Confidence in finding love

I'm going to blog about something that is very close to my heart - dating.

To some of you, dating may be effortless and easily done but for me, I've gone through waves and waves of tears, disappointments and heartbreaks to be able to stand where I am today and tell the world and everyone out there, "I've pulled through and I am still alive!"

Growing up in a very conservative family, we didn't talk much about love, relationship and sex. I never knew the feeling of being "in love" or even being somebody else's girlfriend. I could never understand the mentality or guys pursuing girls or the other way around. 

You can or more less put the blame on my weight for being ignorant because all I knew back then wasn't about love, relationship, boyfriend or girlfriend - it was about the love for food.

Staying with my grandparents made food even more accessible. My grandparents would feed me to the point my stomach would explode from being too full. I basically ate everything I could set my hands on. Life was wonderful. My life was filled with the love for all the food I could stuff in my mouth. For me, the feeling of full from eating was pure love. I had a perfect relationship with food.

There wasn't even once, I thought about finding a person to be in relationship with. I had the mentality that the right person will just "appear" when the time comes.

I was wrong.

When my weight ballooned up to 93kg, I was devastated. I was being bullied and picked on by other students in my high school. Other than being one of the weakest students in my class, I was the fattest. I wasn't even gentle and ladylike, just like another friend of mine who was about the same weight as I was. Some of the teachers disliked me, I knew my weight was one of the reasons why they disliked me. 

It was until when I was 15 years old, I felt the urge of needing to lose weight because all the friends around me were either slim or skinny. Things got worse when I finally felt it - butterflies in my stomach. Cupid stroke at the time you least expected. The feeling was indescribable. I felt it every time I met Eric*.

*name has been changed to avoid issues and misunderstandings.

I felt the need to lose weight because I wanted Eric to feel the same way I did. I wanted to attract Eric's attention and I wanted him to notice me. My urge to lose weight wasn't strong enough. I began piling on more weight when Eric's friends made fun of him, saying that, "Hey, Eric, you've got a fat girl waiting for you outside the classroom!"

I could pretty much understood the embarrassment Eric had to go through every single day if I were anywhere close to him. True enough you shouldn't be affected by what others say about you but sometimes, you can't help but these talks actually kill you from the inside. 

There goes your self-confidence and self-love.

I began hating myself and thinking of ways to hurt myself because I knew nobody would like to even be friend with a fat girl. I remember how envious I was towards my friends when they actually had guys pursuing them. I hated myself. I hated my life. I hate everything and everyone around me.

Once, when a guy started to approach me, I thought, "This is it! He's pursuing me!"

I was wrong. He was merely using me to get to my best friend. I was hurt from deep within. I stopped wishing or praying for a guy to pursue me because I knew no guy wants to me with a fat girl especially if you're in a typical Asian country.

My self-confidence dropped to a level where I totally turned to food. The urge to lose weight because I wanted to impress Eric, failed. 

It wasn't until I got to know Ninja* at the age of 17. He was exactly the guy whom I wanted to be with - tall, fit, handsome and most importantly of all, he's a Catholic. I was a little obsessed about him that I started to daydream about marrying this "perfect" guy. I knew I was the one who was carrying the torch for Ninja but there wasn't much I could do when I clearly knew that a perfect guy like him would be asking for a perfect girlfriend. I knew I wasn't the one but still, I persevere because I thought God would create miracle.

At that time, I was around 88kg.

I was having the mentality that Ninja would be "the one" because he was the one who advised me so much on having to love myself the way I am. I thought to myself, "He is the one! At last there is a guy who doesn't mind a having a bigger girlfriend."

I was wrong - very, very wrong!

Reality finally hit me - I got to know Ninja was into another girl who was so much prettier and slimmer and perhaps smarter than me, my heart broke. I wasn't able to accept the fact that I failed for once again.

It made my self-confidence dropped below negative. I was miserable. I felt like dying. I didn't want to live anymore. I cried myself to sleep for the next two months and knew if I didn't do anything about my weight, I would be miserable the rest of my life and that nobody would accept me the way I was. 

Thus, I embarked on a journey to find myself and to learn to love again but this time around, I knew I had to learn to love myself.

It took me years and years to be where I am today because throughout the years, trying to look for Mr. Right, I had met a series of assholes and players. There was a point of life where I thought I could change a person but believe me, I've learn it the hard way - nobody can change anyone unless he or she wants to change for better.

Few friends of mine made quite sarcastic comment that I didn't pray hard enough, that's why God doesn't lead Mr. Right to me. That was one of the remarks that I hated most. You are not me, how do you know I didn't pray hard enough? Sometimes, I wish God would just speak to me. I wish He could tell me what wrongs did I do to deserve all those sarcasms from people around me. All those unkind remarks had make me steered away from topics about dating, relationship and love.

Then, I began channeling energy to a different thing - weight loss.

I knew very well that my weight was one of the barriers that set love away because majority guys are looking at slimmer girls. Being born an Asian, even if you are slightly meaty, people would address you as fat. If you are fat, people would always associate you with lazy. When you are lazy, you basically will never have a good life.

I wanted to change that. I didn't want to be associated with fat, ugly or lazy. I knew I wanted to feel loved and to be confident of myself again. It took me 10 whole years to realize what I have always wanted and to be where I am today. I worked hard to shed 40kg off and even up to this very day, I am still trying hard to lose more weight.

I have to admit. My confidence increases with more weight that I have lost. All of a sudden, I found guys started to flock around me - not a lot of them but there were few. However, still, I couldn't seem to find Mr. Right. I was devastated that I finally gave up looking. I left my hometown for good because I didn't want to be reminded of a failure I was. I started caring less and less of the materialistic things around me and learning to accept myself the way I am.

