Blessed birthday, Angel

Before my birthday month comes to an end, I figure out, I should be doing this entry because this year's birthday was a blast!

I totally didn't see it coming at all - thank you to all the wonderful people around me. Thank you for making my birthday a memorable one this year! Thank you for reminding how blessed my life is having all of you next to me.

My birthday this year was a week-long celebration!

So, the first ever celebration was truly a surprise. Well... I was pretty much taken aback by the plan... I didn't know my BEE students would plan a trip to the much anticipated beach, Belawai.

Plus, getting a cake, secretly praying that the cake wouldn't melt because there is no fridge in the hostel. Seriously, I was so, so speechless when I saw the cake... I almost teared up...

These people even took a quite embarrassing video of me...

Thank you, you guys - I seriously wept silently because I was touched but I was too ego to show you all my tears.

The celebration continues with yet another surprise planned by the sisters.

And thank you to my personal angel, the hubs, for the two-tiered birthday cakes... even though I did smell something fishy but you totally caught me off guard the cakes! Again, I was ready to cry...

Thank you to the best hubs ever... I owe you one and hopefully you can claim it back some day in future. Well, I may forget though...

At the same time, food was great!

However, the most touching scene would be to see all my students from different programmes coming together to celebrate my birthday.

Thank for making my day as well as making me feeling I'm the most lucky person on Earth.

Something extra the next day - a birthday mug cake from dear Justina...

I seriously enjoyed the mug cake so, so much!

During the last day of my service, some of my colleagues surprised me with a birthday cake! Well, I wasn't really expected that from them at all.

Thank you, all of you wonderful people!

On the very same day, four more BBA students showed up in my office with another surprise! How thoughtful of them!

I'm happy but at the same time upset - I know I am going to miss these wonderful people so, so much!

Next up was another birthday celebration with my fellow students whom I have taught from their foundation year to their degree years.

I can't express my heartfelt gratitude to know all of you. You guys are just like the little brothers and sisters that I never have.

On the actual birthday, I celebrated the day with my best girlfriends and sister.

We went over to Penthouse Cafe & Bar by Kingwood Hotel.

Food wasn't that great but prices are at a whooping whoooooosssshh!

We didn't really mind much of the prices but for the quality of the food and services we got, it wasn't worth it.

However, having my girlfriends celebrating the day with me - worth it!

The following day, went out with Mr. C for birthday dinner at Cafe Cafe.

Cafe Cafe has to be my all time favourite restaurant - food, price and service were great!

Not forgetting, the Apple Crumble was really, really awesome too!

The next celebration was with Su Ting at The Coffee Code - my favourite hangout because of the yummy waffles!

Su Ting ordered my favourite Black Code Waffle and even the co-owner of cafe, Lydia, made a special appearance during our photo-taking session.

Thank you, my dear!

The following celebration was with Hwa and Tyng at La Vino.

All the dishes were great but when I saw Hwa chomping own on the 70% raw lamb, I was a little terrified because aside from raw Salmon, I don't take any other raw food.

Well, Hwa said it was nice though.

We ended our day at Wikitea but I was too full to even order any drink...

Hwa was being unfair - he ordered his drink and he had somebody to share the drink with.

Seriously, I did enjoy myself so, so much being with the siblings!

Next day, finally, met up with my then, current batch of foundation students for a simple birthday cum farewell lunch...

Crapped too much during the gathering and suddenly, I had the feeling that soon, I would be missing this bunch of noisy kids.

The next day - it was the day I leave a place I call home, for good. It was quite an emo day because all that had been whirling in my mind - the hubs. I was a little heavy-hearted to leave him behind but there wasn't much I could do.

Once I got to KL, my BFF called me out for a belated birthday celebration at Tony Roma's.

Dinner was okay but again, it was the company that matters.

My third day back in KL, the brother took me out for another belated birthday lunch.

I know what some of you may be thinking.

I have to admit, I am getting older and quite honestly, I do not want to be 30 but time and tide wait for no man... here I am, happy 30th birthday to me.

Loved the Spaghetti Aglio Olio. It was something different from what I usually had - meat, meat, meat and more meat! It was kinda refreshing!

The last birthday celebration for 2015 ended with a dinner date with Mr. Ho.

I seriously enjoyed his company and of course my plate of Deconstructed Beef Salad so, so much!

Once again, thank you to all of you out there for making me feel warm and thankful that I am still alive in the wonderful world.

Happy 30th birthday to me, myself and I... hopefully I would stay healthy, happy, pretty and sexy all year round!

Goodbye, 2013!

2013 has not been entirely a smooth journey for me.

Honestly, it feels surreal that I've came this far in growing up and learning to be an adult with commitments.

Lemme just share some of the highlights of 2013.

First and foremost - I started working. I landed a job as a lecturer even though I dislike teaching and preparing notes.

The job is not as pleasing as majority of you would think it is. It requires a lot of effort to stay alert to mark papers and assignments plus preparing slides. There are nothing except for syllabi given to us and we have to develop our lessons on our own.

However, I am thankful that I've met helpful and friendly colleagues that are willing to help and lead me.

I do enjoy working with these wonderful bunch of people!

In 2013, I told myself that I would be actively blogging but in the end, I failed.

I realized life is not all about blogging but it is all about commitments to things aside from cyber world. I have been spending lesser and lesser time with family and friends due to work and time spent online. So, in the end, I couldn't fulfil my own promise to myself.

Sighs...

In 2013, my beloved car, Lulu, passed on due to old age.

We have had her for quite some time and she had become part of the family. She was with us through our ups and downs. It really did affect us with her sudden passing.

This year, we adopted a maltese, Toto.

Toto has been the heart of the family right at the moment when he came. He's active, loving, playful but sometimes, he can be naughtily annoying.

There were times when he chewed off my things and that made me very mad but after a few hours, I found out that I couldn't be mad at him. He's just too cute!

I am thankful for Toto.

In 2013, I have started to try to lead a healthier lifestyle.

Hence, I started frequenting the gym.

At the same time, I tried to eat healthy too.

Surprisingly, the weight came off easily - of course, it's with hard work and determination.

Well, that doesn't mean I do not indulge at all. Every once a while, I do still go out with friends and family for cheat day or YOLO meal.

I think I'm gonna keep this as my 2014 resolution.

Honestly, I don't think I have achieved much throughout 2013 but this is the journey of growing older and taking up commitments.

So, what have you achieved throughout 2013?

Lulu, you will be dearly missed!

I have always been a cat person all my life.

