Confidence in finding love

I'm going to blog about something that is very close to my heart - dating.

To some of you, dating may be effortless and easily done but for me, I've gone through waves and waves of tears, disappointments and heartbreaks to be able to stand where I am today and tell the world and everyone out there, "I've pulled through and I am still alive!"

Growing up in a very conservative family, we didn't talk much about love, relationship and sex. I never knew the feeling of being "in love" or even being somebody else's girlfriend. I could never understand the mentality or guys pursuing girls or the other way around. 

You can or more less put the blame on my weight for being ignorant because all I knew back then wasn't about love, relationship, boyfriend or girlfriend - it was about the love for food.

Staying with my grandparents made food even more accessible. My grandparents would feed me to the point my stomach would explode from being too full. I basically ate everything I could set my hands on. Life was wonderful. My life was filled with the love for all the food I could stuff in my mouth. For me, the feeling of full from eating was pure love. I had a perfect relationship with food.

There wasn't even once, I thought about finding a person to be in relationship with. I had the mentality that the right person will just "appear" when the time comes.

I was wrong.

When my weight ballooned up to 93kg, I was devastated. I was being bullied and picked on by other students in my high school. Other than being one of the weakest students in my class, I was the fattest. I wasn't even gentle and ladylike, just like another friend of mine who was about the same weight as I was. Some of the teachers disliked me, I knew my weight was one of the reasons why they disliked me. 

It was until when I was 15 years old, I felt the urge of needing to lose weight because all the friends around me were either slim or skinny. Things got worse when I finally felt it - butterflies in my stomach. Cupid stroke at the time you least expected. The feeling was indescribable. I felt it every time I met Eric*.

*name has been changed to avoid issues and misunderstandings.

I felt the need to lose weight because I wanted Eric to feel the same way I did. I wanted to attract Eric's attention and I wanted him to notice me. My urge to lose weight wasn't strong enough. I began piling on more weight when Eric's friends made fun of him, saying that, "Hey, Eric, you've got a fat girl waiting for you outside the classroom!"

I could pretty much understood the embarrassment Eric had to go through every single day if I were anywhere close to him. True enough you shouldn't be affected by what others say about you but sometimes, you can't help but these talks actually kill you from the inside. 

There goes your self-confidence and self-love.

I began hating myself and thinking of ways to hurt myself because I knew nobody would like to even be friend with a fat girl. I remember how envious I was towards my friends when they actually had guys pursuing them. I hated myself. I hated my life. I hate everything and everyone around me.

Once, when a guy started to approach me, I thought, "This is it! He's pursuing me!"

I was wrong. He was merely using me to get to my best friend. I was hurt from deep within. I stopped wishing or praying for a guy to pursue me because I knew no guy wants to me with a fat girl especially if you're in a typical Asian country.

My self-confidence dropped to a level where I totally turned to food. The urge to lose weight because I wanted to impress Eric, failed. 

It wasn't until I got to know Ninja* at the age of 17. He was exactly the guy whom I wanted to be with - tall, fit, handsome and most importantly of all, he's a Catholic. I was a little obsessed about him that I started to daydream about marrying this "perfect" guy. I knew I was the one who was carrying the torch for Ninja but there wasn't much I could do when I clearly knew that a perfect guy like him would be asking for a perfect girlfriend. I knew I wasn't the one but still, I persevere because I thought God would create miracle.

At that time, I was around 88kg.

I was having the mentality that Ninja would be "the one" because he was the one who advised me so much on having to love myself the way I am. I thought to myself, "He is the one! At last there is a guy who doesn't mind a having a bigger girlfriend."

I was wrong - very, very wrong!

Reality finally hit me - I got to know Ninja was into another girl who was so much prettier and slimmer and perhaps smarter than me, my heart broke. I wasn't able to accept the fact that I failed for once again.

It made my self-confidence dropped below negative. I was miserable. I felt like dying. I didn't want to live anymore. I cried myself to sleep for the next two months and knew if I didn't do anything about my weight, I would be miserable the rest of my life and that nobody would accept me the way I was. 

Thus, I embarked on a journey to find myself and to learn to love again but this time around, I knew I had to learn to love myself.