Little did I know, when I finally learned to love myself and stop being too hard on myself, Mr. Right actually tagged along. To my surprise, he has been always around me but I was too busy pursuing somebody else whom is not my destiny. I couldn't deny the fact that I was stupid enough for ignoring the fact that he was there all these times. When we finally made it official, it suddenly struck me, when you start to love yourself and careless about other things, you will start to feel happy and confident about yourself. When you are happy and confident about yourself, Mr. Right will tag along.

So, now, if you want to know, I am still not any better than I was in the past but at least, Mr. Right has taught me so many things in life and one of it is to ignore all the negative people and vibes around me and to focus on being happy with what I have.

My 2015

Happy New Year 2016!

Honestly, I think everyone of us has gone through a series of events, be it fortunate or unfortunate, throughout the year 2015. One thing I know for sure, 2015 has somehow impacted me in quite a number of ways. I know I am quite a bit late in posting my recap of the year 2015 but here goes.

January 2015

There wasn't much going on in January since I was pretty occupied with work. I was rushing in between several different faculties and at the same time, I was busy marking final examination papers for my foundation and degree students.  I wanted to spend some time to get to know more people but I couldn't - I was tied down by commitment at work. 

I practically had no life. Then, I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to resign due to several issues. I tendered my resignation on the 8th of January. 

A part of me felt so relieved because I know I just had to hold on for 3 more months until my resignation takes effect.

February 2015

It's Lunar New Year month! It was the long-awaited holidays for me because I was terribly in need of a break. I was so stressed out from seeing faces I dislike in my previous organization and on top of that, the stress from work was slowly killing me from the inside.

I looked forward to the Lunar New Year because I knew it would be the last New Year celebrated with my students. I was pretty adamant that after 2015, none of them would be coming to my place anymore but well, that's another story for another day.

March 2015

My life started to slow down as March approached. Hence, I went and got my right wisdom tooth removed since it was causing me so much pain. After the surgery, I rested at home for the entire week as I waited for April to come.

After being back at my hometown for quite some time, finally, I had the chance to visit Belawai Beach.

April 2015

On the 7th of this month, I ended my service with my previous organization and honestly, I couldn't be happier. It was the best decision I have made and leaving the God forsaken hellhole made me realized a lot of things.

During this month also, my friends, family and students gathered and surprised me with the biggest birthday celebration I have ever had in my entire life!

I couldn't express my heartfelt gratitude to these bunch of wonderful people for giving me a lasting impression right before I leave my hometown for good.

In the mid of April, finally, I left my hometown for good because of three reasons:

1. I do not want to stay in the God forsaken hellhole.

2. I want to pursue one of my dreams.

3. I want to prove to some idiots that owning PhDs doesn't make you smart.

May 2015

I finally settled down in KL and met up with some of my degree classmates to reminisce those good old days at UTAR. 

I fell sick. First it was just a mild sore-throat, then it was followed by a bad case of flu.

June 2015

I got even sicker than last month to point that my right ear was blocked due to the flu. I was almost bedridden for half of June. I thought I am invincible but it appeared I am not, thus, I went and saw two doctors.

During this point of time, a lot of unfortunate events took place and these events broke my heart.

July 2015

One of my favourite uncles passed on after battling lung cancer for quite some time. I was heartbroken to know that I wasn't able to make it to his funeral.

August 2015

This month should be the month I looked forward to in 2015. I had been anticipating for our Taiwan trip since late 2014 and finally it happened!

I went to Taiwan and totally enjoyed myself there! I'm not sure whether I should be saying this but I experienced typhoon for the very first time in my life in Taipei during my visit there.

One of the best things that happened in my life in 2015 - Mr. BF and I officially started dating.

I couldn't thank God enough for opening my eyes and mind to realize he's the one who has always been there for me.

September 2015

Friends came and visit me in KL during this month and we visited Genting Highland as well as Malacca.

October 2015

My journey as a postgraduate student started this month. Finally, after working for 2 years, I have decided to go back to studying.

I battled uncertainties for quite some time before deciding I wanted to continue my postgraduate studies and finally, I made up my mind to go for it.

Life is too short to be wasted.

November 2015

The highlight of the year would be my visit to Seoul, Korea.

For the longest time, I have had the thought of visiting Korea but due to certain issues, I wasn't able to do so. Right after tendering my resignation in January, I bought air tickets to Korea and I couldn't be happier.

December 2015

Hey, December is forever my favourite month of the year! 

It's Christmas month and the month of celebration!

Things were a bit different in 2015.

For the longest time, I had been spending Christmas alone but this year, God sent me Mr. BF and we spent the entire week, doing Chrimassy stuffs together.

Christmas in KL was beautiful with him :)

Why?

As I am documenting each of my feeling down right now, all that I am feeling - I miss you more than words could say. Sometimes, I wish things would stay the way it is from the very beginning but somehow, our relationship took a big turn and our lives are changed - forever.

We started out more than just enemies - we hated each other. We couldn't tolerate the sight of each other. We got annoyed at each other's name. We pretty much did not get along well.

There were times I wished you were not in my way but somehow, fate always seems to prove things will forever happen the opposite of what we have always wanted - our paths crossed. There you were, not my knight in shining armor but my worst nightmare ever.

As time passed by, things started to take their tolls. Little did we know, all the hatred we had for each other would blossom into friendship - a friendship that I never even imagined.

Things got a little complicated and then on, we were suddenly 老公 and 老婆. It wasn't intended - all that happened was that I was hoping you would pay a little bit more attention during class rather than chit-chatting with your friends. You may think I am an idiot but the trick did work - I started to see you paying more attention during class.

Well... we managed to clear our misunderstanding and soon, we started talking more to each other. It was then, I came to realize that we were similar in so many ways. Even those around us were telling us that we were the opposite gender of each other. I guess it could be one of the reasons we hit it off.

From talking to each other to messaging to whatsapp-ing to hanging out.