Back then, when I was a kid, I remember, we used to keep 13 cats. In the end, mum had to give the cats away because we did not have any space at home to keep all cats. We ended up keeping 1 to 3 cats and every four months, when the new batch of kittens were born we would choose our favourite cats and keep 1 or 2.

Lulu came in as the last batch because my brother neutered her when she was just a few months old.

Since then, Lulu grew bigger and bigger.

Our love towards her grew because she taught us to be patient and more caring towards animals. She used to rescue unknown kitties and brought them home to feed them until my parents were shocked of the sudden presence of these kitties. They had to give away these kitties.

I guess, it is indeed true that animals are loving towards each other.

Our Lulu was the most patient cat that we ever had.

She had the best temper and never really did get annoyed or angry at us. She would purr loudly and requested for tummy rub all the times.

She would come into the house and waited for us to wake up every morning outside of our room's door.

After breakfast, her daily activities would be to lie on the sofa and sleep. In the afternoon, she would wake up for her lunch before sneaking away. She would re-appear during dinner time and then on, she would stay with us in the living room until the next day.

During those days when my brother wasn't around the house, Lulu would sit in front of the room, staring blankly into it, half expecting my brother to be in the room. This had been her habit because my brother always brought her into the room with him whenever he was around.

I remember how it always melted my heart when I saw Lulu waiting right outside the room. I used to tell myself, Lulu, you've make us love you each and every day!

When Toto came few months ago, she felt threatened.

She fought for attention even though we did give her attention. I still played with her and even hugged her to sleep from time to time.

Over the few months, somehow, Lulu learned to perhaps like Toto a little bit. She began to approach him.

This made us appreciated her more - she was willing to share our attention and love with Toto.

My heart sank when I got back today and stupid sister announced to me that Lulu had passed away.

She had been sick for the past 3 days. We had brought her to the vet twice and still, she was not getting any better. We have tried so hard to nurse her to health but I guess sometimes things are just not meant to be.

We are really going to miss this beloved cat of ours so, so much.

Dearest Lulu, there will be no other cats in this world that could replace you presence in our hearts. We love you and thank you for every little thing that you have taught us during the 7 years you have been with us. Rest in peace, our dearest cat.

2012 going into 2013

I am sorry for the long MIA. Yeah, work has been getting onto me like mad. Okay, first thing first... OMG... I can't believe 2012 is gonna end real soon, yeah... in a few more days and hello, 2013 - I hope you'll be a terrific year for each and everyone of us!

Since I am feeling a little nostalgic lately, I'll just do a simple recap of what I have done throughout 2012. Let's start with January 2012.

January 2012

Life was pretty much insane - I was rushing in and out of UM to meet my academic supervisor during the weekdays and over the weekends, usually, those were the only times that I could spend with my siblings.

February 2012

Again, hectic life because of my thesis! My routine in February was pretty much the same as in January.

March 2012

OMG... my life was totally boring - thesis, thesis, thesis, thesis, thesis!

April 2012

As usual, I was so stuck with my thesis that I almost went mad!

May 2012

I went to Singapore the second time just because I wanted to reward myself for completing my thesis.

June 2012

Started job-hunting but my efforts were quite futile despite the fact that I went to several interviews already. Then, I decided to leave KL for good.

July 2012

I got back to my hometown, thinking I would settle down for good, instead, my house was broken into the day I got home. Those fucking robbers took my everything... I was left devastated but it was that time again, I got to know Ryan.

August 2012

Nothing really special happened just because I am forever a boring person.

September 2012

I came back to KL for my convocation and once I set my feet here again, I knew I wanted to stay on in KL.

October 2012

This was the most memorable month in 2012 because this marked the day of my graduation and that I would be leaving UM once and for all. I couldn't be happier. At the same time, I started working - I got so busy that I had no time to update my blog at all. I am thankful to meet a really good and caring friend, Patrick even though he loves to tease and makes fun of me.

Yeah, that is us, in the picture above, spending our Christmas at Church of Saint Francis Xavier.

Besides that, Ryan and I have been spending time together since I got to KL and I was thankful that he has been there.

November 2012

I got to know Tiffany - one of my best sisters! 

I love her to bits - despite knowing her for about 2 months, we are pretty much like real sisters. I am thankful to God for sending this friend to me especially in the time of need!

Also, Ryan and I got together officially.

December 2012

This has to be the most terrible month every because I was sent back to HQ and FML, even at the point of writing this entry, my mind is about work! Yes, I am very stressed!

Furthermore, all of a sudden, just 2 months into the relationship with Ryan, I just don't feel like walking down this path. He has changed so much that I barely know him now. Sighs... shall talk about that in another entry.

Okay, those are all for my monthly flashbacks in 2012.

What have you went through in 2012?

Not so much of a drama queen

A friend once told me, "Angel, your life is freaking dramatic - it's just like, you're in a drama! How do you feel being the leading actress?"

Erm... drama is like, totally out of my league because first and foremost, I never thought my life is dramatic or anything. Regarding my feeling as a leading actress - neutral. I lead my life my way and that doesn't make me any drama queen because I don't yell and scream, "Look at me, I'm putting on a show!"

It is just that, lady luck is never with me when it comes to love and relationships. 

Today, I do have a confession to make. If you are my new readers and you don't know one of the facts about me, well, here you go...

Don't worry, I am really not a drama queen and better still, I'm way past my teenage years!

Every year, when September comes, my mood is very much affected even though so many years have passed since those good old days. It's not that I want to think about him especially when he is getting married soon but his bride isn't me. I guess I shall be remembering September the 13th each and every year for God-knows-how-long.

Mum has been asking me quite a number of times that if I were given a chance to be with him once again, would I choose to walk that path or the path I am walking now.

Seriously, I never thought about her question... maybe I am just ignorant because I chose to run away from reality. When reality sucks, I am sure none of you wanna know it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yada, yada, yada, complain all you like - I know reality is a bitch and even though I ran away, I am still very much aware of what has taken place so, I am not so much of a coward after all.

Okay, as of mum's question, if I were given a chance to be with him again, my decision is still to walk away. I don't want to have anything to do with him. Lemme just tell you why I am glad we did not end up together despite him, being a girl's dream guy.

1. Irresponsible
   I was dumped at the KTM station and left there to rot at 12am where there were hardly any cabs to hire when he promised to pick me up but chickened out because he went to play badminton with his friends instead. Then, he never even bothered to check if I got to my friend's place safely.
   
