on my right shoulder.
Alice: Friendship is just like a treasure. You guys might not be able to be together as a couple but at least you know he's a friend you can always count on.
AM: Perhaps, all those talks about you, not being mad at him, are just your excuses to avoid getting hurt.
SY: Give him a chance to put things right. Listen to what he wants to say and then, decide if you should keep this friendship or not.
He appeared right in front of us after that. I turned to look at Alice with worries on my face. Alice gave me the most angelic smile ever and said, "Angel, 加油."

With that, three of them walked away from the scene, leaving him and I behind. He approached me with another smile carved on his face.
Me: Say whatever you want to say and leave.
Him: Thank you for giving me a chance to put things right again.
Me: 5 minutes.
Him: I appreciate our friendship a lot and I don't want anything to come in between.
Me: If you appreciate our friendship, you wouldn't even let those things happen! If you appreciate our friendship, you should have trusted me! If you appreciate our friendship, you shouldn't have done so many things that hurt me in so many ways!
Him: I'm sorry, okay? I admit, I was wrong at so many points of times but no one is perfect. There were times when I was mad at you for being so childish too.
Me: Me? Childish? I wonder what is the meaning of a friendship in your context. I'm childish alright but at the very least, I know I did a lot of things because of you!
Him: Can you stop pointing finger at me?
Me: Then, should I point finger at myself? Alright, it was my fault, my mistake and you should put the blame on me for being naive and childish! Goodbye, Mr. Perfect!
I ran into the darkness of the night only to realize that it was a dream - I woke up. It was a dream but it felt so real... so real that I could feel myself perspiring even when I was wide awake.

I thought over the dream for the next two days... maybe what Alice told me in my dream was right... maybe I didn't give him any chance to put things right again but how am I going to give him any chance when I don't even feel like seeing or talking to him?

A lot of things got in between our friendship that it deteriorates with passing day. If it is possible, I'd like to talk things out with him too but how? Whenever I thought of the past, it pains me. It reminds me of my struggle to forget him. Sometimes, it reminds me of all those he has done that I could never get the thoughts off my mind...

Once, he promised to pick me up but in the end, he couldn't make it and I was left stranded at the station alone at night. I was really mad at him at that time because he was the one who asked me to be there as he wanted to talk to me about something and he also promised that he would pick me up but in the end, he couldn't make it because he wanted to go for a game with his friends.

I was lucky that another friend of mine happened to have transport that night, so she picked me up instead. I was honestly furious... He didn't even call just to make sure I've gotten there safely - not even until the next morning.

At that time, I wished somebody would just kidnap or perhaps murder me, then, he'd feel guilty forever.

Label me as heartless as you like but you can't help feeling like I did when you were in the same situation as me - night, alone, stranded, station, girl - tell me how would you feel.

Thinking back, there were a lot of things I've done that totally upset him as well. I remember once I was really mad at him that I did use foul languages and perhaps even cursing him but I did that out of anger solely and I held nothing personal against him.

So many things have taken it's toil for the past few years and some of them were the sweetest memories ever...

I remember once when I was crying my heart out over an issue and he was there all along. He was there to wipe my tears, he was there to comfort me, he was there to hear my endless ramblings, he was there when I was sick, he was there when I needed help, he was there for all and for all. It was really sweet of him to offer warmth on a rainy and cold night when I was shivering.

He used to be the place where I seek comfort...

He used to be the place where I poured my feelings...

He used to be the place where I found warmth...

I really tried very hard to get over those memories that we've shared - as friends and nothing more than that. Sometimes, it freaks me out whenever he dropped by for just a hello... I couldn't find the courage to even talk to him just like I did in the past...

I guess people change with passing time...

Regarding the chance for him to put things right and the dream, I guess I just can't pluck enough courage to face him after so many things have happened and that both of us have a life of our own to lead now... Whenever I think of those times we've shared in the past, it always remind me of how I went through the time when I was trying to put the memories of us behind...

I don't want to go through the same phase in life - twice...

Thus, another chapter in my life closes...

Perhaps Wendy was right about a thing...

"One day, when you finally find yourself talking to him again, it will be the day that you've successfully put the past behind you."

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