It took me years and years to be where I am today because throughout the years, trying to look for Mr. Right, I had met a series of assholes and players. There was a point of life where I thought I could change a person but believe me, I've learn it the hard way - nobody can change anyone unless he or she wants to change for better.

Few friends of mine made quite sarcastic comment that I didn't pray hard enough, that's why God doesn't lead Mr. Right to me. That was one of the remarks that I hated most. You are not me, how do you know I didn't pray hard enough? Sometimes, I wish God would just speak to me. I wish He could tell me what wrongs did I do to deserve all those sarcasms from people around me. All those unkind remarks had make me steered away from topics about dating, relationship and love.

Then, I began channeling energy to a different thing - weight loss.

I knew very well that my weight was one of the barriers that set love away because majority guys are looking at slimmer girls. Being born an Asian, even if you are slightly meaty, people would address you as fat. If you are fat, people would always associate you with lazy. When you are lazy, you basically will never have a good life.

I wanted to change that. I didn't want to be associated with fat, ugly or lazy. I knew I wanted to feel loved and to be confident of myself again. It took me 10 whole years to realize what I have always wanted and to be where I am today. I worked hard to shed 40kg off and even up to this very day, I am still trying hard to lose more weight.

I have to admit. My confidence increases with more weight that I have lost. All of a sudden, I found guys started to flock around me - not a lot of them but there were few. However, still, I couldn't seem to find Mr. Right. I was devastated that I finally gave up looking. I left my hometown for good because I didn't want to be reminded of a failure I was. I started caring less and less of the materialistic things around me and learning to accept myself the way I am.

Little did I know, when I finally learned to love myself and stop being too hard on myself, Mr. Right actually tagged along. To my surprise, he has been always around me but I was too busy pursuing somebody else whom is not my destiny. I couldn't deny the fact that I was stupid enough for ignoring the fact that he was there all these times. When we finally made it official, it suddenly struck me, when you start to love yourself and careless about other things, you will start to feel happy and confident about yourself. When you are happy and confident about yourself, Mr. Right will tag along.

So, now, if you want to know, I am still not any better than I was in the past but at least, Mr. Right has taught me so many things in life and one of it is to ignore all the negative people and vibes around me and to focus on being happy with what I have.

Why?

As I am documenting each of my feeling down right now, all that I am feeling - I miss you more than words could say. Sometimes, I wish things would stay the way it is from the very beginning but somehow, our relationship took a big turn and our lives are changed - forever.

We started out more than just enemies - we hated each other. We couldn't tolerate the sight of each other. We got annoyed at each other's name. We pretty much did not get along well.

There were times I wished you were not in my way but somehow, fate always seems to prove things will forever happen the opposite of what we have always wanted - our paths crossed. There you were, not my knight in shining armor but my worst nightmare ever.

As time passed by, things started to take their tolls. Little did we know, all the hatred we had for each other would blossom into friendship - a friendship that I never even imagined.

Things got a little complicated and then on, we were suddenly 老公 and 老婆. It wasn't intended - all that happened was that I was hoping you would pay a little bit more attention during class rather than chit-chatting with your friends. You may think I am an idiot but the trick did work - I started to see you paying more attention during class.

Well... we managed to clear our misunderstanding and soon, we started talking more to each other. It was then, I came to realize that we were similar in so many ways. Even those around us were telling us that we were the opposite gender of each other. I guess it could be one of the reasons we hit it off.

From talking to each other to messaging to whatsapp-ing to hanging out.

Do you remember the time when I visited Miri with some of our friends? 

You told me, you were not that close to these friends and yet, you still came because I asked you to. You made yourself available on those two days just to come and see us?

Even though your place is a little bit far away from where we were staying, it did not stop you from meeting up with us.

I wasn't exactly in a good mood at that time but somehow, you managed to cheer me up with your typical annoying jokes.

Do you remember the time when I met your mum for the first time?

Honestly, I wasn't quite prepared for it because I wasn't expecting auntie to want to meet up. My heart was pounding so fast that it almost fell out when I was waiting for you and auntie to arrive. I kept my sanity because I knew I was the one being paranoid.