2. Jumping into conclusion
   Okay, heartbreaking piece, "What kinda friend are you to bitch about me in front of your friends? Why did you even use foul words to describe me?" A piece of truth - I did not use foul words nor did I bitch about him in front of my friends. I said he was an idiot because he chose to trust someone who he had only known for 3 days instead of me, who had known for 3 years.
   
3. Assuming, "I am right, you are wrong."How about a speech that goes like this, "Sometimes, being good-looking is a curse. Maybe it's because I am quite good-looking that you've been pursuing me. Am I right?" I got a fright of my life trying to figure out how to answer that retarded question of his. I mean, yeah, I used to be so into him but did he need to be so straight forward?
   
4. I am not Mr. Perfect but I want you to be Miss Perfect
   Honestly, this is the reason I hated most about him. He told me not to do this or that because it was wrong if I were to do so but in the end, he was the one ended up doing so. His excuse was simple, "I cannot control myself."

Look at it this way.

Nobody is perfect nor do anyone want anyone to be perfect. My philosophy of life is as simple as A-B-C. If you demand me to be little Miss Perfect, I would almost demand you to be more than just Mr. Perfect. Let's put it this way.

If I were to get married to a guy who tells me, "I don't like fat girls because I am a perfectionist."

My answer would be simple, "Okay, I will stay slim and slender but after marriage, don't let me see your beer belly peeking through. If your waistline goes beyond 32, I will freaking divorce you because I am more just a f-ing perfectionist!"

Get what I mean?

You have your expection and I have mine - if you want a relationship to work out, respect each other! This doesn't only apply to relationships alone, even in friendships too!

Aih... why do I get so worked out?

Whatever it is... I am trying my best to forget this very day so... wish me luck for next year!

Once and for all

My mood right now - agitated and angry.

This entry is not gonna anything related to make-up, beauty or health. I'm a typical human being just like you all and I do have my ups and downs in life. 

Initially, this trip back to my hometown was not intended to be so long. One of my main intentions was to meet Sam. I did not know whether or not I would be able to bump into him but I took a shot. Erm... Sam and I have a lifetime stories growing up seeing each other as well as watching each other transform while being where we are today.

Honestly, one of the reasons why I am staying single after my previous relationship is because of Sam. I wanted to give both of us a well-deserved chance because we the chance to be together 9 years ago. Yes, 9 years is such a long time that none of you could ever imagine. 

Another reason is that, Sam is attached to a girl already and I do not wish to become the reason he breaks up with the girlfriend. I want nature to takes it's course, so, all these times, I keep a low profile as possible if we were contacting each other. Sometimes, I think I am the dumb one because I know he is attached but I do have a little bit of feelings for him especially after knowing how he feels towards me as well. I am scared because I'm not someone who would go after an attached or married man.

Before I came back, I told Sam I would be visiting Kuching for a day or two and he was thrilled and promised he would be taking a few days off to accompany me. I was happy and felt appreciated because never in my life had a guy taking leaves to be there for me. 

I was happier a week ago when he suddenly came back for Raya holidays. He said it was sudden because he did not plan on coming back. When he sent me a SMS saying he was on his way to my place at 12am, my heart dropped. I couldn't believe what I read. He had just taken a 7-hour ride back from Kuching and all he thought was dropping by my place for a visit? How can a typical girl like me feel not appreciated, right?

We met up the next day and that was the first time he came into my house to greet my parents out of courtesy. I couldn't feel more than happy. Just before he left, I jokingly asked, "Hey, Sam... we have only seen each other for less than an hour. Is it enough? Do you wanna see me again before you leave tomorrow?"

He stared at me with those eyes that would melt any girl's heart and told me, "I want to see more of you but I can't stay longer because I need to go shopping with my mum and grandma. Do you wanna join us?"

I was like... oh, okay, he asked me to join his mum and grandma for some shopping spree. For a moment, my heart stopped beating but in the end, I declined because I wasn't as courageous as I thought I could be. At the same time, the thought of him, still attached to his girlfriend, made me feel bad, so... I did not go out with him.

Well, everything else seemed pretty insane because talking to Sam over the phone after he returned to Kuching was dreamy and all that but those moments did not last long until we had quite a mind-boggling argument regarding what we are going through. He sent me a SMS about a week after his trip back home, telling me that he had broken up with his girlfriend.

I did not even think he would be courageous enough to do so because all these times, the Sam that I knew was a little... you know, obedient. When his girlfriend started to cry or taunt, he would give in. Honestly, I don't like girls like that and I am certainly not a girl who would sit on the floor and cry like a baby.

Two years ago, Sam told me the same thing that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that he felt a heavy burden being lifted. At that time, I wasn't feeling anything because I thought I had nothing to do with his break up and that whatever he was doing, they were not my concern. So, it was only 3 days later, he called and told me that they got back together. I went like, "WTF?! I thought you are tired of this relationship?"

He admitted that he was indeed tired of a bossy girlfriend that ordered him around and expecting him to move over to KL, into her place, staying with her mother.

Let's face it. If you are a guy and your girlfriend demands, "You cannot go back to Sarawak because I want you to move to KL and stay with my mum. I am the only child, so you have to understand my situation. I have a mother to take care of and since you are my boyfriend, you have to move to KL because Sarawak is too ulu and I don't like it there."

Guys and girls, if you are a fellow Sarawakian and people put you down just like so, how would you feel?

I don't hate Sam's girlfriend but I merely dislike her attitude of looking down at Sarawak and it's people.

Then, I got to know the reason they got back together was because the girl threatened to commit suicide if Sam did not return to her and that if she dies, Sam would need to take care of her mother.

Talking about nonsense, that girl is rubbish!

If I were Sam, I would dump her for good - psychotic bitch!

This time around, when told me he had broken up with the girlfriend for the second time, I doubted that would really be for good or not. Stupid sister was telling me, "I can play a bet with you - 3 days! Within 3 days Sam will go back to her psychotic girlfriend."

I told stupid sister not to tell silly jokes and bet on stupid stuffs.

Night fell... it was a little over 12am, about 3 hours later, when I got another message from Sam - that was less than 3 days bet as being placed by stupid sister. It read something like this...

"She called back and cried. She wants to get back together."

At that point of time, I was a little angry. I was angry at Sam. I knew I was not in position to be angry but he shouldn't even told me about the whole break-up story if it wasn't decided.

What are all these nonsense about breaking up, threatening and getting back together? Just because she knows how to cry and make life-threatening stories so Sam should get back together with her?

I couldn't stop wondering too...

What is wrong with the psychotic bitch and also Sam? Am I a toy for Sam to just lift the burden his girlfriend put on him temporarily?