Do you remember the time when I visited Miri with some of our friends? 

You told me, you were not that close to these friends and yet, you still came because I asked you to. You made yourself available on those two days just to come and see us?

Even though your place is a little bit far away from where we were staying, it did not stop you from meeting up with us.

I wasn't exactly in a good mood at that time but somehow, you managed to cheer me up with your typical annoying jokes.

Do you remember the time when I met your mum for the first time?

Honestly, I wasn't quite prepared for it because I wasn't expecting auntie to want to meet up. My heart was pounding so fast that it almost fell out when I was waiting for you and auntie to arrive. I kept my sanity because I knew I was the one being paranoid.

When you finally sent us off on our last day in Miri, I was feeling weird. That feeling was just like butterflies in the stomach.

It suddenly struck me...

Perhaps, in the past, both of us were too busy hating each other to even notice, "Hey, that's a real awesome person you've got there!"

I seriously did not know why but as days went by, I found myself doing little things for you. On your side, I noticed you were doing the same thing. These were the things that put smiles on our faces as we braced each and every day.

I didn't even get to thank your mum for the yummy cheesecake and the CNY red packet that she sent. Well.. she had to get you to send the cakes and red packets to travel with you to me. Oh, oh... that was the time when you met my parents for the first time too.

The time when you fell sick and your mum called and asked for my help to send you to the hospital, honestly, I wasn't feeling too good myself. I knew I was worried about you but I was too sick to drive that I had to get my sister to be our driver. I ended up vomiting in the car =.="

What a sight to behold!

After that all of us spent the next few hours in the hospital.

Do you remember the first time you stayed over at my place? 

My mum whipped up a simple traditional Chinese chicken mee sua with boiled egg for your dinner? You were enjoying the meal because you told me the mee sua's texture was unique and you had never come across it in Miri.

Fast forward to early March 2015...

I had finally gotten my long-awaited trip to Belawai...

Little did I know you had a little surprise prepared for me at Belawai.

It was a birthday surprise!

I was at a loss of words when you and your friends took out a birthday cake out of nowhere and started to sing the birthday song to me.

To be honest, I felt the butterflies in my stomach again but I ignored it.

I was ready to cry but I held my tears because I knew crying would make me look ugly on a joyful day which was to be celebrated.

You told me, "Sorry, the cake is kinda melting because there is no fridge at my place. The girl at the bakery told me that Tiramisu is the only cake that could last without fridge - hence, the ugly cake."

It was a fruitful day for me because of you and your friends - I was honestly very, very touched and happy. I guess, I managed to hide my feelings quite well.

By the time the day ended, I was dead tired. I fell asleep in the car and this was what you did to me!

I mean, seriously?!

It was really a tiring day - all of us woke up at 5 to get ourselves ready for our Belawai trip and by the time it ended, I didn't even realized I had fallen asleep on our way back home.

I certainly didn't realize what happened but everything between us happened so fast that we started attending events together and soon, we were labelled as 'they come in pair'.

It was really weird - when we were on our own, you would never tease me but when there were friends around, sometimes, I felt like you went over the limit. I told myself that you didn't mean it because those were jokes. Well, I guess there is truth when people say that you get angry or mad because you care, right?

Do you remember the time when you had to go to each and every bakery around town just to custom-made my double-storey birthday cake? 

You told me you were a bit frustrated because you knew how much I wanted triple-storey birthday cake and you couldn't find any bakery that would accept your order. You resorted to ask my sister for help in the end. My sister was laughing and telling me that, "No, you shouldn't get a triple-storey birthday cake for Angel because that means she's gonna be 30 so, get a double-storey cake instead!"

I almost couldn't believe it when you pushed the trolley towards me while singing the birthday song the second time this year. I was very, very, very touched... again, I held back the tears because I was pretending to be the cool kid next door.

Look at my happy face!

When you knew I wasn't having a good day, you would go, "Let's do waffles and pancakes!"

You knew how much I loved waffles and pancakes, just like yourself.

Honestly, I could never imagine how my life would be if you were not there for me. I was thankful and grateful for having you next to me but somehow, good thing always comes to an end.

I had to leave for KL.

I was heavy-hearted but I lied that I wasn't. I lied to each and everyone around me that I wasn't feeling a thing because I knew between you and me, there would never be anything. Again, I pretended to be cool. On the day of my departure, I was really hoping you would at least give me a hug but you didn't.

You saw me getting out of the car and yet, there wasn't even a goodbye.

It broke my heart but I knew you have your reasons for not doing so. I told myself, I didn't wanna know why but I couldn't avoid asking, "Hey, why didn't you give me a goodbye hug? Don't you feel heavy-hearted when I left?"

Your answer was, "I wanted to but there were others around so I didn't do it... Furthermore, I know myself too well. I am scared if I hugged you then, I wouldn't want to let go."

Butterflies in the stomach - again.

I guess God was trying to test my patience. In every friendship or relationship, there is bound to be love and hate.

At the time you denied me, I told myself, "Perhaps, this was only a dream - a dream that I wish would go on forever."

Hearts are left broken with the words left unspoken.

I never really came to realization how true this phrase was.

The time when you told me, "Between us, there is nothing and there never will be anything. I wasn't pursuing you and you will definitely meet a guy who's better than me."

My heart bled. I cried, but, why?

There was nothing I could do. All of a sudden, I felt the distance between us - we were one South China Sea apart from each other.

I started to question God... did I meet the right person at the wrong time?

God, if You were listening or even reading this, is generation or age gap keeping us away from each other?

Why, me?

Why, him?

Why did things have to develop just to have them destroyed again?

If I have to choose to be honest, God, there isn't a day spent without thinking about him. However, I come to understand that there is no point holding on because between us, there are just too many impossibilities.