When you finally sent us off on our last day in Miri, I was feeling weird. That feeling was just like butterflies in the stomach.

It suddenly struck me...

Perhaps, in the past, both of us were too busy hating each other to even notice, "Hey, that's a real awesome person you've got there!"

I seriously did not know why but as days went by, I found myself doing little things for you. On your side, I noticed you were doing the same thing. These were the things that put smiles on our faces as we braced each and every day.

I didn't even get to thank your mum for the yummy cheesecake and the CNY red packet that she sent. Well.. she had to get you to send the cakes and red packets to travel with you to me. Oh, oh... that was the time when you met my parents for the first time too.

The time when you fell sick and your mum called and asked for my help to send you to the hospital, honestly, I wasn't feeling too good myself. I knew I was worried about you but I was too sick to drive that I had to get my sister to be our driver. I ended up vomiting in the car =.="

What a sight to behold!

After that all of us spent the next few hours in the hospital.

Do you remember the first time you stayed over at my place? 

My mum whipped up a simple traditional Chinese chicken mee sua with boiled egg for your dinner? You were enjoying the meal because you told me the mee sua's texture was unique and you had never come across it in Miri.

Fast forward to early March 2015...

I had finally gotten my long-awaited trip to Belawai...

Little did I know you had a little surprise prepared for me at Belawai.

It was a birthday surprise!

I was at a loss of words when you and your friends took out a birthday cake out of nowhere and started to sing the birthday song to me.

To be honest, I felt the butterflies in my stomach again but I ignored it.

I was ready to cry but I held my tears because I knew crying would make me look ugly on a joyful day which was to be celebrated.

You told me, "Sorry, the cake is kinda melting because there is no fridge at my place. The girl at the bakery told me that Tiramisu is the only cake that could last without fridge - hence, the ugly cake."

It was a fruitful day for me because of you and your friends - I was honestly very, very touched and happy. I guess, I managed to hide my feelings quite well.

By the time the day ended, I was dead tired. I fell asleep in the car and this was what you did to me!

I mean, seriously?!

It was really a tiring day - all of us woke up at 5 to get ourselves ready for our Belawai trip and by the time it ended, I didn't even realized I had fallen asleep on our way back home.

I certainly didn't realize what happened but everything between us happened so fast that we started attending events together and soon, we were labelled as 'they come in pair'.

It was really weird - when we were on our own, you would never tease me but when there were friends around, sometimes, I felt like you went over the limit. I told myself that you didn't mean it because those were jokes. Well, I guess there is truth when people say that you get angry or mad because you care, right?

Do you remember the time when you had to go to each and every bakery around town just to custom-made my double-storey birthday cake? 

You told me you were a bit frustrated because you knew how much I wanted triple-storey birthday cake and you couldn't find any bakery that would accept your order. You resorted to ask my sister for help in the end. My sister was laughing and telling me that, "No, you shouldn't get a triple-storey birthday cake for Angel because that means she's gonna be 30 so, get a double-storey cake instead!"

I almost couldn't believe it when you pushed the trolley towards me while singing the birthday song the second time this year. I was very, very, very touched... again, I held back the tears because I was pretending to be the cool kid next door.

Look at my happy face!

When you knew I wasn't having a good day, you would go, "Let's do waffles and pancakes!"

You knew how much I loved waffles and pancakes, just like yourself.

Honestly, I could never imagine how my life would be if you were not there for me. I was thankful and grateful for having you next to me but somehow, good thing always comes to an end.

I had to leave for KL.

I was heavy-hearted but I lied that I wasn't. I lied to each and everyone around me that I wasn't feeling a thing because I knew between you and me, there would never be anything. Again, I pretended to be cool. On the day of my departure, I was really hoping you would at least give me a hug but you didn't.

You saw me getting out of the car and yet, there wasn't even a goodbye.

It broke my heart but I knew you have your reasons for not doing so. I told myself, I didn't wanna know why but I couldn't avoid asking, "Hey, why didn't you give me a goodbye hug? Don't you feel heavy-hearted when I left?"

Your answer was, "I wanted to but there were others around so I didn't do it... Furthermore, I know myself too well. I am scared if I hugged you then, I wouldn't want to let go."