I shall quote from Princess Jasmine of Aladdin, "I am not a toy to be won!"

I replied his message like this...

"I don't know what in the world you're trying to do and I am not interested whether or not you are breaking up for good. It's your decision and I don't want to know anything."

His answer was...

"Why are you angry? I still haven't decide yet."

By that time, I was more furious...

"I don't like it when you are giving me false hopes. I thought you would be serious this time around especially about US. In fact, when you told me you've broken up and I am the first one to know, I was over the moon and now, you're disappointing me!"

Perhaps, he was trying to get away from more problems and said...

"I'm having headache - drank too much. I'm heading to bed."

My last message to him was...

"All I know is, I don't like indecisive guys and I don't plan to know what you wanna do! Good night!"

He did reply but with an unhappy emoticon.

Who cares?! I was already feeling so disappointed with him. Think of it, first time trying to break up, the girlfriend threatened him that she would commit suicide. Second time trying to break up, committing suicide again?! WTF?!

Friends around me have been telling me that if the psychotic bitch wanted to really end her life, she would have taken her life by now and not clinging on to Sam.

Whatever it is, I don't give a damn about what they're going through. It is not my problem anyway and I don't intend to get together with a guy who disappoints me over and over and over again.

As complicated as my love life would be, I think I deserve better than Sam. 

The tale that never was...

A lot of times, we often find ourselves standing in the middle of a road diverged in two, having to make decision which road we should take. Have you ever wonder, right now, at current situation, what will your life be if you've taken another road instead of the road you're walking on now?

You see, it's all coming down to my teenage years whenever I think of that.

It was really tough for me to find the right clique when I was a teenager. I wasn't born to be a beauty queen with a body to die for nor a face as angelic as an angel. It wasn't my fault when I wasn't born a smart ass and I didn't ask to be born unattractive. So, throughout my high school years, I knew there were friends who befriended me just because they could make use of me to reach their goals.


Aside from that, I remember very vividly, there was this really down-to-earth male classmate of mine - let's call him Sam. I met him when I was 12 from the tuition center I used to go to but did not get the chance to know him because we were from different schools and even when we went to the same high school at the age of 13, we were in different classes. It was not until when we were 16, Sam and I were somehow ended in the same class. Even so, we did not have a lot of things to talk about because we belonged to different cliques of friends.

It was a hi-and-bye thing whenever we met and well, a year later, when we were in Form 5, somehow or rather, our friendship blossomed. We talked a lot... actually, we crapped a lot because you see, he was one of the top students in the class and did really well in Mathematics. Hence, I always went to him for free lessons.


No, no, no... it was totally not related to my puppy love because I only got to talk to Sam like friends when we were 16 or 17. Much, much older than the time when I crushed my puppy love. LOLX. I made the statement sounded so wrong but never mind. That's the whole intention. Hahaha.

Let's get back to the story of Sam.

I was and am talkative by nature and more than often, because of my talkativeness and maybe a tinge of naughtiness, somehow, Sam and I managed to become REAL friends from the hi-and-bye type. Well... I loved teasing him because he used to be all quiet and down-to-earth. He was one of very few guy friends whom I know really had the heart of gold when it came to friendship because for people like them at the age tend to get attracted to the hot girls but sadly, I wasn't any hot girl, but still, we became friends.

It was not until my 17th birthday that I finally pestered and pestered Sam for a birthday gift. I guess Sam gave in and bought me the first ever birthday gift that I've kept with me up to this very day. LOLX!


Can you believe it? Yes, this decoration item is still placed in my room back at my hometown. Geez... I guess I really do treasure this piece present from Sam indeed.

After Form 5, we went our own ways when he decided he'd go for Physics while, I ended up doing Biology. Well, different classes again but on and off, we would bump into each other because we were in the prefectorial board and well... still, I teased him like mad. Hey, not the bad teases but then, just kinda, you know, naughty. LOLX! Good thing, he responded and I guess he finally picked up communication skills and teased me back.

It went on for 2 years until we left Form 6. He went to UNIMAS, Kuching whereas I ended up somewhere in KL. It was 2005 back then and, we didn't get meet or even talk to each other for more than 2 years until in December 2007, when I was on a quest to find out more about my thesis in UNIMAS' library, I noticed a very familiar guy walking past me.

Instead of just walking past just like a stranger would, he kinda turned around to look at me several times before he left the library. The library was REALLY big and empty due to the fact that the time when I visited, it was semester break, hence, no students were around. I was pretty sure it was Sam but why didn't he say hi to me? I took out my mobile and dialed his number - missed call actually. Hahahahaha...

See... at least I was persistent!

In less than 5 minutes, unmistakeably, Sam came back into the library and this time around, a big smile was carved on his face, "Hey, Angelina, is that really you?"

On an honest account, there is not a single guy friend who would address me as 'Angelina' because I hate that name! Well, Sam is the one that always goes, "Angelina, Angelina, Angelina, Angelina." After a while, I kinda got used to him calling me that.

We hung up for a while in UNIMAS and got to reminisce the past. Hahaha... Then, a question popped up from both of our mouths, "Are you single or dating?" We laughed over it later but neither of us got the answer because my friends came and join us later. Hence, Sam left because he had a church meeting to attend to.

We kept in touch pretty often after that - we went out several times in 2008 after I had graduated but he was still in Kuching since engineering courses require 4 years to graduate.

In the mid 2008, when I was back to our hometown, it was such a surprise he called me the morning my flight landed and said he would be around too. I was thoroughly surprised because as far as I knew, it wasn't semester break in public universities and yeah, stuffs like that.

So, we kept SMS-ing a bit before we met up later that night.

We went to an old classmates' gathering over at Cafe Cafe. Well, just like the usual him, shy and quiet but yeah, we did talk. When the gathering was over, he offered to send me home. I was like, "Eh, I get a free lift home?"

On the way home, we kinda updated each other about our lives and that was when I got to know that he just got attached one of his coursemates. I congratulated him without noticing actually he had something on his mind because that night, he kept on sighing. I was laughing about it and told him to cheer up when I had my own agenda going on that time. I was being harassed by a guy that wanted me as a girlfriend and in the end, I had to get Sam's help in pretending to be the boyfriend. Sam didn't hesitate and agreed but I told him, "It'll only be a while. When it's over, I'll buy you a nice dinner!"

Since then, another year went by after I returned to KL and he went back to Kuching.

Come to think of it, it does feel weird that majority of the time I went back to our hometown, he would be there too.