For once, I will continue to persevere and pretend that nothing happened because just as you have put it, you will definitely meet a better girl in the future and I am pretty certain she would be way better than me. She would be the one who would melt your heart. She would be the one who would hold on to you.

Good luck!

Blessed birthday, Angel

Before my birthday month comes to an end, I figure out, I should be doing this entry because this year's birthday was a blast!

I totally didn't see it coming at all - thank you to all the wonderful people around me. Thank you for making my birthday a memorable one this year! Thank you for reminding how blessed my life is having all of you next to me.

My birthday this year was a week-long celebration!

So, the first ever celebration was truly a surprise. Well... I was pretty much taken aback by the plan... I didn't know my BEE students would plan a trip to the much anticipated beach, Belawai.

Plus, getting a cake, secretly praying that the cake wouldn't melt because there is no fridge in the hostel. Seriously, I was so, so speechless when I saw the cake... I almost teared up...

These people even took a quite embarrassing video of me...

Thank you, you guys - I seriously wept silently because I was touched but I was too ego to show you all my tears.

The celebration continues with yet another surprise planned by the sisters.

And thank you to my personal angel, the hubs, for the two-tiered birthday cakes... even though I did smell something fishy but you totally caught me off guard the cakes! Again, I was ready to cry...

Thank you to the best hubs ever... I owe you one and hopefully you can claim it back some day in future. Well, I may forget though...

At the same time, food was great!

However, the most touching scene would be to see all my students from different programmes coming together to celebrate my birthday.

Thank for making my day as well as making me feeling I'm the most lucky person on Earth.

Something extra the next day - a birthday mug cake from dear Justina...

I seriously enjoyed the mug cake so, so much!

During the last day of my service, some of my colleagues surprised me with a birthday cake! Well, I wasn't really expected that from them at all.

Thank you, all of you wonderful people!

On the very same day, four more BBA students showed up in my office with another surprise! How thoughtful of them!

I'm happy but at the same time upset - I know I am going to miss these wonderful people so, so much!

Next up was another birthday celebration with my fellow students whom I have taught from their foundation year to their degree years.

I can't express my heartfelt gratitude to know all of you. You guys are just like the little brothers and sisters that I never have.

On the actual birthday, I celebrated the day with my best girlfriends and sister.

We went over to Penthouse Cafe & Bar by Kingwood Hotel.

Food wasn't that great but prices are at a whooping whoooooosssshh!

We didn't really mind much of the prices but for the quality of the food and services we got, it wasn't worth it.

However, having my girlfriends celebrating the day with me - worth it!

The following day, went out with Mr. C for birthday dinner at Cafe Cafe.

Cafe Cafe has to be my all time favourite restaurant - food, price and service were great!

Not forgetting, the Apple Crumble was really, really awesome too!

The next celebration was with Su Ting at The Coffee Code - my favourite hangout because of the yummy waffles!

Su Ting ordered my favourite Black Code Waffle and even the co-owner of cafe, Lydia, made a special appearance during our photo-taking session.

Thank you, my dear!

The following celebration was with Hwa and Tyng at La Vino.

All the dishes were great but when I saw Hwa chomping own on the 70% raw lamb, I was a little terrified because aside from raw Salmon, I don't take any other raw food.

Well, Hwa said it was nice though.

We ended our day at Wikitea but I was too full to even order any drink...

Hwa was being unfair - he ordered his drink and he had somebody to share the drink with.

Seriously, I did enjoy myself so, so much being with the siblings!

Next day, finally, met up with my then, current batch of foundation students for a simple birthday cum farewell lunch...

Crapped too much during the gathering and suddenly, I had the feeling that soon, I would be missing this bunch of noisy kids.

The next day - it was the day I leave a place I call home, for good. It was quite an emo day because all that had been whirling in my mind - the hubs. I was a little heavy-hearted to leave him behind but there wasn't much I could do.

Once I got to KL, my BFF called me out for a belated birthday celebration at Tony Roma's.

Dinner was okay but again, it was the company that matters.

My third day back in KL, the brother took me out for another belated birthday lunch.

I know what some of you may be thinking.

I have to admit, I am getting older and quite honestly, I do not want to be 30 but time and tide wait for no man... here I am, happy 30th birthday to me.

Loved the Spaghetti Aglio Olio. It was something different from what I usually had - meat, meat, meat and more meat! It was kinda refreshing!

The last birthday celebration for 2015 ended with a dinner date with Mr. Ho.

I seriously enjoyed his company and of course my plate of Deconstructed Beef Salad so, so much!

Once again, thank you to all of you out there for making me feel warm and thankful that I am still alive in the wonderful world.

Happy 30th birthday to me, myself and I... hopefully I would stay healthy, happy, pretty and sexy all year round!

50 First Dates :)

Pretty much reminds me of the movie that I really enjoyed watch years back.

Honestly, when it comes to dating, I guess I am pretty much a rookie because I don't remember having pleasant dating experiences and that sums up why I am still unattached up to this very day.

Whatever the reason is, we are gonna complete this tag today!

1. How long does it take you to get ready for a date?

I would say most probably, I would need about an hour? Well... a girl gotta do what she's gotta do and I am a firm believer in first impression counts.

Once I introduced a friend to my cousin and it ended up disastrous because my friend met my cousin without dressing up at all - a baggy tee with pants plus big, old thick glasses. My cousin told me, "If you're gonna introduce any girl friends to me, please let her know that the basic of all respect in the world is to dress up when you're meeting a person for the first time."

So, girls, please take your time and doll yourself up a little, alright?

2. Whats your idea of a perfect first date?
a) Dinner
b) Drinks
c) Cinema
d) Adventurous dates

I would go for B - drinks. I don't really feel comfortable going for dinner on a first date. If we are comfortable over a cup of tea or coffee, I guess dinner will follow :)

3. What would you gravitate more towards to wear on a date...
a) Jeans
b) Trousers
c) Skirt
d) Dress

Dress all the way, baby - I love dresses. After all, remember my belief on first impression counts?