Butterflies in the stomach - again.

I guess God was trying to test my patience. In every friendship or relationship, there is bound to be love and hate.

At the time you denied me, I told myself, "Perhaps, this was only a dream - a dream that I wish would go on forever."

Hearts are left broken with the words left unspoken.

I never really came to realization how true this phrase was.

The time when you told me, "Between us, there is nothing and there never will be anything. I wasn't pursuing you and you will definitely meet a guy who's better than me."

My heart bled. I cried, but, why?

There was nothing I could do. All of a sudden, I felt the distance between us - we were one South China Sea apart from each other.

I started to question God... did I meet the right person at the wrong time?

God, if You were listening or even reading this, is generation or age gap keeping us away from each other?

Why, me?

Why, him?

Why did things have to develop just to have them destroyed again?

If I have to choose to be honest, God, there isn't a day spent without thinking about him. However, I come to understand that there is no point holding on because between us, there are just too many impossibilities.

For once, I will continue to persevere and pretend that nothing happened because just as you have put it, you will definitely meet a better girl in the future and I am pretty certain she would be way better than me. She would be the one who would melt your heart. She would be the one who would hold on to you.

Good luck!

Blessed birthday, Angel

Before my birthday month comes to an end, I figure out, I should be doing this entry because this year's birthday was a blast!

I totally didn't see it coming at all - thank you to all the wonderful people around me. Thank you for making my birthday a memorable one this year! Thank you for reminding how blessed my life is having all of you next to me.

My birthday this year was a week-long celebration!

So, the first ever celebration was truly a surprise. Well... I was pretty much taken aback by the plan... I didn't know my BEE students would plan a trip to the much anticipated beach, Belawai.

Plus, getting a cake, secretly praying that the cake wouldn't melt because there is no fridge in the hostel. Seriously, I was so, so speechless when I saw the cake... I almost teared up...

These people even took a quite embarrassing video of me...

Thank you, you guys - I seriously wept silently because I was touched but I was too ego to show you all my tears.

The celebration continues with yet another surprise planned by the sisters.

And thank you to my personal angel, the hubs, for the two-tiered birthday cakes... even though I did smell something fishy but you totally caught me off guard the cakes! Again, I was ready to cry...

Thank you to the best hubs ever... I owe you one and hopefully you can claim it back some day in future. Well, I may forget though...

At the same time, food was great!

However, the most touching scene would be to see all my students from different programmes coming together to celebrate my birthday.

Thank for making my day as well as making me feeling I'm the most lucky person on Earth.

Something extra the next day - a birthday mug cake from dear Justina...

I seriously enjoyed the mug cake so, so much!

During the last day of my service, some of my colleagues surprised me with a birthday cake! Well, I wasn't really expected that from them at all.

Thank you, all of you wonderful people!

On the very same day, four more BBA students showed up in my office with another surprise! How thoughtful of them!

I'm happy but at the same time upset - I know I am going to miss these wonderful people so, so much!

Next up was another birthday celebration with my fellow students whom I have taught from their foundation year to their degree years.

I can't express my heartfelt gratitude to know all of you. You guys are just like the little brothers and sisters that I never have.

On the actual birthday, I celebrated the day with my best girlfriends and sister.

We went over to Penthouse Cafe & Bar by Kingwood Hotel.

Food wasn't that great but prices are at a whooping whoooooosssshh!

We didn't really mind much of the prices but for the quality of the food and services we got, it wasn't worth it.

However, having my girlfriends celebrating the day with me - worth it!

The following day, went out with Mr. C for birthday dinner at Cafe Cafe.

Cafe Cafe has to be my all time favourite restaurant - food, price and service were great!

Not forgetting, the Apple Crumble was really, really awesome too!

The next celebration was with Su Ting at The Coffee Code - my favourite hangout because of the yummy waffles!

Su Ting ordered my favourite Black Code Waffle and even the co-owner of cafe, Lydia, made a special appearance during our photo-taking session.

Thank you, my dear!

The following celebration was with Hwa and Tyng at La Vino.