Towards the end of 2008, after my convocation, I went back to our hometown again and well... he called me. LOLX! I was surprised again when he said he was at our hometown too. This time around, we talked over the phone and he told me that his relationship with his girlfriend was going downhill because as much as he cared for the girlfriend, still he did not like the fact that his girlfriend kept on forcing him to move to KL. I got to know from him too that somehow or rather, his girlfriend started to become very, very demanding and started to be orally abusive.

I did not know his girlfriend so, I was in no position to comment. I just zipped my mouth and after that, he asked if we could catch up that night since he would love to see me. I agreed. Well... something cropped up and I had to entertain a gang of kids - read it, yes, a gang of kids! So, there I was, bringing a gang of kids out with me together with my sister. When Sam actually got to the place where we were supposed to meet, I guess he was shocked to see me among all the kids. LOLX! Fancy me being the big kid there.

We talked a while before he decided to leave and actually asked if he could send me home. Throughout the journey home, we reminisced the good old days like why we didn't get in touch earlier and stuffs like that. Well... I bet that is what life is all about, right? You get some, you lose some.


After I got home that night, I completely forgotten about Sam - yeah, COMPLETELY.

Few months later, I got a phone call from him when I was back at KL that he couldn't take it any longer and he wanted a breakup with the girlfriend. He was asking me what he should do.

Being no expert in relationships, yes... mind you... I failed terribly in relationships, so... you know, I know, shut up! I told him to talk to the girlfriend nicely and try to make her understand his situation. Instead, he said he could no longer tolerate her and 2 days later, he SMS-ed me, telling me, "We broke up. I feel so much better now."

After it was over for him, we kinda SMS-ed each other quite often and he would call if he had got nothing to do but like always, I kept on teasing him by telling him, "Hey you, go and find a nice, rich and handsome boyfriend for me."

LOLX! I was stupid.

A week later, he called me again and apologized for letting me down. I was like, "Huh? Did you let me down?"

"We got back together - I had to..." Sam told me.

Then, I got to know that his girlfriend was crying and attempted suicide if he were to leave her.

From the bottom of my heart, I did pity Sam. I knew at that time, he was tensed but no words escaped from my mouth. I just told him if they were meant to be, no matter how, they'll be together. Yeah, I did tell him to be strong too.

We stopped contacting each other after that until mid of 2009, when I was back home for Amy's wedding, I bumped into Sam while I was going out for breakfast. It was another surprise because all those times I thought he wasn't around, he was still around.

Hahahaha... talking about destiny?!

Sam told me he couldn't attend Amy's reception because he had to rush to Miri on a project the next day and after that, he'd need to rush back to the HQ at Kuching for another meeting with his assistant. I thought nothing about it and just teased him again like usual that he'd be missing a lot of fun stuffs!

A week later, when I was leaving for KL once again, I was rushing to the airport because I was obviously late to check myself in. Then, when I was in the departure's lounge, I switched on my mobile and beep, beep, I had an incoming SMS.

"I was standing justa few steps behind you at the check-in counter just now. I saw you with your parents."

I couldn't believe what I had read. I called him immediately.

"I was really behind you and was hoping you'd turn around to at least look at me but you didn't," Sam told me, "I figured out you would be leaving your parents again, so, I didn't want to interfere your mini family reunion."

"Duh, you should have came up to me!" I told him, "I thought you're back at Kuching, why are you still here?"

"I traveled from Miri to Kuching and back here because I had another meeting here this morning, so, I just sent off one of the staff back to Kuching when I saw you," he said.

O-M-G!!!

Like how fairytale can we get?

That was the point when I felt sad that I didn't see him face-to-face before I leave but what could I do?

After Amy's wedding, we kinda stopped contacting each other because well... he has his own life and I have mine.

Few days after 2010 Christmas, we kinda dropped SMS-es in each other's inboxes and well... we met up at Midvalley because he was at KL to visit his girlfriend. Luckily I had Jeremy tagging along with me to meet him or else, I'd die of embarrassment! His girlfriend was so pretty, tall and slim - the exact type of girl any guy would die to get.

I was thinking to myself, "What are the reasons that made him wanted to leave her? I mean, look at her, just like a model!"

We just talked a little while before Sam's girlfriend decided they should leave because they had to meet up with her relatives for dinner. Right after Sam left, Jeremy looked at me and said, "So, he's leaving. Are you sad?"

What was there to feel sad about? I was happy for them!

Life goes on for both of us. No talking, no contacting, no SMS-ing at all for almost one year when just recently, well... as luck would have it, Sam actually dialed the wrong number when he was trying to call his friend and well, he called me instead. LOLX!

Hahahahaha... how very weird!

This morning, while I was still sleeping, I was woken up by a message from Viber. Hahaha! Sam!

Being the typical us, it was funny - he told me to go and get a boyfriend because I am getting older!

The conversation was a little funny indeed because like usual, I'd be teasing him, "Blame it on you, if you'd want me, I am already your girlfriend."

I didn't know what the heck went wrong and somehow, it got serious.

He told me that he thought I rejected him in the first place because he had been trying to drop hints that he was interested to get into a relationship with me but it seemed to him I wasn't interested because I gave no response.

"You totally ignored me," he said.

I was puzzled - when did he hint me? I have no clue at all - for all these times, we have been forever childish and I did not even know there were hints at all.

Only then, I got to know actually all those times I was back at hometown, he traveled back as well so that we could meet up. Then, when he asked me out and I obliged he thought I would have gotten his hint but the fact was, I did not. He asked if I ever thought of the reason why he'd be asking me out so often. I thought he just wanted to catch up and nothing more than that.


Well... noob me... I missed his hints - all of them!

*slaps self*

How stupid can I get, right?

Thus... 3 to 4 years have passed where we've came to this point of life where now, he has his own dream whereas for me, I have mine too.

Honestly, I do wonder, what if he opened up to me right in the face and told me he'd want to get into a relationship with me at that point of time. Would I accept or reject the thought?

Anyway, that was the tale that never was.

Raindrops falling on me

Whenever I feel raindrops falling on me, whenever I hear Leehom's 依然爱你, my memory betrays me and brings me back to the moment when you first took my hands and told me we'd both work hard to make things happen.




It also brings back the feeling when you first reached out to touched my face and told me, "Please stop laughing because I'll feel awkward if you keep on laughing like that."

It feels weird there are so many things I do everyday that remind me of the past memories that we've shared over the short 2 months of courtship. All of a sudden, nothing is left behind with your departure...

I remember the bed where we both sat and watched Kung Fu Panda together when I said to you, "Wei Sheng, don't you think Bo resembles you?" You raised your eyebrows and asked me, "Are you sure? You know, just like Bo, I find it difficult to find my inner peace. It just feels so difficult."