Dresses can make you look 100 times sweeter and more innocent!

I only dress down when I get to know my date more through time. Then, I would most probably opt for shorts, jeans or tees.

Girls, dress to impress!

4. On the date of your choice what makeup would you wear
a) Girl next door
b) Smokey and sexy
c) Bold lip
d) Brights

I love make-up but for a date, I would easily go for my first look, smokey and sexy.

I am a firm believer that it's either you go big or you go home. Unless my date doesn't really like seeing me with make-up, I will tone it down to girl next door. 

On going out with make-up, well... the same theory applies - if I've gotten to know him, why not?

5. Your date says you have half an hour to be ready what do you do?

If that is a first date - I won't be going if I am not given sufficient time to get ready.

If that is not a first date, I would consider going out with pajamas on, if that doesn't embarrass him.

6. Your date asks for the bill, do you...
a) Offer to pay - with actual meaning to pay
b) Make a fake fuss - with no intention of paying
c) Expect him to pay straight away

I do not expect people to pay for me but if he's gentleman enough, why not?

Regarding bill, if the guy does not even 'offer' to pay and revert the bill to me, no thanks, mister, we are not seeing each other anymore after today.

7. It's time to say goodbye you really like your date do you...
a) Wave
b) Hug
c) Kiss on the cheek
d) Peck
e) Full on smooch

Most probably I would like a hug - I love hugs and occasional kisses but for first date, no thanks... let's just say we would save the best for the last.

I guess that's it about the tag.

This is seriously not the best time to complete this tag because I am deeply affected by quite a number of things right now.

Beating hearts

I guess at this time of the year, I am so feeling it that I really would love to seek opinions and thoughts from whosoever reading this entry now. I am emotionally frustrated and I don't know what I should or should not do.

Sometimes, when I see loving couples, I awe at their love. I do understand that they have been through ups and downs. I awe at their persistence to make their relationships work. It is then, I will start thinking, "Dear Ryan, are you going to fight for us?"

I thank God for creating a chance for us to know each other.

I thank God for bringing him into my life at the time I thought I have no one to turn to. 

I could not ask for more because for me, having him in my life is just like a surreal dream that I never thought could happen.

He may not be the perfect boyfriend who sends me roses everyday.

He may not be the perfect boyfriend who could be with me 24 hours, 7 days a week.

He may not be the perfect boyfriend who knows how to sweep me off my feet.

He may not be the perfect boyfriend who is romantic.

Yes, he may not be the perfect boyfriend any girl would ask for but to me, his is still precious.

I don't need him to send me roses everyday.

I don't need him to be with me 24 hours, 7 days a week.

I don't need him to sweep me off my feet.

I don't need him to be romantic.

All I ask is for him to find time for us and also for him to be more sensitive and caring.

After walking this path for exactly 2 months, I have finally decided to let go - I am tired... I really am very, very tired.

Some friends asked me, "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Honestly, this is NOT what I want. If I could choose, I don't want to let him go, I don't want to be away from him but what can I do if he doesn't make an effort to keep this relationship?

Someone who wants to be a part of your life, will make an effort to BE in it. Don't reserve space in your heart for anyone who doesn't make that effort.

I get that advice from people around me all the times. If you were to ask me now, I'm not sure if he wants to be in my life. 

For every decision that I have done, the first person I've thought of was him - how would he feel, what would he do and would it affect him?

All that I have wanted was just to see his smiles.

As days passed by, somehow, I realized something... most of the times, even though we are in a relationship, I feel very much alone. When I was sick, he wasn't around. When I needed him around, he would be busy.

There is nothing like too busy for your partner or too tired for your partner in a mutual relationship.

I am not trying to be bitchy and dominant but I do understand sometimes, your partner needs time out too. I never requested for him to travel all the way from Kajang to KL everyday. All I have wanted ever since the beginning of the courtship was for him to care about me.

When I say care, it does not mean he has to be physically there. Sometimes, even the shortest phone call like, "How are you doing today? Is everything good?" or "Have you eaten?" would make my day. Even if it is impossible for phone call, the simplest SMS like "I miss you" or "Are you tired?" would make me smile. At the very least, I know I am on his mind.

Frustrated over the things that took place, I asked him twice if we should break up over the duration of 2 months being together. He did not want to and promised he'd try to find more time for us as well as not making empty promises. He knows I never like empty promises - if you cannot fulfill your promises, don't make promises.

After that, I keep on telling myself, he's just being mischievous... it'll be better soon...

Every time telling myself that, the situation gets worse...

I thought hard over it... for the past four days, even though he was on leave, he did not even spend one hour with me. I thought to myself, "It doesn't matter since I am working and I don't have time to spare too." There wasn't even one MERRY CHRISTMAS from him if I didn't wish him first.

On the day after his leave was over, he SMS-ed and told me he was sick that he couldn't make it for dinner that night. I lost my mind at that time. I cried in front of Patrick when I read the SMS. It has been like so for several times.

I don't want to be the 'understanding' girlfriend. Call me selfish but there are times when I need him to be around too.

He was not like that when we first got together... Maybe I shouldn't hold on any longer...

I am tired - tired of a life where I have to be one planning our dates and also asking him to do this and that. I am really tired that I wish he'd be able to read my mind.

God, please help me...

Not so much of a drama queen

A friend once told me, "Angel, your life is freaking dramatic - it's just like, you're in a drama! How do you feel being the leading actress?"

Erm... drama is like, totally out of my league because first and foremost, I never thought my life is dramatic or anything. Regarding my feeling as a leading actress - neutral. I lead my life my way and that doesn't make me any drama queen because I don't yell and scream, "Look at me, I'm putting on a show!"