All the dishes were great but when I saw Hwa chomping own on the 70% raw lamb, I was a little terrified because aside from raw Salmon, I don't take any other raw food.

Well, Hwa said it was nice though.

We ended our day at Wikitea but I was too full to even order any drink...

Hwa was being unfair - he ordered his drink and he had somebody to share the drink with.

Seriously, I did enjoy myself so, so much being with the siblings!

Next day, finally, met up with my then, current batch of foundation students for a simple birthday cum farewell lunch...

Crapped too much during the gathering and suddenly, I had the feeling that soon, I would be missing this bunch of noisy kids.

The next day - it was the day I leave a place I call home, for good. It was quite an emo day because all that had been whirling in my mind - the hubs. I was a little heavy-hearted to leave him behind but there wasn't much I could do.

Once I got to KL, my BFF called me out for a belated birthday celebration at Tony Roma's.

Dinner was okay but again, it was the company that matters.

My third day back in KL, the brother took me out for another belated birthday lunch.

I know what some of you may be thinking.

I have to admit, I am getting older and quite honestly, I do not want to be 30 but time and tide wait for no man... here I am, happy 30th birthday to me.

Loved the Spaghetti Aglio Olio. It was something different from what I usually had - meat, meat, meat and more meat! It was kinda refreshing!

The last birthday celebration for 2015 ended with a dinner date with Mr. Ho.

I seriously enjoyed his company and of course my plate of Deconstructed Beef Salad so, so much!

Once again, thank you to all of you out there for making me feel warm and thankful that I am still alive in the wonderful world.

Happy 30th birthday to me, myself and I... hopefully I would stay healthy, happy, pretty and sexy all year round!

14 things I learn in 2014

Happy 2015!

My greetings come late but it's better late than never, right?

To be honest, I am more than just happy that 2014 has flown by.

Therefore, I would like to conclude the saying that goes, "Human beings grow wiser as they age." I am not implying that I am wise or smart but at the very least, I know I have learned 14 new things in 2014. These 14 new things have totally changed my perspectives in life.

Life is supposed to be simple but due to too many pressures from people and material needs around us, somehow, life becomes complicated.

Let's wind back to what I have learned in 2014.

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My immature mind forever thought that friends are equal to colleagues and that we should get along well. I guess in all kind of working environment, you will be spotting office politics - people trying to bring you down, people resenting you, people who just cannot bear having you around and all others.

Above all, the scariest one would be the hypocrite.

Being nice on the surface and trying to backstab you afterwards just because they think it is alright to do so.

Sometimes, I think I am indeed idiotic enough to have trusted so many of such kind of people at workplaces. I used to label them as "friends" and now, I come to understand that there are differences between friends and colleagues.

Point to remember - your colleagues will never be your friends!

As age catches up, I guess being a female homo-sapien, we get more worried because very often, people around us would be telling us that, "A girl's market value decreases as they age."

I do not know how true that statement is but being a Chinese, I guess you can't help but to feel dejected but human beings can only plan while God decides. Instead of feeling bad about why love hasn't found me, why not spend some time to just learn that things happen for a reason?

In 2014, I have learned that love takes two to tango and it takes time to grow.

True enough - love is built on the foundation of a strong friendship.

I have to thank this person whom has always been there for me be it when I am happy or sad. It may have taken me a while to realize he has always been there but then again, things happen for a reason. As much as I wish we are meant to be, still, good things do not come easily.

If we are meant to be, things will fall together one day.

Throughout my life before 2014, my goal was to make people around me happy. If they were unhappy, my mood got affected and honestly, my day would be affected to the point I would not have any motivation to do anything.

In August 2014, after talking to a friend, I finally realized that the first rule of life is that you, as the main character in your life, should be happy. When you are happy, you will make people happy.

"When you are unhappy, there is no point trying to make everybody else happy."

"Being happy is all that matters."

I can honestly tell you, the person who has taught me so much about friendship and trust is no one else but this friend of mine, Chung Siang. The first person whom I always think of when the topic of friendship comes about is him.

We have come a long way - from ICQ stranger to a brother whom I never had. He has taught me so much about accepting people the way they are, being at your best is what it counts and that learning to love yourself is the most important thing in your life.