I remember the seats at the cafe we frequented where we had our first, second and third dates with you trying your best to crack jokes but with me ended up telling you the coldest and lamest humour ever. Still, you laughed even though I thought it was stupid.

I remember the path that we've walked on a rainy day with you telling me, "Don't worry, I'll shield you."

I remember the sofa where you first pulled me into your embrace and told me, "I wish we could stay this way forever. I'm sorry I haven't spend enough time with you."

I remember the time when our lips met, I was giggling through the whole episode while trying to bite your lips and having you telling me, "Hey, that's not the right way to kiss!"

I remember the kiss you gave me after eating curry and the stain was transferred to my lips. You laughed and ran into the lift, telling me, "I'm going to leave and make you miss me!"

I remember you telling me, "Angel, I'm sorry that I've always make you wait. I promise whenever I'm done with my work at the hospital, I'll spend more time with you."

Finally, I remember the hug that ended with an unexpected goodbye. I never wanted to believe it was the last time you'd be nearby because the thought hurts and deep down inside, I know there will never be someone that could replace you or the memories we've shared.

It is true that my story with Dr. Wong Wei Sheng ended with a heartbreaking goodbye and I had to go through a series of pains having to erase his memories. It pained me, I keep thinking about him. I wish those 2 months we've been together would forever be alive but I know it'll never be even close to possible because so many things have taken place and worse of all, the memory of the pain of seeing him holding another girl right in front of me.

I know you all will think I am an idiot to keep on reminding myself of Wei Sheng. If I could do that within a second, I would but I just couldn't. Two months have passed by and I have yet to completely erase him from my memory.

I can't believe I'm actually tearing at the time I'm writing this entry. I know as well no matter how much tears I've cried will never bring back the trust I once had for him neither will it bring back the good times we've shared.

Deep down inside, no matter how mad I am at him for cheating on me, I don't wish for him to give up doing what he's doing now. Before I end this heartbreaking entry for once again, my confession is, yes, I still miss him quite a lot despite he broke my heart into million of pieces that no one will be able to put them back together.

Mars and Venus

Note - This is a total irrelevant entry - not beauty or makeup or skincare related so, if you feel like skipping it, feel free to do so. I won't stop you for doing so. It's just sometimes, I feel the need to let out, that's all.

"A smile happens in a flash, but its memory can last a lifetime."

Memories are really weird. At the time when you least expect them the most, they can just cross your mind within a split second.

Just three months back, I thought my life would somehow be different from the day I got to know you - I thought my failure in relationships over the past years would disappear with your presence in my life.

Boy... how that really brings back a lot of memories, especially at the time when I first got to meet you in person after anticipating for quite some time. I remember how my heart skipped a bit when you asked me out for lunch and how I spent the whole afternoon, dressing and making up just so I could put my best self forward.

I remember how disappointed I was when you walked out of my life for the first time. I thought to myself, "Everything that we've built on trust is going to perish..." but in the end, you came back. You put back my broken heart with your return.




This song really brings back memories after memories of you and all your promises every time I listen to it. I wish things could be easier on me, just like how life moves on for you.

Friends were telling me me, "Angel, a guy like him doesn't deserve a second chance. There are a lot of guys better than him and for sure you'll meet your Mr. Right in no time. So, don't rush..." My decision back then was only to give both of us a second chance but never did it come across my mind whatever that takes place today is what I've brought upon myself.

I wasn't rushing honestly, I was hoping it could be him, that was all that was in my mind. I've never thought about second chance or anything - I just wanted it to be you and it was as simple as that.

I guess perhaps, Someone up there did not approve of us, somehow or rather, we drifted apart firstly with my absence for two weeks from KL. After that, everything went downhill. We communicated less and less... We talked to each other about ourselves less and less because I noticed you were ignoring me. Even though I thought to myself, "You are right, we shouldn't rush things, we should give ourselves more time to get to know each other better before we move on."

I wished hard for that day to happen because I thought you were different from all the jerks that I've met over the years. Perhaps you don't know, I was really thankful to God for sending me an angel when I needed someone but I was really, really, really wrong.

Despite how much tears that have flowed, I know you'll never come back because I was right when things went downhill for us, "You've met someone new."

There are just so many questions people around me are curious about. In fact, I wanted to just ditch all the memories about you - YES, I WILL DITCH ALL THE MEMORIES OF YOU but I still need some time because I need to do so since YOU ARE NOT A WORTHY PERSON.

Perhaps you are happy that I think you are not a worthy person because you're happily attached to someone I've least expected you to after all the promises you've made...

So, to answer all questions people have been throwing me, here goes nothing.

Of all the guys in the world, why him?
First and foremost, I have to agree to a saying that goes, "Love grows with time." I didn't decide that in 3 days but it all started with the flirts and "I miss you-s." I cannot answer the question of, "Why him?" but what I can say is, "I thought he is different."

Why did you give him a second chance despite having people around you telling you not to? You're arrogant!
I admit, I am arrogant but everyone deserves a second chance. He did nothing wrong back then, he walked out of my life and that was all - he didn't cheat, lie or anything, so, I thought by giving him a second chance meant giving both of us a second chance to go a step further.

You're an idiot, I told you not to do so already!
Yes, I am a total idiot in this game. Yes, you've told me so but what can I do now? The past is the past, I can only reminisce now.

What exactly did he do that makes you so disappointed and angry?
Alright, I actually intended to keep it between BFF, stupid sister, Vince and myself only but.... there are no secrets anyway... Well, he was the one who told me to be myself, to be honest and not to hide. So, I guess all those that he has told me were NOTHING BUT CRAPS!

Girls, you have to remember, whenever you're trying to impress a guy, never listen to all the crappy talks about, "Just be yourself," "I like the way you are," "You don't need to change anything for you're unique in your own ways," "Be honest because there's nothing to hide," or even, "Just be yourself."

THOSE ARE CRAPS!

When you are honest, he will just take it as an excuse that he's scared of you. In fact, this is the most stupid excuse ever happens in the history of dating. NEVER TRY TO BE YOURSELF! Sad but true, YOU HAVE TO IMPRESS HIM!

Blame it on myself for being stupid and lame because I thought he is different and it would do both of us good if we could be honest. Little did I guess, when I was trying to be honest, he was not.