It is just that, lady luck is never with me when it comes to love and relationships. 

Today, I do have a confession to make. If you are my new readers and you don't know one of the facts about me, well, here you go...

Don't worry, I am really not a drama queen and better still, I'm way past my teenage years!

Every year, when September comes, my mood is very much affected even though so many years have passed since those good old days. It's not that I want to think about him especially when he is getting married soon but his bride isn't me. I guess I shall be remembering September the 13th each and every year for God-knows-how-long.

Mum has been asking me quite a number of times that if I were given a chance to be with him once again, would I choose to walk that path or the path I am walking now.

Seriously, I never thought about her question... maybe I am just ignorant because I chose to run away from reality. When reality sucks, I am sure none of you wanna know it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yada, yada, yada, complain all you like - I know reality is a bitch and even though I ran away, I am still very much aware of what has taken place so, I am not so much of a coward after all.

Okay, as of mum's question, if I were given a chance to be with him again, my decision is still to walk away. I don't want to have anything to do with him. Lemme just tell you why I am glad we did not end up together despite him, being a girl's dream guy.

1. Irresponsible
   I was dumped at the KTM station and left there to rot at 12am where there were hardly any cabs to hire when he promised to pick me up but chickened out because he went to play badminton with his friends instead. Then, he never even bothered to check if I got to my friend's place safely.
   
2. Jumping into conclusion
   Okay, heartbreaking piece, "What kinda friend are you to bitch about me in front of your friends? Why did you even use foul words to describe me?" A piece of truth - I did not use foul words nor did I bitch about him in front of my friends. I said he was an idiot because he chose to trust someone who he had only known for 3 days instead of me, who had known for 3 years.
   
3. Assuming, "I am right, you are wrong."How about a speech that goes like this, "Sometimes, being good-looking is a curse. Maybe it's because I am quite good-looking that you've been pursuing me. Am I right?" I got a fright of my life trying to figure out how to answer that retarded question of his. I mean, yeah, I used to be so into him but did he need to be so straight forward?
   
4. I am not Mr. Perfect but I want you to be Miss Perfect
   Honestly, this is the reason I hated most about him. He told me not to do this or that because it was wrong if I were to do so but in the end, he was the one ended up doing so. His excuse was simple, "I cannot control myself."

Look at it this way.

Nobody is perfect nor do anyone want anyone to be perfect. My philosophy of life is as simple as A-B-C. If you demand me to be little Miss Perfect, I would almost demand you to be more than just Mr. Perfect. Let's put it this way.

If I were to get married to a guy who tells me, "I don't like fat girls because I am a perfectionist."

My answer would be simple, "Okay, I will stay slim and slender but after marriage, don't let me see your beer belly peeking through. If your waistline goes beyond 32, I will freaking divorce you because I am more just a f-ing perfectionist!"

Get what I mean?

You have your expection and I have mine - if you want a relationship to work out, respect each other! This doesn't only apply to relationships alone, even in friendships too!

Aih... why do I get so worked out?

Whatever it is... I am trying my best to forget this very day so... wish me luck for next year!

Once and for all

My mood right now - agitated and angry.

This entry is not gonna anything related to make-up, beauty or health. I'm a typical human being just like you all and I do have my ups and downs in life. 

Initially, this trip back to my hometown was not intended to be so long. One of my main intentions was to meet Sam. I did not know whether or not I would be able to bump into him but I took a shot. Erm... Sam and I have a lifetime stories growing up seeing each other as well as watching each other transform while being where we are today.

Honestly, one of the reasons why I am staying single after my previous relationship is because of Sam. I wanted to give both of us a well-deserved chance because we the chance to be together 9 years ago. Yes, 9 years is such a long time that none of you could ever imagine. 

Another reason is that, Sam is attached to a girl already and I do not wish to become the reason he breaks up with the girlfriend. I want nature to takes it's course, so, all these times, I keep a low profile as possible if we were contacting each other. Sometimes, I think I am the dumb one because I know he is attached but I do have a little bit of feelings for him especially after knowing how he feels towards me as well. I am scared because I'm not someone who would go after an attached or married man.

Before I came back, I told Sam I would be visiting Kuching for a day or two and he was thrilled and promised he would be taking a few days off to accompany me. I was happy and felt appreciated because never in my life had a guy taking leaves to be there for me. 

I was happier a week ago when he suddenly came back for Raya holidays. He said it was sudden because he did not plan on coming back. When he sent me a SMS saying he was on his way to my place at 12am, my heart dropped. I couldn't believe what I read. He had just taken a 7-hour ride back from Kuching and all he thought was dropping by my place for a visit? How can a typical girl like me feel not appreciated, right?

We met up the next day and that was the first time he came into my house to greet my parents out of courtesy. I couldn't feel more than happy. Just before he left, I jokingly asked, "Hey, Sam... we have only seen each other for less than an hour. Is it enough? Do you wanna see me again before you leave tomorrow?"

He stared at me with those eyes that would melt any girl's heart and told me, "I want to see more of you but I can't stay longer because I need to go shopping with my mum and grandma. Do you wanna join us?"

I was like... oh, okay, he asked me to join his mum and grandma for some shopping spree. For a moment, my heart stopped beating but in the end, I declined because I wasn't as courageous as I thought I could be. At the same time, the thought of him, still attached to his girlfriend, made me feel bad, so... I did not go out with him.

Well, everything else seemed pretty insane because talking to Sam over the phone after he returned to Kuching was dreamy and all that but those moments did not last long until we had quite a mind-boggling argument regarding what we are going through. He sent me a SMS about a week after his trip back home, telling me that he had broken up with his girlfriend.