Part of who I am today - all thanks to him... he trusted I could be a better person and I trusted he would be guiding me along the way.

Thank you, Chung Siang, for trusting me and teaching how to trust again.

Special thanks to two special someone who has never ceased to be there for me - dong-sen-s, John and Emme - for everything.

I used to think that life will be better if everyone likes me. Hence, I tried my best to please those around me to the point I couldn't take it anymore.

I asked myself, "What do I get in return?"

You may be thinking, your life will be like a dream if people like you but bear in mind, there will be someone in your life that will dislike you no matter what you do.

Point to remember - it doesn't matter whether other people like your or not, the important thing is that, keep your head high and tell yourself, "I am all that matters."

Being an open book means that you are giving chances to people to read your mind or to hurt you. I come to learn in 2014 that you should never be an open book.

True enough, it may be difficult for people to get to know about you but at the same time, it also gives a chance for people to personally attack you.

Finally, I come to understand what Forrest Gump has said is right.

Let your life be like a box of chocolates - never give any chance to people to read you like an open book.

It feels like yesterday that I have just known this person but honestly, human beings are fast to judge. When we first got to know each other, the first impression just wasn't there.

Through time, I learned that he is a friend who is responsible, kind, humble, family oriented and well... he may look serious all the times with the MEH-ness but still... for me, he is a blessing in disguise.

Thank you, for being there :)

I seriously hate pretending to be someone I am not. There are times when people would tell you, "Girls have be be ladylike - you are not being one!"

I have to admit - there are two sides of me. I can be a girly girl but at the same time, there is another side of me who is more sporty and maybe a little tomboy-ish.

Those two sides of me defines who I really am but why do I have to listen to people telling me, "You've gotta pretend to be who you are not sometimes."

Why do I have to pretend?

To make you happy?

In 2015, I will make sure I will stop pretending to be who I am not.

Sure enough we all love a helpful person but sometimes, being too helpful is not a good thing. People may just use it as an excuse to go against you.

We learn about giving and taking in life.

Never give out but never take anything back.

Moderation is the key!

In communication, more than often, whatever a person says maybe wrongly interpreted by the other person. That explains miscommunication in a lot of situations.

Sometimes, things that we say are not being fully understood by the other person because as human beings, we tend to jump into conclusions very often.

Therefore, in 2014, I guess I have made quite a number of enemies because I can be pretty blatant and straight-forward to the point people may dislike me for saying certain truth.

Hence, I have learned that I am only responsible for what I say, whether or not you fully understood what I have said, that's not my responsibility.

I always thought I have higher standards when it comes to life because I am a person who expects a lot from other people. I know I may sound scary at times but then, to have a standard is better than not having any at all.

There was one time in my life that I told myself, "Perhaps, I should lower my expectations."

I did and I regretted.

One thing I have learned that in life, if people want to be in your life, they should raise their standards, not you lowering your standards. Lowering your standards indirectly means you are dumping your self-respect.

Respect yourself and never apologize for having high standards.

Waking up to beautiful mornings, how many of us actually feels thankful for the day?

For once, I am found guilty... I never thank God for a beautiful day and for a healthy body. Instead, when problems arise, I would put the blame on God for not putting Himself in my shoes.

In 2014, I learned that being thankful for what you have is important.

Not everyone has the chance to be who and what you are. God doesn't create everyone equally. There are reasons why certain people are better or worse than you.

Be thankful of what you have and you'll learn that life can be joyous too.

We have heard about life is all about taking chances but how many of us actually do take the chances?

Life is a gamble - if you do not take the chance, the possibility may be that you will lose the chance forever because time and tide wait for no man.

If you know what is wrong with your life, why not take the chance and make your life better?

Every step that you are going to take counts and it will shape you to who you are in future.

Point to remember - overcome your fear and step out of your comfort zone!

I learn that through a slap on my face.

Not everyone can be honest but when people are honest, you have gotta make sure you are able to take it.

Never expect cheap people to be honest with you because whatever they say will be cheap and it's not honesty.

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So... those are the 14 things I have learned in 2014.

Hopefully 2015 will be kinder to me...