All the talks about not rushing into a relationship is BULLSHIT because when I was slowing things down, on the contrary, he started a new relationship with someone he knew not long ago. So, WHO THE HELL WAS RUSHING? Was it him or was it me? He cut off all meant of communication between us and within a week or two, he started a new lovey-dovey relationship with someone more eligible than me, a doctor.

Vince came up with one conclusion, "That guy wasn't sincere from the beginning. A worthy guy never tells lies - he will never tell a girl to wait for him and then, gets attached with another girl and announces it over facebook. A worthy guy doesn't waste a girl's time, instead, if you're not meant to be, he will be honest with you. A worthy guy doesn't give empty promises because he knows the pain of being tormented by empty promises. A worthy guy will never let a girl waits for him even if it means he is not interested in her at all. A worthy guy is not childish because he knows the true value of relationship and if he toys with it, karma will strike. Cheer up, he is NOT a worthy guy and I'm sure you know that now. It's never too late to learn your lesson if you're willing to let go."

I guess at the moment Vince came up with his conclusion, I was already crying, yes, in public - we were at McD's. I wished and wished all those would never happen but it happened. I wished I would never have known you but it happened.

Now that you've known what he did to you, do you hate him?
Yes, I hated him and I hated the girl but who am I to hate them? I'm not God and no matter how much I wish karma would strike and they'd break up and that he'll end up being misery all his life but who am I to say all that? The thing I hate is the moment we've got to know each other - we shouldn't have been even friends or getting close to each other. So, instead of spending time to hate him, why not just get over it, right? Life without him is more colourful!

I want to know, do you REALLY hate him?
I did but I knew even if I did hate him, so what? He wouldn't care because he is happily attached to Miss Doctor and he wouldn't even give a shit to know what kinda life he has put me through, so, why waste my time to even think about this worthless guy?

Are you guys still friends?
I guess we are NOT friends at the moment I found out whatever he has told me in the past are nothing but lies and more lies. All the late nights "I miss you-s" are moronically nothing but lies because he was saying "I miss you" to me but who the hell would know he was thinking about Miss Doctor, since he never was honest.

Then, third chance?
HELL NO! He doesn't deserve any chance from any girl. Vince was right, even if he really ends up with Miss Doctor, they're building their relationship on my injury and pain, hence, God knows and I shouldn't dwell just because of a guy like him. I know perhaps, if he is reading this now, he'll be thinking, "Who the hell do you think you are, Angel? Don't even dream of me going back to you because you're totally worthless piece of shit and I've had fun toying with and you're ugly, fat and slutty, bitchy and stupid because you are not a doctor and not attractive!"

Honestly, right now I DON'T CARE because well... it's not important any longer. My future is more important than you.

Are you sane enough to say all those things now?
Pretty much - I am more towards neutral after letting out so many things.

Will you regret?
Regret? Why? Life is too precious to be wasted on someone like him! He's better off with her because I am not good enough for him that you know, I know, I am a high maintenance girl and I expect a lot from my partner. If you can't fulfill what I'm asking for, scram!

Then, forgive him if you don't give a damn!
I've told you already - who am I to be angry and who am I to forgive? If he seeks forgiveness, ask from God, not me.

Ahhh... too many questions to answer... Nevertheless... there's nothing more to say because we're not friends but we're not enemies. It goes the same like, I don't love him nor do I hate him. Let God do the rest because just like what Alice told me 4 years back, "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

A Letter to 16 Year-Old Me

*very much inspired to do this entry after reading Jolene's and also Aud's entries.

Dear 16 year-old me,

I guess it has never downed you that you'd be right where you are now, 10 years later.

PMR has just passed and you are having the finest honeymoon year without having to worry about SPM or even what future holds for you. Life is just too great, ain't it? Ah, PMR's result will be great for you, so, you don't need to worry about it. Daddy dearest even will get you a new mobile as a present for your good result, a Nokia 3310.


Comparing to what they have now, iPhone, HTC, Samsung and others, I'm sure you are already satisfied with a Nokia 3310. But guess what? Daddy dearest is gonna buy you a Nokia N82 somewhere 7 years later after you've graduated from UTAR.

Oh, did I mention UTAR? Yes, I did, you'd be going to UTAR and meet a bunch of GREAT friends!!!

You are a happily overweight teenage girl that has great friends and company, thus, the thought of losing weight has never come across your mind.

Little did you know that in 2 years to come, in 2003 and 2004, from overweight, you become obese and that was the starting point of your miserable life where people around you including your relatives make fun of you, being fat and also friends jeered at you for your weight problem.

Spending 2 terrible years keeping everything certainly does not help much but as another year gone by, you will meet a guy who sweeps you off your feet and you'll be carrying a torch for him for the next 5 years, Raph. Alas, he doesn't feel the same way as you do and soon, problems will come pouring in. Your friendship ends in later years because he will leave you stranded at KTM station close to midnight, misunderstands you and chooses not to trust you over lies. You will spend the next 2 months, crying yourself to sleep every night, wondering what you've done in the past that you deserve the way he treats you.

In between those 5 years, you will bump into the world's most notorious player, Brandon and guess what, you guys will somehow be attached but not officially since Brandon is in a relationship with a girl, who happens to be your friend. Well, Brandon will be the guy who shares your first kiss and hug with you.

Unexpected, but true. Okay, I've to admit, I was such a bitch but just read on...

After a thorough consideration and all, finally, you'll get over Brandon with the thought Raph is your everything. Then again, well... sad to tell you, you're wrong. He will never be anyone special this lifetime, yes, no.

You are really strong because you finally decides to ditch the thought of finding Mr. Right and spend a good 2 years trying to lose weight after that because you trust physical appearance is everything in this year. Hence, weighing at a shocking 91kg certainly doesn't get you anywhere. With so much hard work and moo-lah, finally, you shed 20kg in 2 years.

I know, I know, you'll NEVER even imagine how it feels to be so much lighter and looks so much better than your fat past!

Finally, after so much ups and downs in life, a semester before graduating, you will meet the world's WORST jerk and son-of-a-bitch. You will come to abhor him and wish that he'd be run over by a train and never reincarnate because that bastard actually has the nerve to ask you for moo-lah and also sex, quite forgetting you are brought up in a very strict Catholic and conservative family. Don't worry just yet, kiddo, you'll ditch this moron in 1.5 months because you just cannot stand his constant request for material and sexual needs. Oh, not forgetting, you are not so stupid to have given in to his beastly desires, so, you're not losing anything.

Hence, you will give up on finding love until a year later, when you finally will join UM, yes, UM, your dream university, to do your Masters.

OMG... I can't believe I've said it - kiddo, you'll be doing Masters in UM!!!