I did not even think he would be courageous enough to do so because all these times, the Sam that I knew was a little... you know, obedient. When his girlfriend started to cry or taunt, he would give in. Honestly, I don't like girls like that and I am certainly not a girl who would sit on the floor and cry like a baby.

Two years ago, Sam told me the same thing that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that he felt a heavy burden being lifted. At that time, I wasn't feeling anything because I thought I had nothing to do with his break up and that whatever he was doing, they were not my concern. So, it was only 3 days later, he called and told me that they got back together. I went like, "WTF?! I thought you are tired of this relationship?"

He admitted that he was indeed tired of a bossy girlfriend that ordered him around and expecting him to move over to KL, into her place, staying with her mother.

Let's face it. If you are a guy and your girlfriend demands, "You cannot go back to Sarawak because I want you to move to KL and stay with my mum. I am the only child, so you have to understand my situation. I have a mother to take care of and since you are my boyfriend, you have to move to KL because Sarawak is too ulu and I don't like it there."

Guys and girls, if you are a fellow Sarawakian and people put you down just like so, how would you feel?

I don't hate Sam's girlfriend but I merely dislike her attitude of looking down at Sarawak and it's people.

Then, I got to know the reason they got back together was because the girl threatened to commit suicide if Sam did not return to her and that if she dies, Sam would need to take care of her mother.

Talking about nonsense, that girl is rubbish!

If I were Sam, I would dump her for good - psychotic bitch!

This time around, when told me he had broken up with the girlfriend for the second time, I doubted that would really be for good or not. Stupid sister was telling me, "I can play a bet with you - 3 days! Within 3 days Sam will go back to her psychotic girlfriend."

I told stupid sister not to tell silly jokes and bet on stupid stuffs.

Night fell... it was a little over 12am, about 3 hours later, when I got another message from Sam - that was less than 3 days bet as being placed by stupid sister. It read something like this...

"She called back and cried. She wants to get back together."

At that point of time, I was a little angry. I was angry at Sam. I knew I was not in position to be angry but he shouldn't even told me about the whole break-up story if it wasn't decided.

What are all these nonsense about breaking up, threatening and getting back together? Just because she knows how to cry and make life-threatening stories so Sam should get back together with her?

I couldn't stop wondering too...

What is wrong with the psychotic bitch and also Sam? Am I a toy for Sam to just lift the burden his girlfriend put on him temporarily?

I shall quote from Princess Jasmine of Aladdin, "I am not a toy to be won!"

I replied his message like this...

"I don't know what in the world you're trying to do and I am not interested whether or not you are breaking up for good. It's your decision and I don't want to know anything."

His answer was...

"Why are you angry? I still haven't decide yet."

By that time, I was more furious...

"I don't like it when you are giving me false hopes. I thought you would be serious this time around especially about US. In fact, when you told me you've broken up and I am the first one to know, I was over the moon and now, you're disappointing me!"

Perhaps, he was trying to get away from more problems and said...

"I'm having headache - drank too much. I'm heading to bed."

My last message to him was...

"All I know is, I don't like indecisive guys and I don't plan to know what you wanna do! Good night!"

He did reply but with an unhappy emoticon.

Who cares?! I was already feeling so disappointed with him. Think of it, first time trying to break up, the girlfriend threatened him that she would commit suicide. Second time trying to break up, committing suicide again?! WTF?!

Friends around me have been telling me that if the psychotic bitch wanted to really end her life, she would have taken her life by now and not clinging on to Sam.

Whatever it is, I don't give a damn about what they're going through. It is not my problem anyway and I don't intend to get together with a guy who disappoints me over and over and over again.

As complicated as my love life would be, I think I deserve better than Sam. 

Ask and you shall receive

If you don't know yet, I am a Roman Catholic and I've been through baptism, confession, holy communion as well as confirmation.

If you know me in person, I don't think the adjectives "holy" and "religious" are plastered on my face. In fact, I used to skip Sunday masses and even missing days of obligations so often that I have lost count. Going through an unhappy teenage years have totally made me thought God is unfair and God doesn't love me just like how He has loved others.

Whenever anything happened, I would put the blame on God that He has not been taking care of me. There was even a point of time when I told myself that I should just stop going to church because God wouldn't care. I thought to myself if He would care, He wouldn't give me hopes and ruining them altogether.

Remember Dr. Wong and I?

Remember Euvern and I?

Remember Raph and I?

I asked God, "What did I do to deserve all these?"

I asked God, "If You knew they were not the right one for me, why would You break my heart by giving me false hopes? Am I not Your child?"

I questioned the faith I have had since I was a child that God would carry my burden together with me because after so many things happened in life, I realized nobody was ever there for me. It had been all about me, myself and I. I was tired of life. I blamed God. I blamed Him for creating all these pains and torments because aside from traumatic relationship issues, I faced other problems and complications in life.

I remember telling dad how disappointed I was with God because from what the bible said that He would always be with us, I felt He wasn't there for me. Thus, I stopped going to the church because no matter what I did, I would not succeed in anything.

However, all those have changed through time.

Lately, I have been getting several comments from friends that I have changed. Seriously, I don't know and don't realize how all these took place and stuffs like that. From all that I know, I am going back to church and trying very hard not to miss any days of obligations.

Perhaps, it is true that as you age, you grow wiser.

I am not trying to say I am damn smart or anything but it is true that as you grow older, you tend to sit down and think of all those good old days. There are times when I would question myself on all my childish and immature acts in the past. Then, I realized perhaps, all these times, God has been with me. It was only that I realized it a little later.

Lemme refresh my own memory.


Situation 1

I remember telling God, "I want a doctor boyfriend. No matter what kind of guy I am going to get, just let him be a doctor."

God answered my prayer.

He gave me Dr. Wong.

We were in a relationship for 2 months before I saw him hand-in-hand with another girl at Lot 10.

