I've been feeling so emotional lately because of some incidences that took place in my life just recently.
Sometimes, I don't like the feeling of being myself.
Sometimes, I hate being myself.
Sometimes, I hate my life.
I always believe that in one lifetime, we do come across a lot of people - young, old, pretty, ugly, tall, short, slim, plump, annoying, lovable and so many other kinds of different people. Some of these people will leave imprints in our lives but some will not.
It is always a wonder how God made each and every one of us. Sometimes, I wonder what God had in mind when He created me 23 years ago...
Did He forget to to make my jaw sharper?
Did He forget to make my eyes bigger and brighter?
Did He forget to make me slimmer?
Did He forget to make me taller?
Did He forget to give me baby-smooth skin?
He might have forgotten to mould me into the physical appearance I've always wanted but there are certain things that I'm sure He didn't forget when He made me...
He gave me a happy family and most important of all - I'm healthy.
At the same time, when He made me, He remembered to give these traits to me...
Humours, laughters and smiles.
God knew that when He made me, I would be someone who is afraid of loneliness, so, He gave me FRIENDS.
Among all friends I have, there's this person - we started out as strangers, we knew each other by mistakes, we became closer by days and we ended up as each other's daily diary.
He came to me when he was down as well as when he was happy.
He came to me when he needed friends' opinions.
He came to me when he needed second thoughts.
He came to me when he wanted to tell me how his days went.
He came to me when he needed a good laugh.
He came to me when he needed my smiles and laughters.
At the same time...
I went to him when I wanted to complain.
I went to him when I wanted to grumble.
I went to him when I was depressed.
I went to him when I was tensed.
I went to him when I wanted to seek comfort.
I went to him when I gained weight and unhappy about it.
I went to him when I needed advices.
The common thing is that we found support in each other.
The moment he told me that he was going to Japan to pursue his dream of doing Masters in Engineering, my heart sunk - truly. I wanted so much to reach out for him but a lot of things held me back. When the day he was supposed to leave drew near, I found myself struggling to go through each and every day with a smile.
When the day of his departure came, I was feeling so heavy-hearted... I knew that he won't be back in the nearest time after his departure... I was telling him how heavy-hearted I was the night before because I could almost felt tears in my eyes but I was holding back... He was telling me how silly I was for feeling so and that he'd be back in no time.
When will "no time" be, in his context?
He reassured me everything will be fine, he'll be fine, he'll be alright and Japan is no foreign land to him already and that he will NOT forget to email me EVERYDAY.
Then, the night of 3rd of October came when I received an email from him, "I'm at Changi now, waiting to depart to Japan in three more hours, so, I thought I'd drop you an email to let you know I've safely reached Singapore."
He only had 15 minutes to online and the only thing on his mind was to email me.
*tears welling in the eyes*
Two days later, I received another email from him, "I reached Japan 2 days ago - I'm sorry I didn't get in touch with you earlier."
Later, I found out he was unable to get online because he didn't have an internet connection in his hostel and just so that he could contact me, he went all the way to one of the seniors he barely knew in another block to borrow his laptop and internet connection so that he could email me.
*tears trickling down the cheeks*
All the things he went through just to get in touch with me made me so touched. I was crying when I read his email... I didn't know what I would do if he was standing right in front of me at that very moment... Perhaps just holding him would be more than enough...
I found myself checking my email furiously these days from day to night because of him.
A part of me really wanted to tell him everything I'm feeling but somehow, I know it is NOT possible... It'll NEVER be possible... Remember the white lies?
I'm really feeling so emotional and guilty that somehow I wish I could wake up from this dream so that I don't need to somehow make both of us going through all these...
The song above by Jim Brickman and Martina McBride brings back a lot of ups and downs in life that we've been through together all these years...
I do realize that God loves me so much that He gave me so many best things in my life to me but at the same time, He gave me another precious thing - him.