Monday, February 21, 2011

The weird thing called LOVE

Note - Sorry, not in the mood for beauty related entries lately. Will update soon. I've gotten my Sleek Palette and also eyeliners from Solone. Expect a review on each coming up soon! Cheers, people!

Guess I'm pretty emotional lately.

It is funny how love always come knocking at your door at the time you least expected it to.

I remember I've told so many people that I will not fall in love, I will not do this, I will not do that and I will not do whatever that requires me to fall in love ever again, especially after so many failures. Another reason that stops me from doing so is the phobia inside me. I'm scared to love and to be loved. I'm scared that he might just be another jerk...

Thus, it explains why I've been running away whenever these topics are being raised by people.

Yes, I've been to numerous dates being set up by my parents, relatives, cousins and friends but more than often, I chickened out at the last moment. I guess, the phobia is still and will be there for another while though almost 3 years have gone by without realizing.

A friend asked me, "Angel, in your lifetime, how many 3 years do you still have if you keep on avoiding love?"

Honestly, I was loss at words. I finally realized, I might be able to get away from it for 3 years now but yes, how many 3 years do I still can get away with it? Age is catching up, friends are getting married and having their own kids and I can still sit here and procrastinate, not wanting to accept the fact that if I don't open up my heart, I will be single but not available for God-knows how long.

It pretty much scares me when the thought of having to grow old alone comes about.

Talking about love comes at the least expected moment...

Just 2.5 years back, I got to know this particular person, whom I shall address as The Witty Wizard. Yes, true enough, he is a person with wits with a tinge of wizard-y humours.

I could not recall much on what happened during that time because everything went too fast. I remember I was carrying like heaps lotsa bags because one of the friend was having a bad tummy discomfort and he was rushing to the washroom, hence, leaving all the bags and luggage to me.

It was a disaster having all the bags and luggage falling on me with so many people witnessing but nobody offered to help because I wasn't attractive enough.

The luggage and bags fell onto the floor and I had pick them up to put them into the car boot. More over, it got a little annoying when I couldn't even lift up the car boot with my hands full!

It happened like in a split second, a pair of hands reached out and lifted the boot for me. When I turned around, I saw The Witty Wizard. He smiled and out of courtesy, I just thanked him and threw everything into the car boot without further ado.

After some time, I have forgotten about this person - like totally.

Until half year later, unexpectedly, I met him over a gathering.

Nothing special happened then - it was just a greet-and-meet thing where all of the friends got to talk and laughed about the funniest jokes together. The Witty Wizard was being humourous and he got everyone going with his jokes and I remember that time around, he did make the first move to talk to me though I was dead tired - the aftermath of not sleeping for 48 hours!

So, after that I kinda forgot about him for quite some time again. I know, the ever so heartless me will forever be the same. Thank you for reminding me.

But a few months later, I was in an agony of being betrayed by this really close friend of mine, I had no one to turn to, hence I turned to The Witty Wizard as he was the only person online that I had seen that night - had a good talk and somehow or rather, to me, he was telling me to get my life straight and stop agonizing on what had happened.

True enough, I needed to get things straight and just get on with my life but then again, when a girl wants to complain, she just wants that person to hear her out.

Hence, nothing special really took place - we're still friends.

It all happened a week ago when I met him back after 1.5 years. This time around, I had the chance to sit next to him and got to know him better. But things went a little weird this time. I didn't understand why all of a sudden, I was having butterflies in my stomach when he came near me. It just happened like that - something beyond descriptions.

Then, we met again for few more times and each time, I had the same feeling whenever he approached me. So, I told my best friend about it and she was feeling weird why I wasn't my normal chatty self when he was around. Thus, she asked me, "Is this the sign of falling in love, Angel?"

All of a sudden, it struck me hard that perhaps, he is the one I've been waiting for all these times but I was hesitant to even think about it because I'm still being terrorized by the memories of the past.

As much as I want to fall in love again, I am still being haunted by the memories. I'm scared I might bump into Mr. Jerk, Mr. Bastard, Mr. Sex Manic and mister so and so again. I'm scared that if I fail this time around, I'll never be able to open my heart ever again. Even so, when I went into consideration few days ago when I was talking to bestie, she told me, "Even if you're scared, do you want to lose him? Mr. Right doesn't come knocking at your door. You've gotta brace up, dump your phobia and tell him how you feel!"

Bestie was true in saying that. There's nothing like bumping into Mr. Right, falling in love and stay in love forever. For once, I just wanna be like any typical girl out there - to be in love. All those craps about being an aspiring iron lady are just merely words of mouth.

At the moment when he came to me and said, "If I were given two choices, I'll be choosing you, Angel. Am I allowed to choose you?"

Okay, I didn't know what he meant but I remember my cheeks were flushed and that was the first time in my life I actually felt embarrassed and dumb-founded.

What should I do? Should I just open up my heart and learn to love again or should I just sit back and let him do whatever he wants but with me, ignoring him?


Anonymous said...

Be open and receptive to his moves, but let him pursue you.

Let him do the chasing, all you have to do is be appreciative and open to possibilities.

But let him do the chasing. He'll feel manly when you give good respond to his effort of winning you.

Just relax, if he wants you, he'll get you. Relax ;)

Angel Valerie said...

thanks for the advice.

i surely hope things will turn out good this time around. been through too many failures in relationships that made me stopped trusting love for a while now.

if it is him, i'll treasure this relationship more than anything in this world.