Then, I realized, perhaps it was God's grace that I discovered Dr. Wong is a moron that toyed with my feelings. If it wasn't because of God, I wouldn't be able to know Dr. Wong is such a dick!


Situation 2

I asked God, "When will I be able to lose weight? I want to fit into a lot of nice clothes!"

God answered my prayer.

I managed to lose weight after so many years and keeping it off.

The thing is, we girls, we never learn to be grateful. God gave me the will and perseverance to lose weight but I had to do it by working real hard. At the same time, remember my story about why I wanted to lose weight? Well, if you don't know, it was because of a guy called Raphael. I just wanted him to look at me, once would be enough and guess what, God gave me motivation!


Situation 3

I asked God, "This is unfair. You brought me into this piece of pain in the arse by doing masters and now, you're giving up on me I don't want anything else, God, I just want to get through all the torments of writing thesis!"

God answered my prayer.

Even though I did not get through my masters with flying colours but at least I have gotten through it successfully with His grace and blessings.

What is there more to ask for?


Situation 4

I asked God, "Why is that everyone gets their fair chance of working in Singapore and why is it that I never get any chance even for an interview there? All I wanted is just a chance!"

God answered my prayer.

I was at Singapore last month for an interview at one of the colleges as Student Care Executive.

God gave me what I asked Him for but it was me, I declined the college's offer because the pay was too low and the interview was a b*tch.


You guys know what?

The worst thing in life is not blaming God for what He has not given you.

The worse thing in life is when you do not realize God is working wonders in your life and not being grateful for all His blessings!

Seek and you shall find,
Ask and you shall receive,
Knock and the door will be opened for you.

I am lucky that I realized I was wrong in the past and yeah, God does love me!

Single-hood

Hi, people of blogosphere!

Just in case you're wondering, the entries on my blog have been scheduled 2.5 weeks prior to today. That's why you see my blog still active. LOLX!

Yes, I am pretty much alive but on the kicking part... nah, I've been too occupied and tired with a lot of things for the previous 2 weeks. Life has not been f-ing awesome because I've been struggling to go through everyday. It has not been pretty bad too, minus the struggling part because I still can go to sleep soundly, waking up to beautiful mornings minus the part when I have to wake up early.

I get lazy at times too because I'm still a human after all. I'm sure you feel so every now and then, right?

I'm sorry to divert you away from the topic of the entry. Let's talk about singlehood today, shall we?

I don't hate to admit I am still single because I'm just too busy for love to come knocking. If something is the truth, why would you hide it? I mean, there is nothing to be ashamed of to even feel lonely. Stupid sister once asked me, "You wake up to so many people around you every morning, what are you feeling lonely about?"

The truth is, she will never come close to understand the feeling of being lonely because she has forever been in a relationship. Erm... the type when she is over with Guy A, she will jump into another new relationship with Guy B after few days - if you get what I mean. When I tell her I am lonely, she'll feel like I am crapping because I have so many friends around me.

It is indeed true for those of you who are either ATTACHED, ENGAGED or MARRIED to tell people like me, "Your turn will come, you don't need to worry."

Well... first thing first, I'm not gonna lie but no matter how many times you're telling me that, I will still worry because you're not in my position to feel the loneliness. The feeling isn't as bad as something inside you has died but it is just the feeling of, "FML!"

Yeah, just the FML part.

I don't know for you but for me, I don't like it when people make remarks, "You're too choosy!", "You ought to lower your expectation!", "You cannot expect these traits from your future partner if you don't own them yourself!" and so on and so for.

I get those remarks all the times especially with my increasing age every year.

Hello... are you me? How do you know I am choosy? How do you know my expectations are high? How do you know what traits I expect from my future partner?

Indeed, it is true when the Chinese says, "If you don't speak, nobody is going to say you're mute."

Sometimes, it is the case of the more you comment or remark, the worse the situation is going to be. So, people, next time, if you're not sure about anything, don't make remarks. It is okay to ASK QUESTIONS but NOT TO MAKE REMARKS but bear in mind the questions asked should be intelligent and not stupid.

Grrr... these stupid people who ask stupid questions really gets on my nerve!

If you wanna know, I do feel lonely especially on Friday nights and also on days when I am alone and wishing hard someone would be there but no, no, no, I am not depressed because of my loneliness. My life still goes on like how it should be and although I do rant about it in real life, still, I gotta do what I have to do to live.

I even try to be positive by telling myself, "Hey, singlehood isn't too bad!"

Yeah, I am deceiving myself but at least I am enjoying life being single, minus the thesis-writing part.

Lemme share with you why I think singlehood isn't so bad even though I do feel lonely at times.

1. You make your own decisions because you're the boss!
2. You are free to do whatever you want because you don't need to ask, "Hey, boyfie, girlfie, can I go hang out with my friends?"
3. You only pay for your own share when you're eating out. I know, you'll think girls always don't pay because guys should. Bah... I've met idiots that expected girls to pay for them!
4. You don't need to spend an hour to put on make-up and dress nicely to impress.
5. You don't need to share the bathroom with another person.
6. You can be always on-the-go because travelling with a partner sucks sometimes. Yeah, I do travel alone, no big deal. Travelling alone isn't so bad actually.
7. You don't need to waste your breath to argue or quarrel with your partner.

I don't know about you but those are the things I enjoy doing, as a single. LOLX!

I am be quite a loner sometimes. I don't hate people but there are just times when you feel like being alone and shut yourself in the room. Other than those, I'm perfectly living my life as a single and though not loving it, I am surviving through it.

Hahaha... I know you must have been wondering what I do from Monday to Sunday, being a single, right? Well... there are a lot of things I can do actually but I'm not gonna tell you everything because I don't you all to think that I'm trying to ask you to live my life by my standard.

Whatever it is, although singlehood doesn't rock but at least it is not too terrible.

Happy Tuesday, people!