Life will be hectic but you are really, really and unbelievably strong to the point that friends address you as 'the iron lady.' You'll be doing 4 part time jobs while studying full-time in UM, hence, you are the iron lady of the millennium! After earning enough to travel, you went to Bangkok for your first ever overseas trip with Sherene and her sister!


You certainly do have the best travel time of your life with the world's best roomie, Sherene! You will be doing your first ever hair extension and also manicure in Bangkok with the sisters!

Life is meant to be enjoyed, you know? Hahahaha... Yes, you certainly did have the finest Masters years ever!

You will even join Starbucks, your favourite coffee company and work as a barista there. Those moments will forever be in memory because you will be pursued by an uncle who happens to be one of the VIPs working in Ambank. Then, there is another lawyer who resides in Australia will be approaching you. Nevertheless, you are not interested in them.

Other than that, remember that I've told you that you will take up 4 different jobs to support yourself? One of them is lecturing in a college, in which, when you first start out, you find yourself hating the job so much but after a year or so, you fall in love with the job and hoping you would be able to lecture in colleges or universities but somehow or rather, the administrative staff in that college sucks that in the end, you will resign after 1.5 years.

Hence, since you will be occupied with so many things in life, you somehow managed to lose another 10kg with so much stresses lying right ahead of you. It's not a bad thing considering you've been thinking to lose weight since you are a teenager.

The thought of bumping into Mr. Right never will cross your mind after 2007 until you meet this guy on 12th March 2011, in which, somehow, I'm not sure what is happening, you kinda fall in love with Euvern. Yes, falling in love after 4 years of being a single. Throughout the time you've come to know this guy, you'll realize he's kinda different from the other jerks. Unfortunately, your prediction will be wrong because he breaks your heart too.

Stupid sister will try to warn you not to fall in love too soon but alas, you and your hot and hard headedness never listens to her as usual, thus, sad but true, Euvern breaks your heart in the end. As much as you will then, hope that you guys did not start out even as a friend, still, your 26 year-old me can't do anything to stop fate and destiny.

That is part and puzzle of life, I guess. Luckily you are still as strong as you are before. You are able to pull through and realize life is better even without his presence because he has made you realize there's no perfect love in this world. From then on, you'll believe life is all about yourself and not about relationship for you. So, after that point of time, you'll stop trusting your once ago, known as fairy-tale love.

It isn't so bad, kiddo. Life is still great without any of the guys because you don't really need them. As much as I do know you are scared of growing old alone but if life is all about bumping into Mr. Wrongs that keep on breaking your fragile heart, then, growing old and dying alone aren't such a big deal after all.

Hence, the 26 year-old you right now, is working really hard to try to finish her thesis so that she can graduate by December 2011, thus leaving this land of heartbreaks and stresses forever. No, you won't have the intention to come back here again if you have the chance to leave. So, you are now, even taking up a job so that you will not spend time thinking of those jerks who has broke your heart besides earning a little extra moo-lah to support yourself.

Dearest 16 year-old me, if the 26 year-old me has the chance to turn back the time, I would want the time to stop right on 11th March 2011 because 12th March 2011 will be the time where your life takes a big turn and your perceptions towards a lot of stuffs will change.

You will then, start to wonder what did you do wrong to deserve all these guys coming into your life. You will blame God for letting these insignificant guys into your life and that why would He wants to break your heart over and over because all these guys treat you the same way - perhaps you are just insignificant in their lives too since there are girls who are far prettier, sexier, curvier, smarter and also more understanding than you are.

Don't blame yourself, kiddo. I know you never ask to be born this way but yes, the only trait in you that makes other awe is that you REALLY are a very strong person!

Kiddo, do work harder! We will meet again 10 years later when you're 26 while I am 36 then.

Good luck!

Much Love,

The 26 year-old me.

Can you lend me your shoulders?

I was crying pretty bad last night, hence it explains my sudden disappearance from blogosphere, MSN and also Facebook. Yeah, I pretty much wet my mattress and pillows, thus, I slept on the floor.

What a confession?!

But things aren't so bad, really.

I come to know there are people like me out there.

Turmoils and bad memories of past relationships do haunt, I mean, for God knows how long. I understand the feeling of being dumped, played, toyed and cheated on. I was in a worse situation than those mentioned above. It does take MORE than time to heal. I do believe him when he told me, "Time does heal the wound but the scar will be there forever."

True enough, the bad scarring that was left by the ex haunts me for 4 years already. I didn't dare to get into new relationships because I was terrified of guys. I was and am scared that when guys approach you, all that are in their minds are sex and cash. Due to all that, I stayed away from love, I didn't wanna find love and didn't want to do anything related to male-female stuffs.

Perhaps, those were just another cases of stupid cupids, I don't know.

4 years back, just half year before I got to know him, I was in a tormented relationship with this asshole and it left me NOT wanting to ever, ever get into any relationships ever again! I told myself, there isn't any guy that's worth waiting or crying for, therefore, I shouldn't have my youth wasted on any guy.

When I first met him, honestly, there were no sparkles or anything but it overall, I had a good impression on him. If I were given the chance, I would like to get to know him better but I guess chances weren't there. The timing was off - I was scared to even be friend with the person of opposite gender.

*hits self*

*langgar dinding*

*bites self*

*pinches self*

When he told me how scared or terrified he is to be in another new relationship due to the bitter memories of the past, imagine what kinda situation I was in. I wished I could be strong enough to tell him that he's gotta walk out of the shadow or else it'd haunt him forever. It happened to me.

It took not only courage to do so - really.

It took like years of my youth time, effort and also supports and loves from everyone around me!

It shook me real hard that no matter how hard I wished I could be in a serious relationship, because of all the tremors, I just couldn't force myself into one - I even lied to my pursuers that I was attached and that I would be getting married soon so that they'd just stay away from me.

So, that was how scared I was...

I guess after today, I'm REALLY positive that life is NEVER about relationships for me. It'll never be. Maybe what I have had in my premonition is true after all.

My life will FOREVER revolves around studies, work and also few close friends.

Perhaps, it's time for me to come to the realization that my life will be in such a way that it'll never change for as long as I live.

Hence, I promise myself...

I will not dwell in what had happened, instead I will move on with courage.
I will not go and search around for what that is not meant for me.
I will not be bothered with relationships any longer.

Instead...

I will put more effort into making life a better place for myself.
I will learn to love myself more.
I will be counting my blessings everyday.

Probably with passing time, I'll be able to embrace what my life is and just carry on living without worries.

I WILL BE BETTER, I PROMISE!